Preposterous Imposter Syndrome & Mental Health

What is Imposter syndrome? How does it eat away at you every day?... How is it linked to mental health?

In all honesty, this could be two or more separate articles but I would not be able to capture what they are and my experience of both unless it was all together. So sit tight, I promise the read will be worth it.

'Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success'

Despite having sufficient evidence in front of you, this preposterous feeling of being a fraud prevails taking over your mind. This possibly irrational emotion being 'the truth' in your head. - Now, I'm going to come back to Imposter Syndrome, but I wanted you to know what it was first.

Where it all began...

Depression and Anxiety. Where did it all begin for me? That, honestly, is an impossible question to answer. Maybe if I continued with my CBT appointment I would have a better understanding but that was not important to me... I just wanted to take control of it.

I went through a tough time in a very rocky relationship where emotional control took place and things became quite physical (Men, it does happen to you too, don't be afraid to speak about it). This article contains a few reasons why I probably stuck around a little longer than I should have - Help Guide Blog. Add this to a tough final two years in the British Army - where I touched on those points in my previous article (Soldier to Civilian) - and you get a big old mess.

On the closing of one chapter

Fast-forwarding to the last year of my service, everything from the previous paragraph had build-up and was a huge compressed mess within my mind, fighting me. I can see a glimmer of light, my last day in service, but it feels so far away. The crippling anxiety of going into work, feeling as if everyone was talking about you (even though they weren't) was bad enough, but waking up every day worrying whether you had done something wrong and was going to get 'beasted' for it really hit hard. Don't get me wrong, that happened, you did get beasted for screwing up, but what anxiety does is makes you worry that everything you have done is a 'screw up'.

So day after day, the worry mounts up, one on top of each other. This fizzing mess becomes so close to imploding and it is a fine line between coping and tipping over the edge. Countless days while serving I would wake up and wish I could go back to sleep and pretend the day was over, so many times I would convince myself I was ill to get signed off for 24hrs by the medical centre but this was only a short term fix. My desire was to be at home with my family, to see my girl grow up, to work a 'normal' 9-5 job and switch off when I was home... but this wasn't going to be a reality any time soon.

Welcome Depression, the silent assassin. Depression now began to sink in, I felt alone in this crappy, horrible military barrack-room, barley livable and probably still condemned. The more time I spent here feeling the way I did the more I became a living embodiment of that room.

Depression became a downward spiral when it met my anxiety, they held hands and pulled me down with them. The worry of going into work became panic, the downward emotions of loneliness became dark holes of despair. My active, extrovert self became a lazy, silent soul, unable to do anything.

So there I was, fearing work, feeling terrible, silent. Given my job role, this had huge impacts. Those fears became real. My chain of command never saw the change, instead, they made me feel worse by punishing me for the way I felt which sent this spiral spinning faster. I dug myself so deeply, my mind was not only now hurting me mentally but it was telling my body to hurt me physically - I'm sure if you read between the lines you will realise what I mean.

What was I to do?!

Family are your world...

My family are just that, they are my world. My partner took charge and saw this spin. She supported me, she held me up but it was taking its toll on her and on us. So one day, and I have no idea why I decided to take control. This was one of my good days, and I wasn't sure how long this would last so I needed to act fast. I apologised profusely for my mind to my partner and made the first step to the 'road to recovery'.

1. To the doctor - I booked myself to see the doctor, the civilian doctor because the Military fails to see the mental health struggle (I'd been seeing them for months and the response was always 'See how you feel in a few weeks time')
2. Get fit, eat healthily and exercise - mad how these three simple things in a structured routine really made a difference My Trailmix containing useful health and wellbeing modules
3. Find a passion - Hello Salesforce & Trailhead!
4. Lean on your support network - Trailhead Military/Vetforce - They may not sympathise but sure will be able to emphasise!
5. Take control

...and that is the biggest step on that road map... accept that it is okay, embrace it and use it to help #BlazeYourTrail

So I was given my meds (Not very nice ones... they make me sick if I forget to take them, but I hate taking meds! - Yet I rely on them to remain calm and not overthink things. These are a long term patch, not the ultimate fix), I had the support of my family, my routine was there and I had found my own personal passion for something. Work never changed. In fact, it got worse as I got closer to the end of my service but, I was now in control of my mind and 100% on the upward curve... that downward spiral now had a nemesis... me! I started to prove my worth and was referred for a position as a dev on the platform. I had a goal and that was working hard towards a job that I had been 'unofficially' offered. Everything was going in the right direction.

Boom! ...and not in a good way. That career on the Salesforce platform that I thought I had... was pulled right from beneath my feet a week or so before my last day in service... what was I going to do?!

I had spent the last year or so teaching myself all about Salesforce, this wonderful platform and how it would hold so many promising opportunities for me but all my eggs in that basket had just shattered. Had I just wasted my year of resettlement??

No!! No, I had not. Trailhead had taught me invaluable skills both on the platform and about the world in general. That trail I was trying to blaze... it was still hot. This is where the real battle started, slip into that spiral or use this moment to propel me into the 'future'. I was now a #Trailblazer for sure.

Soldier to civilian

Using the skills Salesforce taught me, the support from my family and the friendships from this newly found Trailblazer ohana, I continued my learning, grasping every opportunity I could get. There was no way I was letting my family down, being unemployed and losing everything we had. So what did I do on such a limited time?? I was so close to having 'nothing'... Trailhead you were amazing but helloooo Vetforce (Trailhead Military)!!

This community took me under their wing, provided me with a family (#Ohana) and supported me (and still do to this day) with every challenge I face.

Certified Admin... welcome the secret roadblock

I did it! In a matter of months after my last day in service, after taking on an interim job to pay the bills, after my continued determination to remain in the Salesforce eco-system, I BECAME CERTIFIED!

Art of Cloud... who are they? Well, they are the pedestal, the boost, the leverage to my achievements. They gave me what I had been longing for... an opportunity, and a bloody good one at that... Salesforce Developer, yes, please! My dreams came true!! All at once!

Remember the definition at the beginning? That preposterous imposter syndrome reared its head from somewhere within. I had this job, but why me? I wasn't a qualified developer so why did it get the job? Can I even do this job? Do I even know what I am doing? - imposter syndrome - I let my guard down with my triumphs and allowed my mind to take over...

The daily fight

So I have imposter syndrome... okay, what am I going to do. I became a certified platform developer, did that help? No. I thought it would prove to my CTO that he had made the right decision. In all honesty, I could be a Certified Technical Architect and I'm pretty sure I'd still feel this way. But that's me, and I need to embrace it. So I do, some days it's not possible but on the most part I channel any anxiety, depression and any imposter syndrome to give me the motivation to #BlazeMYtrail and IT IS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.

So what do I actually do? I became a #TrailblazerCommunity group leader and have applied to be a Lightning Champion to push my boundaries, to put me in the deep end, to give me some anxiety that I can spin into positive mental attitude to succeed. I am forever pushing my knowledge, wanting to learn more and taking on bigger challenges because now I use my demons to my advantage.

What do you need to know?

You NEED to know that you can do this. You really can. There is so much help out there for people in these situations but ultimately, you need to do it. I believe in you.

You are not alone. Reach out, subtly hint, talk. There are more people out there than you think who have suffered or are suffering. As hard as it is to talk about it, it helps. I've never spoken about any of this to anyone... but this has helped me rationalise it all.

Kickass, use this negative feeling to throw you into the future, there is a light!

I am an open door, and so many people are. Remember its okay not to be okay. I will listen to you and I'm sure many others will too.

Thank you, you mean the world to me

Yep, Salesforce and Trailhead became my passion... Salesforce Military became a new ohana but my real rock and the real reason I pushed and continue to push so hard to do what I do is because of my fiance Adele to whom I am eternally grateful.

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Jonathan Fox | Art of Cloud - Salesforce Developer | Military Trailblazer | Salesforce Enthusiast | Family Man

@JFoxUk | Trailblazer.me | Chatter Profile