Preventing a mental lockdown part 2

First of all thanks for all the positive reactions last week. I hope that you were already able to make some small adjustments and experience the benefits for yourself :)!

When we look back to last week there can be changes you want to make on several parts. You might just want to move, move, move a little bit more or re(connect) with nature. On the other hand you might want to develop yourself and learn a new skill or improve one. The first tip: do not plan (too far in advance) is now even more relevant for the Dutch after this week’s news. Nevertheless just like a company, you as an individual should also have goals and more importantly a WHY to make you do what you do. 

So let’s get started with 5 new tips that might help us preventing the mental lockdown.

1. Setting goals

In general we always want to improve in our lives and we can simply start to achieve this by setting clear goals. On the other hand we can also become too tough on ourselves or become too comfortable and therefore completely abandon these very same goals.

Abraham Maslow is most known for the pyramid below, but interestingly enough he actually argues that many of us are not trying to reach the ‘highest’ stage, due to what he calls the Jonah Complex. This syndrome explains that we actually try to evade our own growth, since we are equally fearing our failures as compared to our possible successes. So maybe let’s forget the self actualization part for now and start by why it is important to set goals and later on zoom in on how we could overcome this Jonah Complex.

Why is it important to set goals? By having goals you are more open to developing yourself and actually seeing opportunities that even in the current situation might arise. Through these goals you are also more open to see the things related to that goal. And of course with having a goal you have something clearly defined to work towards.

At the beginning of this year I set up a couple of goals for the year, but let me highlight one clear example, in which my conventional thinking about how to become inspired completely changed. In general I believe in the power of feeling physically fit, since doing more sports and regularly exercising gives me additional energy throughout the day, instead of draining it.

During the first intelligent lockdown when the sports I was interested in were impossible to perform, I was simply left with an obvious alternative, namely running. But running in itself is for me not something I have ever considered a very inspiring or motivating thing to do. Luckily I read the following sequence and thought to give it a try: 

Action → Inspiration → Motivation

This actually indicates that coming into action leads to inspiration, which then makes you motivated, and yes from motivation then the action comes naturally. By just starting to run and linking this with a clear measurable goal (running 10km within xx minutes) I was inspired to reach this goal and motivated to start running twice a week. So next time you are waiting to become inspired, just come into action!

Companies in general already try to operate like this by cascading down from their vision to yearly goals and then down to quarterly goals, monthly overviews, weekly reviews and daily standups. They track the success of reaching their objectives through key results (if they apply the OKR method). But this method can also work for your own life! What do you want to try? What do you want to set in action? And how can you reach yearly goals through daily activities?

If you want to achieve something, be assured it will take effort. In order to minimize this feeling of ‘effort’ let’s go to tip 2.

2. Change goes in small steps 

Leo Tolstoy; ‘From the child of five to myself is but a step. But from the new-born baby to the child of five is an appalling distance.’ This is because we have conditioned ourselves or are shaped by our environment to think we are a certain way because that is the way we are.

Through our routines (the automatic pilot mode), we feel a sense of security which gives us the self confidence to perform the activity itself, without giving it too much thought (or taking too much effort). Changing these routines instinctively leads to resistance.

Since change itself is already a difficult endeavor, we need to focus on change in small steps, in order to make it manageable. As an example for learning a language you do not need to follow an extensive course in which you need to block 3 evenings a week, but you could simply start by downloading the DuoLingo app and at least practice for a couple of minutes every day. Later on when this has become part of your rhythm you can always still start to follow the extensive course.

Lately I have added another routine, since all this working from home made me realize that some days I would not even leave the house, draining my energy while I did not even move that much. By setting a not too ambitious goal of 5000+ steps a day, I should be able to hit this with an early morning walk, giving me an energizing start. The past 3 weeks I have noticed that this energy stays with me throughout the entire day!

Yet tracking in itself is not your main answer, considering that you really need to know WHY you want to do something, otherwise executing your activities to achieve your goals will feel like a burden. Also in my case having too many goals, just like for companies this is very inefficient. I guess learning to play the keyboard well has to wait a little bit longer, since this Q1 goal of mine has in this quarter only seen the amount of dust on my keyboard increase.

Do something because you want it, not because you have to. To make things easier link your desired new routine to an old habit, by leveraging your current routines and strengths. As an example combine walking outside with your lunch break (it does not have to be sunny) or add something to your morning ritual. I like to start my day with a short meditation session right after waking up, but this is not for everyone, nor is it the cure. Find out what gives you peace of mind in the morning and experiment with different things. In the beginning all of your changes might feel like a huge effort, but new neurological paths are made, and something can become a routine after doing it for 44 to 60 days. Some psychologists indicate that 3 weeks might already be enough, so do not give up too soon! (Danger alert: stopping with your new routines and falling into old habits is a threat that is always right around the corner)

Consistency = Key!

3. Not wasting time

As we saw last week we have to rely on ourselves more than ever before. Philosophers like Soren Kierkegaard and Friedrich Nietzsche have argued in the past that we should take personal responsibility for every aspect of our existence. Even though you can agree or disagree with statements like these. Adding a new routine, that is all up to you. Doing it together might ease the pain of change, as we have read last week, nonetheless we are still our own coach.

Even though you might want to change some of your routines or simply add a new routine, all changes and small steps are still going to take time. We rationally know time is too valuable to see it go to waste, since it is not infinite, and yes we are also aware that we are actually wasting quite a lot of time throughout our day or week. Acting upon this is however another big step, but acting can only start now. Time, you know, is that thing that only exists in this very right moment. The moment you started to read this blog is already time spent, time that belongs to the past.

Very often we make ourselves believe we do not have time, it might even be one of our favourite excuses. Be aware of all the biases we have as human beings and this might open your eyes to all the excuses we make throughout the day (At the bottom of the article I refer to two great books that cover this). One of my managers in the past used to say if you are late, that means something else is more important to you. I would not blindly agree with this in all cases, but it does make us circle back to the why you do what you do. But what do we actually mean by we cannot make time for example to start reading books? (Small side note before we continue: I believe in less is more, referring to the fact that you should rather read 5 entire books than to read 25 summaries). So back at it again, why do we not make times for things we want or aspire to do?

• Because it makes us feel uncomfortable and it is not what we used to do (Henry Ford once said; ‘if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always got’, reinforcing the Jonah Complex)
• Or maybe because your WHY is not clear enough, making your goal too far fetched and making you not want to change through small steps, activities or new routines.

But the good news is there is always time, because time is now and now is the time to come into action. A friend of mine once advised me the 5-minute rule. Which implies everything that takes less than 5 minutes, that you should do it immediately, because by postponing, it will take more time or it takes extra mental capacity by storing this as a to do in your brain. Since I draw a lot of inspiration from people around me, I would like to advise everyone to share your goals with the people around you and you will achieve a lot more (together)! Never wait with sharing these, because remember time is not infinite.

‘Know that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream (The Prophet)’, therefore the only moment you can actually change is now (and not by planning to change on the 1st of January).

4. Setting boundaries 

On top of acting NOW it is also a matter of setting the right boundaries for yourself. For many of us the balance between work and private life has been fading more than ever before. In the beginning we might have focused only on the benefits, however at the moment we seem puzzled and a bit lost in how to balance both. So in order to find a solution let us have a look at the boundaries you have set or could still set.

Meetings at work are planned at fixed timeslots, but why not similarly plan your morning walk, lunch time or free up some time for yourself/your kids/your family? Since you probably do not completely stay away from your email in the evening, freeing up some time for yourself throughout the day might give you the balance you are looking for. 

As a side note be aware of all this multitasking. Multitasking at the work domain itself is already quite often counterproductive. Years ago a study by the University of London has demonstrated that when we let ourselves be interrupted by checking email while performing a certain task, our IQ points could drop by as much as 10. Therefore block certain time slots to check your email, instead of catching up with your mail all throughout the day. 

Also continuously hopping from call to call does not help and could actually increase your stress level. Taking a couple of deep breaths or walking a small circle in your home before you join the next meeting might do the trick to enter the next meeting with a more relaxed feeling.

But it is not only about setting boundaries at work. Especially since the Social Dilemma documentary has aired, people start to talk more about setting boundaries for using social media or their phone in general. Luckily I have had the privilege of having the digital wellness app embedded in my phone for over a year now. In this way I have been setting a maximum number of minutes for a couple of apps. This has freed up a lot of time, which I was able to put into my goals and the activities that help me pursue those goals. Important regarding phone time is that everyone seems to be focused on the younger generation, but never forget they grow up in a society in which we are seen as their example. They simply mimic what they think is normal, not knowing a life without computers or mobile phones. 

In the end it is only you who can set the boundaries for yourself and those around you. Remember that by giving commitment to someone or something this actually gives you freedom, since you will no longer be distracted by the frivolous and unimportant. By making decisions your priorities might even reveal itself.

5. Generating positive thoughts

For now we have seen it is difficult for us to think in certain ways because we have been conditioned in a certain way. This conditioning makes us believe that we are who we are. By positively conditioning yourself with positive thoughts you might be able to break the patterns you have been building up your entire life. Placebo or not it might work to some extent, just never expect a magic potion that solves everything. Start by breaking your self limiting beliefs in your subconscious and start to reprogram yourself.

Every morning a friend of mine has been writing what he is thankful for in his life. By doing this for over a year now he has put everything that happens in his life in perspective and it has actually made him a lot closer to the people he is thankful for. In general we see through the law of effect that positive conditioning has a stronger effect than negative conditioning. On the other hand the Stoics (who have been quoted quite often in 2020) would argue that keeping death in mind makes us appreciate life more. In a society where negative feelings are often overshadowed by all the feel good stories we seem to be conditioned to only try to think positive (and think that nobody is going through tough times).

We should refuse this way of thinking by just saying (Yes you can say this out loud now): ‘Having negative feelings is also okay!’. Do not judge yourself for these, but try to limit these to a short moment in the day when you let everything out instead of building it up (For Dutch speakers it might be good to listen to the advice from episode 7 het Piekerkwartiertje of the Psychologie van Succes podcast). In the end it is again about accepting yourself, because we can become negative by the fact that we have negative feelings. If we accept that we can have negative thoughts from time to time this feeling could fade more quickly.

To end today's blog I would like to argue that a ‘negative’ experience can even turn into a fun one. For a couple of years me and my brother have been making fun of ourselves by sharing photos or videos every time we break or drop something. When things like this happen, our first human reaction would be to become very annoyed. Fortunately things like these do not annoy us any longer. From our extensive collection find an unfortunate one below:

In the past it would have been hard to imagine to have a laugh about an incident like this, but these days we might even have hit the point where breaking something in our house can become a lot of fun, since we share the experience and have a laugh about it ;) 

Never underestimate the power of laughter and humor!

Now that this blog has gone online, it is time for me to go out for a walk. Have a great week ahead, take care of one another and good luck with experiencing change yourselves :)!

Again I will be curious about your thoughts on this week's tips and I hope you will be back here next week, when I shall cover the following topics:

• Sharing is caring
• Power of humor
• Living in the present
• Putting things in perspective
• After rain comes sunshine

And if you are interested in learning more about

• Abraham Maslow and the Hierarchy of Needs (https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html)
• why we are as scared to succeed as to fail, read the Denial of Death, written by Ernest Becker
• the OKR methodology, watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXSIHm115gk 
• the power of small changes, read The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
• our biases, read the Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli or Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow
• the downside of social media, watch the Social Dilemma. However on the contrary for feel good stories follow the following page on Linkedin: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/richard-dipilla-foundergga/ (Nothing in the world is entirely bad or good)
• the downside of multitasking: https://hbr.org/2014/07/the-cost-of-continuously-checking-email
• the psychology of success (For Dutch speakers) listen to the ‘Psychologie van Succes Podcast’ and for accepting negativity specifically the episode ‘Het Piekerkwartiertje’ (https://open.spotify.com/episode/1wBhuhBLUmnqW3flOdWVGp) 
• last week's tips: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/preventing-mental-lockdown-part-1-remco-van-riet