Preserve your personal energy : Say No when you want

‘Focusing is about saying No’ - said Steve Jobs

Ever regret the ‘Yes’, right after you have said it?!

Feel this way more often than not?

Well, you are not alone.?

Many of our Yes’s are driven by?

• A desire to be ‘nice’

• An attempt at ‘not hurting others feelings’?

• An overwhelmed mind (in a skewed power equation) that insists:

?‘There’s no way I can say No to him/her!’?

I personally find it hard to say No, when someone makes an admirable effort to sell me something.

My husband struggles saying No to maintenance chores that ruin his weekend.

I can quickly say No to things that interfere with my productivity

My husband swiftly says No, to the mildest sign of a lifestyle creep.

Saying No is almost universally distasteful.

Some have a hard time saying No to people they love?

Others struggle with saying No at work?

But,?

‘What you don’t do, determines what you can do’ (Tim Ferris)

A consistent pattern of being unable to say No, can unleash physical , emotional and psychological chaos inside you.?

And you don’t need an expert opinion on that!

Think of :

• How uncomfortable it is for your body, every atom of your constitution when you load it with tasks without first nurturing it.??

• How numbing it is for your mind when you dump it with assignments even when it is burnt out.?

• How crushing it is to your sense of well-being when you choose pleasing people over your own self care goals.?

Setting boundaries- saying no to unlimited demands on your time, energy, money is basic self preservation

Here’s what you can do to fortify your Nos’?

1.Prioritize what's really important, break it down further?

For example?

• It is your family vacation but your boss? insists you attend meetings virtually. You are unable to say no

Recommendation:

Clearly, for colleagues/bosses - a family vacation is something to respect and to stay out of .?

Frame your sentence politely.

Articulate that you appreciate feeling so valuable.?

You understand your absence is being missed but your family is looking forward to spending undisturbed time with you.?

Propose that if work is piling up, you could help as soon as you are back, also maybe put in some extra hours.?

On the other hand, blanket rules like, ‘Family first’’ don’t always work

Example

• You had a bad day at work. All you want is peace and rest . But your spouse insists you go to a party. You struggle to say No.?

Recommendation:

It is important to keep the family happy at all times, but self care ignored but can rebound with a vengeance

In this example you must prioritize self care over your spouse’s demands (unless it is a professionally/personally important party to him/her)

Explain how drained and beat you are. Promise to make up for this at the first available opportunity.?

On the other hand, if you go with the plans and end up more hassled, you will harbor suppressed resentment that is unhealthy for relationships.

2. Plan your calendar in advance

Book slots on your calendar weeks in advance for key do-able- for those long term drivers of holistic growth.?

Plus start every fresh week/day earmarking slots for that week's important/urgent actionable.?

Now when someone asks a favor- a genuine one, you know exactly how much free time you have.

You can objectively decide and make room for the request without adding stress.

But don’t get into the trap of optimizing every minute on your calendar.

It will bog you down.?

Keep just enough space between events for you to maneuver around spillovers, delays and resting breaks

3. Don't think twice when it comes to ethics/values

If you are asked to say No to something against your values, just do it without batting an eyelid

For example:

• You are attempting a test with utmost integrity but can’t say no to a friend who implores you to ‘help’ him with answers ... ‘If you are his true friend’.

One more:

• Your bestie begs you not to tell on him when you stumble upon evidence that he is siphoning money off the firm.

Prepare yourself to say ‘No’ when the situation does not align with your values.?

Avoid ‘being nice’ or letting someone take advantage of your feelings to get away with unethical behavior.

4. Be persistent and firm in communication?

Often you instinctively sense that the people making unreasonable demands on your time could be taking advantage of your weakness.?

They probably have figured out that you may not push back hard enough so they keep persisting.

If you relate to such situations, then one way to work up your ‘No’ power would be to remind yourself of what’s at stake- tie it to something close to your heart

Example?

• You are about to finish a hectic day right on time- much to your satisfaction. Now you can reach home on time to take your kid to his football class.?

But your colleague rushes in begging you to take some of his load- simply because you managed to finish yours on time.?

This isn't the first time it's happening.?

You have often counselled him on ways to avoid wasting time at work.?

And yet he is your friend, how can you say no??

Recommendation :?

Remind yourself of what’s at stake, who will really suffer if you don’t say no.?

Think of your 5 year old eagerly awaiting you at home.?

Or your mother for whom you could finally run that errand today.

Your No will now be powerful and final.?

5. Be sensitized to the nuances of grey

It's important to remember that everything is not black or white.?

Life is about sensing the grey intuitively and adapting yourself to such situations.?

In the examples mentioned earlier some may be amidst unforeseen emergencies.?

Like the boss wanting you to attend meetings on a vacation?may be due to a terrible market crash.?

Top clients may be lining up to pull out money from the company’s fund management services. So he may be requesting you to step in and plug possible catastrophic losses.??

Or that time-wasting colleague who pushes you to share his workload might be going through rough times due to a? personal tragedy.?

In both these cases, it is obvious you need to set everything aside and jump to the rescue!?