Presence and Connection in Digital Meetings

Written with Julie Fogh

Welcome to May of 2020. It’s not precisely the “Whole New World” Aladdin promised Princess Jasmine, but “unbelievable sights” and “indescribable feelings” certainly does feel accurate. 

Those of us fortunate enough to have jobs that can be performed remotely are dealing with a giant upheaval in how we communicate, coinciding with a giant upheaval in how we do everything else: childcare, obtaining food, exercising, socializing, etc. Emotions are running closer to the surface than ever before; distractions abound. This is not “business as usual” in any sense of the phrase. We're busy creating a new normal, and figuring out how to communicate effectively through that. By now you may have the nitty-gritty of Zoom meetings more or less "down", but are you truly connecting?

How can we communicate effectively through all of this? We’ve been thinking about it non-stop, and want to share one of our favorite tools (at all times, not just for now) with you: Patsy Rodenburg’s “Three Circles” of energy. The three circles concept is a way of looking at the space between us when we communicate - and we’re not talking about 6 physical feet. We’re talking energy and connection.  

First circle is the kind of energy that falls back into you: the energy of the shy person finding a wall at the party, the energy of keeping your ideas to yourself, the energy of conscious “coolness” and reserve. On the other end of the scale is third circle: the person who is too loud or energetic for the situation, the person who talks at you instead of with you, someone who is aggressive, dominant, or over-enthusiastic, the spotlight hog. Neither circle is all bad (New Yorkers will be familiar with 1st circle as the energy we ride the subway in, and 3rd circle as useful for screaming at the cabbie who takes the corner too fast as you try to cross the street), but neither circle is ideal for making a real connection. Second circle (which you can read more about in Patsy’s book) is the circle of presence, charisma, listening, and rapport. It has give and take. It allows us to say what we need to say, and see how our words are landing on our audience. Being on the receiving end of second circle feels like magic - you feel seen and heard, and feeling seen and heard is one of the most fundamental desires of the human heart, especially when things are rough.

So how does this all apply in the world of Zoom meetings? Here’s how the three circles may be showing up on you and your coworkers in this world of digital connection:

First Circle - 

• Energetically:  hiding, suspended animation, “hold my breath until things go back to normal”, “flight/freeze” mode
• Technically:  Camera off, too quiet to be heard
• Physically: holding your breath, not reaching your computer vocally or energetically, tension/lockdown (voice may be tired when you finish)
• What it looks like:  Distracted (checking phone, etc.), not contributing, avoiding everyone else’s emotions
• How it can read:  Bored, distant, distracted, detached, passive-aggressive, not invested, judgmental, forgettable

Third Circle - 

• Energetically: jumping to problem-solving/future, “when this is all over”, “I know best”, “fight” mode, performing normal
• Technically: mic on all the time, dominating chat, overly loud, looking at yourself on the screen instead of the other person (“performing”)
• Physically: edge of your seat, locked into “good posture”, over-smiling, tension (voice may be tired when you’re finished)
• What it looks like:  dominating conversation, cutting people off, “managing” everyone else’s emotions, “spray and pray” or soft-focus, stacking words and phrases, “Fixing”.
• How it can read: aggressive, dominant, not listening, taking over, angry, frantic, overly-enthusiastic, a “performance”

Second Circle - 

• Energetically: being present in the moment, not “managing”, curiosity without judgement
• Technically: computer at the right distance away, mic muted and unmuted as necessary
• Physically: energized posture with potential for moment, not locked, easy inhale, speaking on the breath
• What it looks like: listening AND contributing, energized, able to shift tone, noticing details, connecting to each individual, going with the flow without losing direction,
• How it can read: energized, empathetic, present, “team player”, connected

If You Find Yourself Outside of Second Circle

All of us know how to be in second circle with someone, and all of us tend to have a circle we move into when we feel stressed, emotional, or under attack, or when we feel the need to perform, prove ourselves, or to impress people.

Especially for introverts and highly sensitive people, first circle may be the place you go to protect yourself in high-stress situations. It feels (and often IS) safer, but it’s not effective for connection. You risk disappearing.

It’s easy, especially for managers, type-A personalities, and future-focused folks, to go straight to “let’s pretend it’s business as usual” without acknowledging reality or “problem-solving/superhero mode” without taking the time to understand what people need. Are you in fight mode (it may not even be with the people in the room, but they may be the lucky recipients!)? Are you trying to perform being ok? Are you trying to manage what’s happening at the expense of the people in front of you? Especially right now, it’s not gonna be well-received. Your first goal should be helping people feel seen and heard.

If you notice yourself in first circle:  Identify if there is something you are trying to shut out (space, noise, emotions) - can it be addressed more directly? Notice if you have given yourself enough space to BE in during online meetings - hunching over your computer will cut off your energy and breath. Recommit your attention to the screen. Use observation and curiosity to keep yourself involved- no one can see where your eyes are ACTUALLY looking, so feel free to indulge the introvert’s favorite pastime of staring at other people without fear of being caught! Use chat features if you want to interject, but don’t want to interrupt. Turn off your camera if you need a moment, but come back as soon as you can.

If you feel yourself in third circle: take a moment to check in with yourself. Take a moment to connect to your body in whatever piece of furniture you are sitting on, and connect with your breath. Really look at the people you are talking to without judging them - what information are you getting? How can you listen more deeply, hearing not just the words, but the tone and energy as well? How can you call someone else forward? What question could you ask that would allow someone else to contribute? 

For everyone, no matter which circle you find yourself in: 

• Ground yourself - actually feel your butt in your chair, see where you can give the furniture more of your weight (when we’re stressed, we tend to almost hover over the furniture). 
• Observe your breath - chances are, you may not be expanding fully right now. Aim your breath into the sides and back of your ribcage. Breathe through strong feelings instead of locking down.
• Retain your sense of humor and flexibility with the inevitable tech snafus ahead.
• Give yourself (and your coworkers) permission to not be good at this, to have a bad day, to be overwhelmed with very real and legitimate distractions, and to try again at the next meeting.

We hope this gives you a helpful framework to understand how you are feeling and how you are connecting at this time - and of course, all of this will apply in person as well! In the meantime, this is us toasting you from our side of the digital divide, wishing you health and well-being. We’re here for your questions, here for those of you who might find this the perfect time to dream up a new keynote, here for rehearsing difficult conversations and talking team dynamics, and here to celebrate your wins. See you on the other side.