Pretty Pretty Peonies

I hate all of them.?

Not just the peony, but all of the work behind cultivating a garden that does nothing but bloom for less than a week and leaves months of wilted greenery in its wake.?

If I can’t eat it, I aint planting it.?

That has been my motto for my garden two years after I purchased my home.?

It's 10 years now, and each year I have been trying my hardest to remove or outright kill any blooms that have invaded my yard.

I’ll show you Black-Eyed Susans because I will choke you with my Coreopsis.?

That has not always been the case. During those first couple of years, I thought having big beautiful blooms was part of homeownership and gardening.?

Sure it helps with pollination, but the work is just too damn much. I made the mistake of adding and not editing.?

The garden is overrun with a sickness of natural beauty that no longer looks appealing.??

And in a week, I will be drowning in a massive bloom of pink and white soft velvet Peony petals that I can no longer push off to the neighbors.?

If I do nothing, they will rot and make the front of the fence look like a neighborhood eye-sore.?

I used to give bouquets of flowers wrapped in silk to all the ladies on my block.?

Now, they avoid me altogether because no one wants those ant-infested beauties mucking up their kitchen counters. When they see me trimming the flowers off the dark green stalks, doors are shut and lights are turned down.?

No one is home to receive my delivery.?

Who can blame them? I sure as hell don’t. I have been wrestling with those menacing spring delights longer than I care to admit.?

A few years ago I hacked down all the Trumpet flowers, followed by Cone Flowers and more Iris than one yard should ever have. I have all but given up on the digging up and killing the Day Lilies.?

No one told me how invasive they can be. They are the herpes of the flower world. Once you got it, you ain’t getting rid of it. I’d rather have a greenery of Dandelions.?

Then I could at least eat the root or make some wine.?

A few of the circles I run in, all favor the garden of pretty pretty. This means the folks I call friends all opt to have flowers instead of food growing in their yards.?

I get it. Whatever fertilizes your soil.?

I just want to see you pop a perennial in your mouth and chew. Not to mention all the money that must be spent on replanting annuals each year.?

Some people I know spend thousands of dollars each spring to make their yard stand out, even if it’s only for a week. That is something I just can’t wrap my head around.?

And there is a market for that.?

Who am I to judge? If that is your passion, plant away. Just don’t expect me to participate in all that nonsense.?

It’s bad enough that I am losing the battle with weeds and invading species I have lost track of.?

What I don’t need, or want is more flowers.?

One year, I made it a point to have fresh bouquets throughout the house. I thought it would add to the aesthetic and cover the smell of dogs.?

Every couple of days I would go outside and trim a bit here and trim a bit there. I would arrange them in case I would have an unsuspecting guest show up.?

Picture perfect I told myself.?

Instead, all I got was bugs. No one showed up, because I forgot to consider that I never invited anyone over to the house in the first place. Who was I trying to impress??

I hate the company.?

The years have not been kind to me. Every spring something new pops up. And every spring I am thwarted by nature and her cruel joke to keep me on my toes.?

It’s a losing battle that I have all but given up on. I will just stick to my tomatoes, peppers, eggplants, and cucumbers. At least they all look pretty in a bowl with salad dressing.?

As for the Dragons togues, the Peonies, Bleeding Hearts, Shasta Daisy, and Lupine, you can take your pollinator garden somewhere else.?

I am a hungry man and I am sure Bees Balm doesn’t do wonders for the digestive tract. Sure it’s not poisonous, but when was the last time you had some of that in your salad??

Sure the vibrant hues of spring are showcased for a limited time, but I need my greens to be resourceful, as in offsetting my grocery bill.?

For anyone who favors a garden of flowers, you have center stage. And with that, all of the work.?

I will just stick with growing food.??

By the way, if anyone would like a bouquet of peonies, let me know. You have a short window of opportunity before I sweep up the petals for the dump.