A pretty complicated relationship with Identity and Belonging.

Although I'm usually pretty quiet during BHM, this BHM I want to post a ???????????? ?????????? ???? ???? ????????????.

This is not hidden knowledge, but it's also not widely known, I'm mixed.

But, damn, do ?? ???????? ?? ?????????????????????? ???????????????????????? ???????? ???????????????? ?????? ??????????????????.

Those folks you see there, that's the family I came up with and emulate in my idiosyncrasies, mannerisms, tone - and even how I raise my own kids.

I don't know what's triggering this need to share maybe the following:

? I've sat on this overly relatable article for years - ???????????? ?????? ???? ????????????????: ??????????://????????????.??????/??????????-??????????/????????????-??????-????-????????????????-????????????????????????

? My daughter, whose exposure to this side of my family has been exclusively her grandfather (my dad) and our stories, draws her self portraits and pictures of unnamed characters as people-of-color - from a mahogany hue to a full black pen - which this weekend made for a very shocked waitress.

? I've been looking forward to posts from Auntie Bev https://lnkd.in/eWXkBtG9 on a daily basis.

The black side of my family has a rich history and culture. My great aunt has the only Saint Louis Public Library that was name non-posthumously, my grandfather spoke 13 languages, cornerstones in the Ville community - I to this day hear stories unearthed from my father about the influential and miraculous people that were their contemporaries.

For the most part I grew up black, going to a black church (but also a white church), having black friends (but also white friends), and cuisine? I definitely went to cookouts before I ever went to a barbecue. I loved learning about the "scary side" of Saint Louis, North of Delmar, and the amazing culture there.

While I am proud of my heritage, and proud of who I am, it has been a rough road, and there are many who tried to take that pride from me; and it didn't start until I transitioned to public school.

I had the privilege of being "white boy" on the voluntary desegregation bus to an affluent county district. I always went along the lines that I'm black on my birth certificate because at the time it followed the paternal line, or maybe that Missouri has a "one drop rule" still in effect - regardless, hypodescent is at play.?

This is where I learned what "code switching" is, and that I'm damn good at it.

This is also where I learned to be a spy - talk white, look white, is white.

You'd be amazed at the brazenly racist, obnoxiously ignorant things people will say when they don't know they're in mixed company. And, yes, being silent (most of the time) doesn't win me any right to judge. But I did learn to get over that fear, and judge I will - mightily and frequently.

Today, that brazen racism presents itself as an aggressive and unwelcome use of my heritage as a parlor trick. To the extent that I disassociate from all cultures because, well, I don't feel welcome.

???? ?????? ???????? ?????????????????????? (goes without saying these were all StL based...):

? I was hired for a role, and then the offer was rescinded after being candid with the CEO in a get to know you session. People change their minds, so no harm in asking, right? What I was told by a very confused HR person (I still don't know if she knows what she said) was that "he doesn't want watermelon at the company picnic." Wild.

? I worked for a startup that accidentally divulged I was their diversity hire. In a lovely, token, "can have it but don't have to look at it" kind of way. Wild.

? My racial composition was offered by a member of the people team of an org I worked at as a trivia party question. Wild. But I'm good at trivia anyway.

????????????, ???? ???????????? ???????????????????? ???? ?????? ???? ???? ??????, ???? ????????, ???? ??????????????, ?????? ???? ?????????????????? ?????????? ????????. ?????? ??????, ?????? ??????????.

I'm happy to work at an organization that focuses on Belonging as part of DEI. But, two years in, I'm still uncomfortable joining anything or saying anything. Trauma delays trust. Always. Guess this is my coming out letter.

So - those figuring out who you are in silence, or just flat out semi permanent confusion, I got you.

And this is preaching, don't get it confused - ???? ?????? ???????? ???? ???????? ???? ???????? ???? ?????? ???? ?????????? ???? ???????????? ???????????????? ?????? ?????? ???????? ???????????? ???????????????????? - ???????? ?????????????? ???? ??????????????.?

I want my daughter to be able to express who she is, however she wants to be at that moment (usually a cheetah) without me needing to correct someone else's reaction.

???? ???? ?????????????????? ???? ???????? ???????? ?? ???????????? ?????? ?????? ?????? ?????? ?????? ????????????, ?????? ???? ???? ???????????? ?????????????????? ?????? ???????? ???????? ?????? ????????'??.