Preserve your Relationship

It is often easier to deal with someone who is acting like a jerk who knows what he wants than a seemingly pleasant person who doesn’t. 

Whether you have moments or days, decide on your top goal for what you’d most like to have happen in a situation. That gives you context. Otherwise you are more likely to project your own concerns onto the other person. Then you are less able to be fully present, listen and be open and flexible. 

That’s when one tends to react rather than choose how one wants to act. Plus, you are more readily able to recognize, sooner, that you want to change your top goal. 

This approach is especially valuable when we are communicating with someone with whom we have already had frequent interactions such as with spouse or colleague. It helps us get out of repeating past, destructive verbal scripts and other behaviours..

Know That Less Is Often More

Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, and

keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviours increase

the chances that others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.

Go Slow To Go Fast

When you first meet and re-meet people, move and talk more slowly

and obliquely. Give them room to “own their territory” and feel heard. Later

you can be more direct and move quickly.

Act As If the World Is Going To Treat You Well

Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have

none, and you are more likely to eventually bring out their more positive side.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life

Play With Your Full Deck

You have a wide variety of physical and verbal ways of behaving,

from understated to outspoken, most of which you’ve lost after around fourth

grade. Now you have a more narrow range of behaviours. “Play with your full

deck” by using more “cards” — that is, be able to widen your range of behaviours

to act more like the person you are with: voice level and range, kinds and

number of body motions, and so on.

When you are more like them, you will feel more familiar to them, so you can get “in sync” and they can feel more comfortable with you and what you have to say.

Step outside Yourself to See The Situation As The Other Person Might

In many situations, especially hostile ones, we tend to:

? Focus on the best parts of how we are acting and the worst parts

of how they are acting.

? Presume that when they act a certain way, it is for the same

reason we have if we acted similarly.

These instinctual responses can cause misunderstanding and

conflict escalation.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.

Thank you …refer to the other Person’s Interests First

Practice the mutuality-boosting mind-set approach to communicating

to connect, dubbed Triangle Talk: refer to their interests first (you), then

how the topic relates to a sweet spot of mutual interest (us), and finally, how

it relates to your interests

The other person is more likely to listen sooner, longer, and feel that you are taking their needs into consideration in what you propose.

Act To Enable The Other Person To Save Face And Self-Correct

In so doing you are more likely to preserve the relationship. If

you think they are lying, keep asking questions (until you lose control or run

out of imagination) rather than accusing them of misrepresentation.

Asking questions gives you the time to see if, if fact, you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself.

If your suspicions prove correct, by asking questions, you are gently inquiring rather than blaming, thus allowing them to acknowledge a mistake or misunderstanding and save face.

They are then more likely to correct the situation. You also leave room to escalate later if they do not acknowledge the error.

“Assumptions are the terminates of relationships” Henry Winkler once said. For more insights on the upside of checking your assumptions, read the book, Mindwise by Nicholas Epley.

Want to add word or two?

Speak To Commonalities More Frequently Than Citing Differences

Whatever you refer to most frequently and intensely will be the

center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their

points that you can support and want to expand upon with them.

Don’t Assume They Readily See the Picture You Are Presenting

Do not presume that the other person recognizes all the benefits

of what you are proposing. Take time to vividly describe the benefits to them,

in their terms.

Your comment ….?

Don’t Push Too Close

When considering how fast to move in to suggest a “final offer” or

other form of agreement, lean toward moving slower, especially at first. The

best results, as in making a Chinese meal, happen with the most time spent on

advanced preparation and groundwork, so the final part goes most smoothly and

quickly.

Have A Main Spokesperson

If there is more than one person representing you or your group’s

interests, make sure only one person is responsible for taking the lead in

discussions and that each person knows the content area and personality style

they will represent.

Do not bluff by making an offer you cannot live with if the other

person accepts it.

For example, in making an offer, do not include anything you believe the other person would find unacceptable and not accept.

You might misjudge the person or the situation and find that the person does accept your offer.

Make Substantially the Same Offer A Different Way

Do not overlook the possibility of rearranging the same elements

of an offer to find a more mutually attractive compromise. For example, in

money, consider alternative timing and division of payments.

Stay Present

As many contests require, “You have to be present to win.” Keep

grounded and involved in what is happening in the moment, glancing to the past

and future only for context and balance.

Consider How You Say What You Want To Say

For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke

while praying, which led to a denial of his request. Yet if he’d asked if he

could pray while smoking, he might have received a positive response.

The more you take the initiative to facilitate a mutually beneficial agreement the greater the possibility that you will boost trust and spur them to act similarly in the future.

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,

Love like you'll never be hurt,

Sing like there's nobody listening,

And live like it's heaven on earth.