A Precocious Child Named Grumpy

The debate gets fiercer every day – how far are we from Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) when machines start to mimic human behaviour without us spotting the difference all too easily? And no amount of clicking traffic lights or bridges by them will help us unravel the truth. They were always human to start with, so what’s the big deal? Ask any CA student if it’s possible to pass the exams without a calculator (supposedly the stupidest of all machines), and the look on their face will tell you what a dumb question it is. Machines aren’t enablers at all – they are our crutches, and we are lame without them.

This post is not about machines. It’s about two dogs.

Dogs and AGI – the duh moment! Well, dogs are intelligent too and if taught right, I am certain they can distinguish between balloons and traffic lights just as easily.

I kid you not. ?

I have known Naveen for many years now. He is a lot younger and very bright. One of those Ivy Leaguers – without the (NVIDIA) chip on his shoulder. We were colleagues once in a Bombay-based company (awfully sorry Mumbaikars) and over the years, a fine friendship developed between us, two very different individuals. I moved to a different city so in the last couple of years, I wasn’t in touch as much as I would have liked. A recent business trip last month was lapped up and we didn’t miss the opportunity to meet again.

Naveen and his wife Swati invited me for dinner. They’ve done very well as I saw, settled in one of the tony Bombay neighbourhoods. ??????

Naveen had a dog when he was a mere child. Sparkle.

Sparkle (may his soul rest in peace) wouldn’t agree. Wouldn’t agree to what exactly? He wouldn’t like it a wee bit, being called a dog. ??

Well, Sparkle or Sparky as he was called, thought he was the youngest of the Shroffs. It never quite occurred to him that he was a dog and why he walked on all fours, and that he had a tail. He didn’t see himself differently from the Shroff boys, Naveen and his brother Veerprakash.

Before Facebook held us hostage, there was a thing called Bournvita. Back in those days in India, if you showed me a child who didn’t drink milk with Bournvita, I would have advised you to report them to the authorities. Clearly, something was amiss. ??

Naturally, Bournvita-milk was part of the Shroff boys’ staple diet to strengthen their bones and all that. All hell broke loose the day Master Sparkle Shroff discovered that his milk served in a saucer was bland.

No Bournvita. Nope. Nothing. He sniffed again. Nope.

He scampered back and checked what his siblings were having – lo and behold: Milk mixed with Bournvita. It came to him as a shock, and he instantly threw a fit.

Aunty Shroff, Naveen’s mother put her motherly instinct to good use that day and pacified her youngest. From that day onwards, till Sparky passed on to higher grounds, milk mixed with Bournvita was his favourite beverage. The Shroff boys and Sparky grew up together and shared a fine bond that’s only possible between humans and dogs.

Separation is very painful. When Sparky died, he took a part of joy with him. He had lived for 14 years which is the human equivalent of 98 years. He had lived well and to ripe old age.

The boys moved on, went to study in the Ivy Leagues, and were recruited by India’s finest employers but they never really got down to adopt another pet. Aunty Shroff tears up to this very day when Sparky’s reference comes up in a conversation, and lights up instantly as well. Beautiful memories. ?

Her favourite child will always have a special place in her heart. ?

Naveen decides to get married. He meets Swati and would you believe it, a fine chemistry is in balance because of another dog. This time, it’s a kid called Grumpy — Swati’s sibling.

During lockdown, Swati was spiralling onto the pathway of loneliness. Hourly horrifying news ravaged her mind, and she was desperate to find a new purpose.

Her life’s newly-found purpose (Swati is a highly competent senior finance exec in one of the world’s leading luxury brands) came in the form of a playful 2-month-old Beagle – Grumpy the precocious child.

Naveen asked me, “Soda how did you first encounter your would-be wife? What did you guys talk about?” I hemmed and hawed because it’s been so long that I sometimes forget that there was any such exact moment. I’ve been married for so long that it feels like I was married even when I was sleeping in my mother’s womb.

Well getting back to present times. Dogs were central to their maiden conversation. The couple gushed over, exchanged notes and the hours passed by. Naveen told, passing a knowing glance towards Swati, that by the end of it, they knew, Master Grumpy would have a new address in one of the tony neighbourhoods of Bombay.

Swati is from Pune.

Naveen and Swati married. Swati moved to Bombay with Master Grumpy in tow. Grumpy was a year old at that time, a young lad getting to know the world.

As all young lads are, the initial months were filled with scepticism. He wasn’t quite sure whether Capitalistic Bombay was going to welcome him, and the transition wasn’t easy. Thankfully it lasted only a month or two and Grumpy started to love his new house.

It was impossible for him to not fall in love with the Shroffs and vice-versa. Veerprakash, Naveen’s brother was Grumpy’s partner-in-crime and a constant provider of goodies, Swati, his go-to-individual for solving tax, bitcoin and other related canine problems, Aunty Shroff his godmother and forever protector. And, of course, my friend Naveen.

With Naveen, he struck a unique relationship. Laddie watched Naveen like a hawk - if it is possible for a dog to be hawk-like, that is. Soon he studied every movement and could easily discern between Naveen’s work hours and downtime. Downtime was grabbed with gusto as Grumpy started to grow insistent and clingy by the day. Naveen was delighted because the void that was created by Sparky’s departure was now filled. He left nothing to chance and spoilt the kid rotten.

If it was Bournvita for Sparky, then it is MacD chicken for Grumpy. Whenever the family comes back from an outing, the first thing Grumpy does is sniff Naveen’s fingers and runs to the serving bowl. His favourite chicken dish would have to be served. That part was non-negotiable. It was his way of communicating, “Ok you are allowed me-time but in Capitalistic Bombay there is always a Quid Pro Quo arrangement”. And the family meets his child-like enthusiasm with delight, every time.

Grumpy is human. I am convinced.

He is a stickler for routine. He wakes up at a certain time, he needs to freshen up, he needs to be groomed, entertained and all of that. But there’s a specific time for everything. Let’s say his grooming has been missed, he will then make every effort to tell you that. He has this way of looking at you with a slight tilt of the head, and you are transfixed. He’s gotten you. You can’t break away. He doesn’t like it if the family has petted another dog and on sensing it, withdraws into a corner and sulks. Naturally, the family takes this very seriously and stays clear of other pets.

He is also very sensitive about going to a “hostel” when the family travels. Occasionally, he needs to go there and whenever they pack his bag, he throws a fit. On return, he is moody and withdrawn but, in a day or two he is back to his old self – the playful laddie.

Naveen says Grumpy is a very well-behaved child. I took his word for it. I rang the bell and the family welcomed me to their home – Naveen, Swati, Veerprakash and Aunty Shroff. Grumpy came running towards me but he didn’t jump on me as dogs usually do when they see a stranger. He continued to observe me from a distance. This went on for about 15 or 20 minutes after which he realized I wasn’t a bad guy after all, and quietly sat beside me on the sofa. ?

Extremely well-behaved and courteous – Master Grumpy. May his tribe grow more beautiful by the day and bring us joy that’s often bereft in our lives.

In our quest for artificial intelligence and everything artificial, let us keep some time aside for Almigthy’s other creatures. The bond which humans share with animals is very special. Let us always remain mindful of that. I am certain if humans had tails, it would be easier to communicate because we would then wag our tongues less and tails more. And imagine a fashion industry in support - just to make our tails more attractive. ???

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