Preparing for the 'cancer conversation' at work

As the world watched Kate Middleton reveal her cancer journey last week following months of wild theories about her health, I’ve been reflecting on why so many of us forget our manners when someone we care about falls ill.

These world events are timely as I am preparing a presentation for Tauranga Chamber of Commerce about having the ‘cancer conversation’ at work, which includes some pointers about handling the gossip mill.

Pretending people aren’t going to be curious and aren’t going to talk when a colleague is diagnosed with cancer isn’t realistic. Usually, by the time the diagnosis is confirmed at work there are clues something is amiss, and colleagues are already speculating.

The challenge is how business leaders and managers do the right thing to stop the narrative from getting awkward when a person doesn’t want to share the intimate details of their diagnosis.

As a manager, we haven’t had training in how to navigate cancer at work. But the stark reality is that we can no longer avoid skilling up. With 4 in every ten New Zealanders diagnosed with cancer before they’re 75 and cancer rates set to double by 2040, these are conversations every business owner and manager must prepare for in the workplace.

In this information-rich, social media age, we all feel entitled to know all details of everyone’s lives. However, being diagnosed with cancer hardly feels like the time to craft a statement for extended family, friends and colleagues.

I’d like to think we all learned a valuable lesson last week and will adjust our communication expectations for work colleagues’ health issues like cancer. However, my suspicion is that not much will really change. We’re still hardwired to be curious about the wellbeing of people around us at work, and cancer scares us all. Our ‘caring’ is motivated by both genuine empathy and our own fear and need for reassurance which makes it a slippery slope indeed.

So how do you help your team be at peace with a colleague’s desire for privacy while keeping them informed as much as possible and the wheels of your business turning?

At the Cancer Society Waikato/Bay of Plenty we support people at every stage of their cancer journey, without judgement or expectation. We see people processing a cancer diagnosis in very different ways and love that we can provide a ‘safe space’ where the conversation flows.

I think there’s huge potential to create more ‘safe spaces’ in our community, and collectively and individually lean into the cancer conversation with more empathy, bravery and a greater understanding of the journey.

Business leaders have a particularly crucial role to play here, with the potential to make the workplace a source of strength and safety instead of an extra stressor. This starts with the very first conversation when the feelings are at their biggest.

It pays to pause and remember that someone with a new cancer diagnosis is grappling with their own mortality - this is huge. Your response in this moment doesn’t need to be over-engineered, it just needs to be human and say ‘we’ve got you.’

While there isn’t a script for this undeniably difficult conversation, there are a few things to remember:

• Firstly, you can guarantee the person in front of you is already anxious deep down about losing their livelihood and becoming a burden to their work colleagues, so choose your words carefully.
• Allow the person time to process the news in a way that works for them. Let them take the lead in terms of how they want to show up, or not, in those first few days. While work is often a helpful distraction, a way of holding onto normalcy, for some it’s simply too much.
• It’s also important to get clarity about how much, if anything, they want to tell the wider team and expect they may change their mind about this in the weeks and months that follow. In the longer-term, sometimes it works best if communication funnels through a colleague with whom they have the closest friendship.
• Avoid asking details about treatment timeframes - the journey is rarely straightforward and while your prerogative is business continuity, they won’t be able to provide certainty about their absence in the months ahead.
• Demonstrate you can handle this uncertainty, as uncomfortable and inconvenient as it might be. Show up, and keep showing up, as the unflappable boss - a steady hand whom they can trust and keep the communication lines open.
• Be mindful of the rumor mill and remember your discretion is critical. Just because colleagues want to help – and they will - doesn’t entitle them to personal information that somebody isn’t comfortable disclosing. But a complete information void is also unhelpful for managing morale. Work to find a balance and be open and honest about this with the person facing the diagnosis – always putting their wishes and needs first.
• Do the HR and administrative thinking and planning privately and check in before making any moves to re-allocate work or reassign direct reports. Any attempts to be proactive and alleviate stress without consultation, while well-meaning, may backfire by making them feel more out of control.
• Keep in mind the weeks and months after a cancer diagnosis can be stressful - the health system is a complex beast, especially when it comes to cancer. Don’t try to offer expert advice but remember there are organisations well placed to do this. The Waikato Bay of Plenty Cancer Society provides a raft of free support our region’s people can tap into at any stage of their cancer journey, including counselling.
• You’ll likely see glimpses of overwhelm interspersed with flashes of steely resolve over the initial few weeks and months. It’s a rollercoaster and feelings will likely oscillate, wildly. Expect the unexpected.

I challenge business leaders to lean into these ‘cancer conversations’ in the most human way you can and see them as opportunities for creating a culture of kindness and respect for what is a very personal battle.

Helen Carter

Chief Executive, Waikato Bay of Plenty Cancer Society