The Pressure of Being Present

Please don’t talk to me. That is how I feel lately. I have become really anti-social and not because I am depressed or angry or hate my life. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Right now in my life, I feel that I need to take a step back and take the time for some self-reflection and self-love. Over the years I have always been the friend that does everything, is at every party and usually the last man standing. Lately, I am yearning for some alone time - some well-deserved solitude. I am exhausted of being that person that needs to attend every party and be at every event. I think there is a lot of pressure to “be present”; however, sometimes all you need is to retreat, self-reflect and then come back better and improved.

I am going through a very transitional period in my life at the moment. I feel that during this time I need to be alone with my thoughts - not all the time, but a lot of the time. I don't want to be distracted as I have many goals I will be achieving over the next six months or so. It means I have to take a lot of time on improving myself, so my time is limited, and as a result, I have not seen my friends as much. Historically speaking, this kind of behaviour is shunned upon by our society and considered almost self-indulgent and selfish. If you feel the pressure to say yes to everything, I implore you to delve deeper and consider a different point of view. Self-love is not selfish. How are we expected to take care of others if we can't take care of ourselves? Remember the old saying - You can't pour from an empty cup.

There are three elements of my life that I am focusing on at the moment. They are related to health, emotional and financial goals. Taking the time out to focus on them is going to help accelerate my life. If ever I feel the pressure to do something I do not want to do, I remember my goals:

1. Health Goals: For over a year now, I have been dealing with being diagnosed with Hashimoto's - an autoimmune disease. It means things like alcohol and eating gluten flare up my symptoms and the days after consuming these are hell. I have learned that drinking alcohol is probably not worth it for me. It means that I have avoided being around alcohol; therefore skipping many events that I would typically attend. I have replaced nights out partying with practising yoga. My goal is to deepen my yoga practise so much so, that I am planning to go to India for a month-long yoga retreat. My health is the most important thing for me right now. I am so focused on getting back to good health that socialising is taking a back seat.
2. Emotional Goals: This is a tough subject to talk about, but there are a lot of emotional wounds from the past that I am currently working through, dealing with and healing from. Growing up, I was not equipped with the tools to deal with my emotions. As a result, I became an angry person and unable to deal with situations appropriately, usually turning to alcohol to numb my pain. Since removing alcohol, I struggle with any minor inconveniences as I can no longer escape and need to deal with the situation that is before me. I am taking the time out to deal with implementing the tools to help me deal with any challenging situations that may arise. One thing that has helped me the most has been to write my feelings in a daily journal. It has helped me better express myself. I no longer bottle up my emotions and then suddenly explode at an inappropriate time (my classic cycle). By taking the time out now to deal with my emotions, I am going to be a better person for everyone around me in the future.
3. Financial Goals: I am so focused on buying a house in the next six months, that I do not want to be distracted by doing and buying stuff for the sake of it. That is not to say I will not go out and enjoy myself. I certainly am and will. I am off to Italy in 4 weeks time. It just means that I am going to be super picky about where I spend my time and money. In the past, I used to say yes to everything when half the time I did not want to even be there. These days, I have stopped saying yes to things I do not want to go to. Besides spending money on things that don't serve me, it has also wasted time which I will never get back. Time is so limited and I just want to spend it doing the things I want to do. My future self is going to thank me for it.

I understand the importance of keeping in touch with friends and having friends and family around. It is vital to our human existence. Sometimes though, we all need moments where we need to be alone and take time out for ourselves. The people who really love and care for me will understand. Also, if someone desperately needed me, I would be there for all the important things and times of need, but unless this is the case, then I am selective about where I spend my time and energy. There is so much pressure to be involved and do as much as possible at the expense of our own sanity and mental health. I am taking a stance to change that. Sometimes, you just need a break in order to serve others better.

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