Preparing for Compassionate Care in Your School

I remember receiving a phone call from a friend who was the head of a Christian school. The urgency in his voice made it clear that this was not a social call. "TC, I am so sorry for bothering you, especially during this time of grieving for your family, but I really need your help." Just one month earlier, he and his wife had attended the memorial service for our 5-year-old son, Shawn Michael.

?He told me that he was at the hospital with the family of a staff member from his school. Their healthy and energetic kindergarten son had just passed away from sudden meningitis. "What should I do? What should I say?" he whispered into the phone. "Our school has never had to deal with something like this, and I don't know where to start," I reassured him that I would be there as soon as possible and advised him to show love and compassion for the family. Little did I know that one phone call would begin a 22+ year ministry helping Christian schools, churches, and organizations deal with traumatic loss and grief.

?Many individuals in our Christian school communities have recently lost loved ones. This can be very tough for students, as it is a profound and long-lasting experience that can be hard to deal with. When a Christian school is prepared and trained for these situations, it often shines its brightest by showing that it is not just a place of work or learning but also serves as an extended family for many people.

?In this session, I will share three practical solutions for your Christian school to prepare you for the unfortunate phone call you will receive one day.

?I.???????????????? Provide age-appropriate groups to support each other through grieving.

It is important to remember that grief is a deeply personal experience, regardless of age. Creating an environment where individuals can openly express their emotions and grieve together if needed is crucial. Both children and adults should be given the space to cope in their own way. Some people find solace in talking and reminiscing about the person they've lost, while others prefer to celebrate the person's life and keep their memory alive. Some may find comfort in quiet reflection, while others might need a safe space to seek refuge from grief and sadness. We may not always be comfortable with emotional situations, so it is essential to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with grief. Allow people to process their emotions naturally and pay attention to how students and families respond so that you can provide the most effective support for them.

?II.?????????????? Create a crisis response plan and prepare your staff ahead of time.

?It is essential to have individuals who can support and help your students and families during grief. These individuals can include pastoral staff, trained counselors, chaplains, or anyone equipped to assist. Your staff and administration should be trained in essential emotional first aid and support skills to manage the initial impact. However, the most crucial thing is to ensure that your students, staff, and families know that support is available and that you are there for them, no matter their needs.

?III.???????????? Clearly understand your role and limitations in the situation.

?In a school environment, it's important to publicly acknowledge the impact of a loss when helping students and families deal with grief. However, after spending appropriate time together, many students, staff, and families may simply want to return to their regular routines, especially at school. It's important to remember that coping with feelings of grief and isolation after losing someone may take weeks, months, or even years for both adults and children. This underscores the importance of providing outstanding pastoral care and long-term support for the well-being of staff and students.

?In conclusion, I want to reiterate that I cannot provide a specific script for handling grief and loss in the classroom at your school. Throughout my 22+ years of experience, I have encountered over 50 different situations, each one of them being unique.

However, in my professional development sessions, I can address usual questions you might encounter and provide a general overview of what to expect, along with some best practices for handling the situations you may face.

?Here are a few answers to commonly asked questions that I have found.

?Q:?Some teachers may be hesitant to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. Is it preferable for a teacher to speak up rather than remain silent?

??A:?Saying nothing can convey a lot, sending children the message that you are unconcerned or unable to help, which is not what we want them to feel. Listen to their concerns and share from your heart when appropriate.

?Q:?What can teachers do to support children and families after a recent loss?

??A:?First, acknowledge the children's loss and encourage them to express their feelings over time. Check in with them regularly to see how they are coping. Second, offer to provide them with flexibility in their schoolwork and collaborate with other teachers and coaches to manage their overall workload. Don't wait for academic challenges to escalate into academic failure. Finally, it is essential to reach out to parents and caregivers and collaborate with them to support the child. Establish ongoing communication to ensure that the child is coping and to exchange effective strategies being used at home or at school.

?Q:?What are some signs that a child may be experiencing extreme difficulty adjusting after a loss?

??A:?If a student is experiencing intense emotions, apathy, or persistent feelings of sadness or depression, they should seek a referral. Additionally, if there are any changes in behavior, such as increased aggression or significant behavioral problems, it is important to seek help. For children who have undergone trauma, loss, or significant disruptions in their family situations, it might be beneficial to seek counseling even before any signs of coping difficulties become apparent.

?Q: How should teachers explain a student's loss to other children?

??A:?Just like adults, children may fear saying or doing the wrong thing. They may distance themselves from the grieving student, make insensitive comments, ask repetitive or detailed questions, or even tease the grieving student. Talk to children about the basics of dealing with loss, get permission from the bereaved child's parents or guardians before discussing the situation, and provide practical advice for helping a grieving classmate.

?Q:?How much should teachers share their feelings of grief with students?

??A:?When teachers share their feelings and positive coping strategies with students, they invite children to do the same. It isn't helpful for children to see adults overwhelmed and immobilized by a crisis, but children appreciate it when adults are genuine.

?Q:?How should issues of discipline be handled with students who are grieving?

??A:?The purpose of discipline is to teach positive behavior rather than to punish misbehavior. It's important to ensure that children's behavior doesn't endanger them or others, but setting limits and addressing misbehavior should be done with compassion. Your aim is to help them learn how to adapt to their mistakes and manage their emotions.

?Q:?"Should teachers consider adjusting certain classroom projects or activities?"

??A:?Teachers can collaborate with students to create a safety plan for managing feelings of being overwhelmed by grief triggers and take measures to reduce their impact. Certain occasions like Thanksgiving or Father's Day can act as common triggers. When addressing activities related to these holidays, it's essential to recognize that some children may have absent family members.

Q:?What do you think is the best way to train teachers and staff about grief?

??A:?The goal is to help teachers feel more comfortable with the topic and provide them with essential knowledge to support, but not counsel, students who are grieving. Teachers will learn to predict common reactions and difficulties, as well as basic strategies for addressing these challenges, and to recognize when it's necessary to refer students for additional services.

?Some useful and best practices for talking to grieving students.

????????? Don't say: "I know just what you're going through." You cannot know this. Instead, ask: "Can you tell me more about what this has been like for you?"

????????? Avoid saying, "You must be incredibly angry." It's not helpful to tell people how they are feeling. Instead, ask, "Most people have strong feelings when something like this happens. What has this been like for you?"

????????? Remember this: "It's important to remember the good things in life." However, a grieving child should be allowed to express whatever feelings she is having. Instead, say this: "What kinds of memories do you have about the person who died?"

????????? Don't say this: "I know how you must be feeling; my dog died last week." It is not helpful to compare losses. Say this instead: "I know how I've felt when someone I loved died, but I don't know how you're feeling. Can you tell me?"

????????? Don't tell grieving children to be strong for their family, as this can prevent them from learning how to cope with their feelings.

?Suggestions for School-based support programs

?It's important to offer school-based support and compassionate follow-up care when a student experiences the death of a friend or loved one. Each student will be affected differently based on their developmental level, cultural beliefs, personal characteristics, family situation, and previous experiences. It's essential to have strategies in place to support bereaved students.

General Tips to Support Students of All Ages

?·?????? Be understanding of common grief reactions, such as decreased appetite, difficulty sleeping, reduced ability to concentrate, increased sadness, and social withdrawal. Students may also experience anger towards the deceased for leaving them.

·?????? Be simple. Discuss death in developmentally appropriate terms for students.

·?????? Use direct language such as "death," "die," or "dying" when discussing mortality, and avoid vague euphemisms like "passed away" or "departed." Euphemisms can be confusing, especially for children.

·?????? Let students know that death is a genuine part of life.? All humans will eventually die; death is not contagious, and it is rare for children to die.

·?????? Listen, acknowledge feelings, and be nonjudgmental. Be concise and above all be patient. You may need to repeat information for clarity.????

·?????? Avoid making assumptions and imposing your own beliefs on students while carefully expressing your feelings in an open, calm, and appropriate way that encourages students to share their feelings and grief.

·?????? A variety of feelings are typical. Be sensitive to each student's experience, as there is no one right way to respond to a loss. Feelings and behaviors will vary across students and change throughout the bereavement process. Be sensitive to the differences that students and their families may express in dealing with grief and honoring the dead.

·?????? When considering a student's intellectual abilities, behavior, and understanding of death, it's important to remember that children with developmental disabilities may still be impacted by death even if they have limited communication skills. Their grief may be expressed through behaviors such as increased frustration, compulsivity, somatic complaints, relationship difficulties, and increased self-stimulatory behaviors.

·?????? Maintain a normal routine in your classroom and engage students in activities they previously enjoyed. Provide the opportunity to talk and ask questions, using these questions to guide further discussion. Encourage students to share feelings but in ways that are not disruptive to the class or hurtful to other students.

·?????? Keep in mind that some children may have difficulty expressing their feelings or feel uncomfortable talking at school. Do not pressure these students to talk. Some may prefer writing, drawing, listening to music, or playing a game instead of talking about their feelings. Provide students with a variety of options for expressing grief.

·?????? Talk to the bereaved student's classmates about grief and emphasize the importance of being understanding and sensitive.

·?????? Help bereaved students find a peer support group. There will likely be others who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

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?Tips When the Whole School is Affected by a Teacher or Student Death

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DO THIS FIRST:

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1.???????? Speak to the family or a representative of the deceased's family to express your sadness and compassion.? Let them know that you and the school are there to assist in any way possible.

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2.???????? Ask them if it would be appropriate to prepare a letter and/or email as a direct communication that should be sent home to all parents and staff on school letterhead informing them of the death.

3.???????? With the family's approval, be sure to include this information in the communication:

·?????? Essential facts about the death to dispel rumors and misunderstandings.

·?????? Discuss the various feelings and responses that may arise during the grieving process.

·?????? Guidance about talking to their children about the death.

·?????? Indicators of the need for mental health counseling

·?????? Directions on contacting the school if they have questions or believe their child may benefit from counseling.

·?????? Direction on how to obtain community resources.

·?????? Share factual information with staff (through meetings and bulletins), students (through class announcements and discussions), and parents (through letters/email). Regularly provide them with relevant updates.

·?????? Provide teachers with guidelines on sharing information about the death with their students and establish referral procedures for students requiring additional support.

·?????? Pay close attention to students who have experienced recent deaths or critical life changes, witnessed the death, or have emotional problems.

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Tips for Specific Age Groups

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Preschool

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1.???? Avoid euphemisms, as preschoolers have trouble understanding death and may believe the death is reversible.

2.???? Provide opportunities to express thoughts and feelings about death through play activities and drawing.

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Possible reactions include:

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·???????????? Crying or screaming, Clinging and fear of separation

·???????????? Regressive behaviors such as wetting pants and thumb sucking

·???????????? Decreased verbalization

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Elementary School

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1.???? These students may ask questions and seek to understand what happened. Please be patient and direct them to adults who can answer their questions.

2.???? Students who are under eight years old may engage in magical thinking and believe that they could have prevented a death. It is important to acknowledge these feelings and fears, but it's crucial not to validate them.

3.???? Students between the ages of nine and twelve may feel less comfortable expressing their feelings and may find it difficult to see expressions of grief in others. It is important to ensure that these students are offered numerous ways to express their grief.

Possible reactions include:

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·?????? Behavioral difficulties

·?????? Decreased concentration and Poor school performance

·?????? Depression, Irritability and/or withdrawal

·?????? Somatic complaints (headaches & stomachaches)

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Middle and High School

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Please take note of the following:

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1.???? Do not pressure students to share their feelings with others, including their peers, if they do not feel comfortable. Provide them with opportunities to share their feelings privately.

2.???? Students often seek support through social media. Be mindful of what is being posted and shared. Encourage students to seek support for a friend in need.

3.???? Students in their mid-to-late teens tend to feel more comfortable expressing their feelings and grief, similar to adults.

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4.???? High school students may use physical contact, such as hugging or touching an arm, to show their support and empathy.

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Possible reactions include:

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·?????? Poor school performance

·?????? Anxiety, depression

·?????? High-risk behaviors or substance use

·?????? Emotional numbing

·?????? Suicidal thoughts

I am grateful for this very helpful resource:???? Addressing Grief: Tips for Teachers and Administrators. https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications