A Preventable Tragedy

Day 2 of my "Parental Peace" road trip and I just picked up my first hitchhiker. A 30 y/o heroin addict who was walking with his gear between Shreveport and Monroe Louisiana.

His name is Chase and he grew up in West Virginia. He started using drugs at age 14 and dropped out of school in 11th grade. His first introduction to drugs was OxyContin given to him by a "friend" in school. Chase said, "in West Virginia, you were weird if you WERE NOT using drugs. Everyone used 'em!"

"Everyone used 'em!" - Chase

Life-Prep vs College-Prep

Chase seemed like a good kid. A kid with demons. In this regard, he is just like the rest of us. For decades, drugs have run rampant throughout poor urban and rural communities in the US. West Virginia has the highest drug use per capita and the most overdoses per capita in the nation.

Chace's school, however, didn't seem to get the memo. Like most schools in the US, their focus wasn't on preparing Chase for adult life -- a life where drugs, depression, and social decay was normal. Instead, his school was, and remains, focused on preparing kids for a life that few will ever experience: college.

A Hard Lesson for Parents

Chase's mom and dad broke up when he was in elementary school (Strike One). He said his dad was strict and I assumed that meant his dad was abusive. Chase said his dadn't was NOT abusive but that he had standards... standards that few 10-year-old boys would choose to follow if given the option. Chase had an option. His mom had few standards so, looking for the easiest path, Chase moved in with her at age 10.

A child without standards of character is a timebomb. Freedom without Character is a curse.

Chase's mom let him do whatever he wanted. "She just loved having me around," he said. (Strike Two and Three).

Unmistakable Parental Patterns

I've spent nearly 20-years working with parents and I have seen two unmistakable patterns:

1. The first is that parents -- particularly single moms -- often raise their daughters but love their sons to death. This is a hard lesson but important to make public. In their desire to love their sons, parents will often give wide latitude, low standards, and little life-training. Chase's mom cooked, cleaned, and covered for his escalating drug use. A drug use that was fueled by his social network at school, his increasing disengagement from learning, and total freedom offered by mom.
2. The second pattern is that parents confuse "college-preparation" with "life-preparation." Relatedly, parents delegate both to the school. Chase went to a "College-prep" school and mom hoped that this would be enough to launch her son. Instead, his school reflected the larger culture of the community and drug use was normalized. A classmate gave him his first hit and now, 15-years later, I'm picking him up from the side of a highway.

No Criticism... only Caution

I offer no criticism of mom. All parents do their best despite little support or counsel. But I do offer this story as a warning to current-day moms (and dads). Parents must now:

• Never assume that school will ready your child for adulthood. That's your job.
• Strike a balance between freedom and responsibility in your homes starting radically early.
• Prepare a child to lead their own life and learning. Warning: Schools do the opposite.
• Shamelessly ask for help in developing a plan specific to your child and situation.

Your aim is to work yourself out of a job as soon as humanly possible as I describe here. That means that, by the time Chase was offered drugs, he should have long known how to make decisions for himself. Would that have changed this outcome? Who knows... but, in my experience, the odds are "yes."

The act of leading one's learning builds the skills to weigh decisions and the confidence to lead one's own life.

As Chase and I talked about his childhood, he said with the clarity that only hindsight provides: "...I wished I had stayed with my dad."

The Risks are Real

Chase lives in a "tank" (his word) near a few other homeless people near downtown Monroe. A "tank" is a garbage dumpster behind an abandoned warehouse. He said he feels "pretty safe" but his answer left room for doubt. He is waiting to get space in the Salvation Army shelter in Monroe but has no idea when space will become available.

Saying Goodbye in a Fog

He directed me to a corner near an abandoned warehouse district. I stopped, we shook hands, I gave him what food I had, and I told him I would pray for him (I am a believer in prayer but this promise felt remarkably hollow). He thanked me several times, grabbed his gear, and I watched him walk away.

Fear dissipates with a Plan.

As I drove away, my thoughts went to my son and to yours. Our choices as parents shape our kids in beautiful and horrible ways. We parents tend to fear outcomes like the above. But this fear causes us to flee, fight, of freeze. It seems like Chase's mom froze. She didn't know what to do... so she did what she knew. She did her best but had no real plan.

But you have more information. The world is different now. There are so many more options available. Use those options. Become strategic about your child's learning and development. Replacing helicoptering with facilitating. Replacing unlimited freedom with "Freesponsibility" (a constantly shifting balance of Freedom and Responsibility).

Next Moves

Take a minute and assess your child's level of freedom. Is it matched with responsibility or is it out of whack? How much of your time is spent doing jobs for which he/she is more than capable to do on their own? Assess how much of your child's learning is led by them and how much is passive, uninspired, and disengaged? These are all warning signs that require an immediate plan.

Reach out to me if you're concerned. I work with lots of parents have never turned away a parent. If you or someone you know does not feel at peace, then contact me to build a plan.

So many stories on this road trip:

• The 10 high schoolers who had no earthly idea how unprepared they were for life beyond school.
• The 71 year old from Chicago who reflected on his educational journey Chicago to rural Mississippi.
• The 22 year old who left college after 18-months and is preparing to go back without an clear reason why.

I'll write more about these at a later point... my mind is racing and I've got another 1000 miles to go...