Preserving Your Peace: Setting Boundaries with Chronically Unreliable People

We all have that one friend. The one who always has an excuse, can never seem to commit, says, "Give me 20 minutes," and shows up over an hour late. The one who is always caught in the chaos of their own life—whether it’s a medical emergency, financial crisis, or relationship meltdown—but never seems to take responsibility for it. These people seem to ad-lib their way through existence, making plans they don’t keep, making promises they don’t fulfill, and living on borrowed time from those around them.

And yet, we find ourselves trying to accommodate them, include them, and help them. Until, at some point, the weight of their inconsistency becomes too much. If you've ever bent over backward for someone only for them to disappear when you needed them most, you know the frustration of dealing with people like this. More importantly, you know the toll it takes on your peace of mind.

Understanding the Cost of Chaos

Peace of mind is a fragile thing. It’s built on routines, reliability, and a sense of control over one’s time and energy. When you constantly engage with someone who disregards these things—who never respects your time, who over-promises and under-delivers, who consistently creates drama and expects you to accommodate it—you are paying the price for their chaos.

These are the same people who will insist on sending you something you told them you didn’t want. The ones who act on impulse, disregarding both your boundaries and their financial limitations. They’ll buy you something you don’t need and then be broke when they need something themselves. Meanwhile, when you trust them with your own needs—perhaps sending them money to buy something for you—they vanish for months, only to resurface with a flimsy excuse.

So, the question is: how do you protect yourself?

Setting Boundaries: The Art of Saying "Enough"

If you want to maintain your sense of calm, you must establish firm boundaries with unreliable people. This doesn’t mean cutting them out of your life completely (though sometimes that’s necessary). It means creating rules for yourself that prevent their behavior from disrupting your peace.

1. Time Limits: When Is "Enough" Enough?

There is a fine line between being patient and being taken for granted.

• If someone says, "I'll be there in 20 minutes," and routinely shows up an hour late, you must decide how long you are willing to wait.
• If they are late, leave without them. Stop holding up your plans for someone who never holds up their end of the deal.
• If they show up frustrated that you didn’t wait, remind them: “I was ready when we agreed. I can’t keep pushing things back.”

People who habitually run late often do so because they assume the world will wait for them. Show them that your world does not.

2. Emotional Boundaries: You Are Not Their Crisis Manager

Unreliable people tend to thrive in drama. There’s always a reason they didn’t show up, always a crisis that explains why they flaked on plans, always a situation that requires you to excuse their behavior.

• Recognize when someone is using chronic misfortune as a crutch.
• Understand that their problems are not your problems.
• Offer support without enabling.

This means saying things like:

• “I understand you’re going through a tough time, but I can’t drop everything for you right now.”
• “I hope you get things sorted out, but I have my responsibilities to focus on.”

The more you cater to their chaos, the more they will expect you to accommodate it.

3. Financial Boundaries: Stop Bailing Them Out

The person who impulsively buys gifts for others but can’t pay their rent. The person who borrows money but disappears when it's time to pay you back. The person who is always broke but never seems to learn from their mistakes.

At some point, you have to ask yourself: Are they truly struggling, or are they just financially reckless?

• Do not lend money to someone who has a history of ghosting you.
• Do not accept gifts from someone who cannot afford them. If they insist on buying you something you don’t need, make it clear: “I don’t want this, and I won’t accept it.”
• Do not expect financial responsibility from someone who has never shown it.

If you give them money for something specific and they disappear for months, that’s on you. The next time, say no.

4. Energy Conservation: Limit Your Availability

Dealing with unreliable people is exhausting. They drain your energy with their endless excuses, their inability to follow through, and their need for constant accommodation.

You do not have to engage every time they call, text, or message you with another reason why things went wrong.

• Ignore messages that are just another excuse train. You don’t need to hear why they were late again.
• Reduce how often you initiate contact. Let them come to you.
• Say no more often. If they invite you to something and have a history of flaking, decline. You don’t have to keep giving them chances.

5. Enforcing Consequences: Stop Rewarding Bad Behavior

When someone constantly fails to show up for you but expects you to always be there for them, something has to change.

• If they always arrive late, stop waiting for them.
• If they constantly flake, stop making plans with them.
• If they borrow money and never return it, stop lending to them.
• If they give you things you never asked for but ignore what you do need, stop accepting their “kindness.”

People learn how to treat you based on what you allow.

Self protection: Your Peace,your Life

At the end of the day, you can’t change other people. You can’t force someone to be punctual, responsible, or self-aware. You can, however, control how much of their chaos you allow into your life.

If you are constantly frustrated, disappointed, or drained by someone’s behavior, it’s time to set boundaries. Time to stop accommodating them at your own expense.

Your peace of mind is valuable. Your time is precious. Start acting like it.

Consoling the Unreliable Friend: Balancing Compassion and Accountability

When you have a group of people depending on someone who consistently fails to follow through, the weight of their unreliability doesn’t just fall on them—it falls on you and everyone else who trusted them to deliver. Whether it's showing up on time, handling an important task, or simply keeping their word, this type of friend often finds themselves overwhelmed, not because they are incapable, but because they are stuck in a cycle of making commitments they don’t have the discipline to keep.

They don’t break promises out of malice. They truly believe they will show up, do the thing, make the effort. And yet, deep down, you—and probably they—already know how the story ends.

So, how do you console someone when they’re in the middle of yet another crisis, while still holding them accountable for the ways their actions affect others?

1. Acknowledge Their Emotions Without Excusing Their Behavior

When they come to you, distressed over a breakup, a financial hardship, or a family issue, it’s important to recognize their feelings without letting them off the hook for what they promised to do.

What NOT to say:

• “Oh man, don’t even worry about [responsibility], we’ve got it covered.”
• “Yeah, life sucks sometimes. I’m sure people will understand.”
• “It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.”

These kinds of responses validate their emotions but also enable their lack of follow-through. If they are never held accountable, they will continue letting people down without seeing a reason to change.

What TO say:

• “I get that you’re going through a lot, but people were counting on you for this. How do you want to handle it?”
• “I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but we need a backup plan. Should we find someone else to do this, or do you think you can still manage?”
• “That sounds rough. Just keep in mind that people were expecting you to come through, and this keeps happening. What can we do to make sure this doesn’t keep repeating?”

This approach does two things:

1. It validates their feelings—you’re acknowledging their struggle rather than dismissing it.
2. It reminds them that commitments still matter, even when life is hard.

2. Don’t Let Them Disrupt the Group’s Momentum

When you’re leading or organizing something—whether it’s a project, an event, or a social gathering—you need to be mindful of the entire group’s experience, not just the struggles of one individual. One unreliable person should not hold back the progress of everyone else.

• Have a backup plan. If they are known for not following through, don’t assume they’ll change this time. Have someone else on standby who can step in if needed.
• Move forward without them. If they were supposed to bring the equipment, handle the paperwork, or lead the activity and suddenly can’t, do not pause everything while they get it together.
• Set a hard deadline. If they don’t confirm by a certain time, assign the task to someone else. No waiting until the last minute.

When they realize that things move forward without them, they will either:

• Feel motivated to follow through next time, or
• Show their true colors—that they were never reliable to begin with.

3. Don’t Accept Their Empty Promises at Face Value

One of the biggest traps of dealing with this type of friend is believing them every time they say “I’ll do it this time.” Because they mean it. In that moment, they truly believe they will change. But history has shown you time and time again that they won’t.

So instead of treating their promises as set in stone, treat them as tentative, requiring proof of action.

• Instead of “Okay, I’ll trust you to handle it,” say: “That sounds great. Can you confirm with me tomorrow that you’ve started on it?” “Let’s check in on Friday to make sure everything is lined up.” “I appreciate you offering to handle that, but since this has fallen through in the past, can we come up with a plan B just in case?”

This forces them to take responsibility for the promise they’re making. If they get defensive or act insulted that you don’t just blindly trust them, remind them:

“It’s not that I don’t trust you as a person—it’s that this has happened before, and I want to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

If they get upset, that’s on them. Your job is to ensure reliability, not to protect their feelings from reality.

4. Teach Them That Their Actions Have Consequences

People who are perpetually unreliable often live in a world where someone always covers for them. There’s always a friend who picks up the slack, always someone who excuses their behavior, always a way out. And because of this, they never feel the full weight of the consequences.

It might sound harsh, but the best way to help them grow is to let them experience what happens when people stop covering for them.

How to enforce consequences gracefully:

• If they ghost on an event they promised to help with, let them find out later that the group went ahead without them.
• If they bail on an obligation, stop inviting them to be responsible for things.
• If they make a promise and break it, remind them of it later. (“Hey, you said you’d do this, but it never happened. What’s up with that?”)
• If they flake on something serious, allow them to feel the impact. Maybe next time, they won’t be the first choice for an important role.

It’s not about punishing them. It’s about teaching them that reliability is not optional.

5. Accept That Some People Will Never Change—and Adjust Accordingly

At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: Does this person actually want to improve, or do they just want others to accommodate them?

Some people, no matter how much you console them, remind them, or hold them accountable, will always live in a state of chaos. They don’t want to grow. They just want you to keep making room for their shortcomings.

If this is the case, then the best thing you can do is adjust your expectations.

• Stop expecting them to be reliable. If you still want to be friends, that’s fine—but stop assigning them responsibilities that affect others.
• Keep interactions on your terms. See them when it’s convenient for you, rather than trying to fit them into structured plans.
• Don’t engage in the cycle of disappointment. If you already know they won’t follow through, stop setting yourself up for frustration.

Final Thought: Boundaries Are Not Cruelty—They Are Self-Respect

There’s nothing wrong with being there for a friend who is struggling. There’s nothing wrong with offering support and understanding. But when their struggles become a pattern of broken promises and disruptions, and when their chaos starts affecting the people around them, it’s time to draw a line.

By setting firm boundaries and holding them accountable, you are not being mean. You are showing self-respect—and, in the long run, giving them the best chance to learn what real responsibility looks like.

If they learn and improve, great. If they don’t? Then at least you will have protected your peace. And that’s worth far more than any empty promise.