Preparing Children for Home Loss

In light of the recent fires, we want to give special attention to families who have experienced loss. Although most affected areas are not yet able to return to their homes to assess the damage, we wanted to provide comprehensive tips about how to prepare your child after the wildfires and how your child may react as they begin to cope with the gravity of the situation, in which may be traumatic for them. We thank the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) for their invaluable insight.

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At times like this, there are so many emotions and decisions that need to be made. One of the biggest decisions regards returning to your home after loss. There is no right answer as to when or if you should take your child to the home. You know your child and how they respond and cope with scary and stressful situations. You also know what you are mentally able to handle – honor those feelings and the knowledge about yourself and your family.

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When it is safe to return, plan to return to the home first WITHOUT your child.

-????????? NCTSN recommends making sure you know how to protect yourself and your family before entering a burned area and to take the upmost precaution when doing so.

-????????? Communicate with your children that you will be returning to your home to assess the condition of the home and the neighborhood and that it is something you will doing without them. If possible, let them know a general timeline of when you plan to return to reassure them of your safety.

-????????? Take time to mourn your home, the hard work it took to obtain your home, the work you did to make it a family home, your memories, your physical possessions, etc.

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When you return, be honest about the damage to your home and your neighborhood in an age-appropriate way.

-????????? Allow your children to express their feelings, thoughts, emotions

-????????? Let them ask questions. Children often ask repeated questions as they try to understand, process, and cope with the situation. Providing consistent answers reassures them and gives them comfort.

-????????? Allow children to grieve for their physical possessions. Children place self-worth in their physical possessions. Giving them the opportunity to feel these emotions helps them to cope and process.

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If you decide your children should NOT visit the home, let them know why. Only you know what your child can handle and if this will be helpful or provide closure for them.

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If you decide your children SHOULD visit the home:

-????????? Describe what they will see, smell, and possibly feel (this will help them recognize it is ok to feel all these emotions) BEFORE you leave and to prepare them for the visuals at the scene.

-????????? Be aware they may be triggered by the sight of fire, the sight or smell of smoke, and/or the sound of sirens. So be aware of this when you visit and as children integrate back into normal life with movies, tv shows, books etc.

-????????? Be patient with your child. Follow their lead and read their body language. Do not force them to do or see anything. Be observant if it is too much for them to be there. It is always ok to change your mind or limit the interaction at home.

-????????? Encourage them to remember positive memories they have alongside their current feelings of sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. Remind them what makes a home are the people and the experiences that become memories.

-????????? Address any concerns about the safety of loved ones and pets honestly. Tell them in an age-appropriate way if someone or a pet is currently missing or has passed away.

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As children learn about more about the damages done by the fires, and life slowly begins to resume, oftentimes not as it was just a few days ago, children will behave differently depending on their age, developmental level and age, and prior experiences with fires and traumatic experiences.

Experiencing a wildfire in their neighborhood is a traumatic experience regardless of personal loss. As parents and caregivers, we need a quick tutorial on providing trauma care to children in affected areas. The main goal is to provide consistent, patient care to children. Being a reassuring force in their life is paramount to their sense of security and wellbeing.

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The National Child Traumatic Stress Network highlights some common reaction children and families may experience in the aftermath of the wildfires.

Preschool aged children:

-????????? They may feel a sense of helplessness and uncertain about continued danger

-????????? They may have an increase in general fears – take them seriously

-????????? Even the most verbal children still may have difficulty describing their feelings

-????????? May have persistent and repetitive questions as a way of grasping the events.

Parents should provide consistent care with increased communication. Providing reassurance will help children feel safe.

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School aged children:

-????????? May have persistent concern over their safety and wellbeing of their family and friends

-????????? May feel guilt over what they did or didn’t do during the event

-????????? May retell traumatic event as a way of grasping and understanding what happened

-????????? May feel overwhelmed by feelings of fear and sadness

-????????? Can experience physical symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches – take them seriously as a communication of the body of experienced trauma and stress

Parents should encourage children to express their feelings and normalize the variety and expansiveness of those emotions. Correct any distortions of the events they may have. Although it should be noted that family members will have different experiences, reactions and memories of events, it is important to recognize each other’s experiences.

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Adolescents:

-????????? May feel self-conscious about their emotional response about their emotional response so it is important to normalize their emotions and emotional response

-????????? Often experience feelings of shame or guilt over what they did or did not do during the event

-????????? NCTSN notes that traumatic events such as this may foster radical shift in the way they think about and subsequently interact within the world around them

Again, parents should encourage children to express their feelings, and it is important to normalize reactions and provide comfort over any feelings towards how they handled the event.

To read the original article, visit: https://www.theparentingcollaborative.com/blog/preparing-kids-for-home-loss