Prayers, Profanity, and Purpose

*(Inspired by me almost getting a whooping for cussing on the phone with my daddy among other things.)

What do the 3 have in common? At first glance, not much, but take a moment to think about it. Finding our purpose can sometimes be our greatest challenge. Along that path, there will be times when your faith is tested and prayer is your connection or re-connection to the most high. Along that same path, there will be obstacles and distractions that will cause you to yell out in frustration and “fiddlesticks!” is NOT the word that comes to mind first. In both instances, our humanity and vulnerability are on display. At both times, whether kneeling or shaking your fist, The Most High sees, feels, and hears you.

I would love to tell you that I don’t say those words. I would love to tell you that when dark clouds come I always find my secret place and pray incessantly. I would love to tell you that the road to finding my purpose has been easy. However, honesty is integral in the delivery of this message. I don’t want to lie to you. The most impactful thing that I can do is be open and honest and hopefully that will help you be open and honest too. This path has been full of twists and turns. Delays and detours. Obstacles and outages. Nevertheless, I’ve landed well. Am I rich? By no means. Am I always happy? Not by a long shot. Do I always have the answer? Absolutely not. I do, undoubtedly, know my purpose. Whatever happens around me does not move me from that position of certainty. I know why I’m here.

What is my purpose? Why am I chosen? How can I get there? I want to help you find your why. When you know your why, the what and how become much clearer.

A few years ago, I can remember sitting in a pulpit and preparing to preach. I had sent over my biography as requested and the lady was rising to share it with the congregation. As she began to read off my accolades and accomplishments, I could tell the atmosphere changed. I saw the expressions on the faces of the people changes. Even I got uncomfortable. Midway through this page long narrative, I wanted to tell her to stop reading. Why you ask? Because people don’t understand the importance of where you are unless they have an inkling of where you’ve been. My how is directly linked to my why. My what is directly linked to my how. Everything I’ve experienced has been paramount in shaping who I am today.

I was a teen mother. I went to school so I could take of my child. I continued my education so that I could make more money and provide a better way of life. I was able to obtain my education and it opened doors personally and professionally. Now, I’m able to talk to other women who may think that they are unable to walk across that stage. I can show them that it’s possible. My what is not as impactful as how I made it happen. There were days when I prayed, not only in petition but in praise. There were also days when I “what the...” followed by colorful inner commentary was the first thing I said when I looked at my task list. I can list all that I’ve done but it hits different when I can tell you how and what I had to over come to get here.

I was in a bad marriage. It was short lived but it caused some deep rooted scars that took years to heal. There was infidelity, verbal, and emotional abuse to the point of my own breakdown. I was emotionally destitute and extremely angry that I had even fallen into such a terrible situation. I looked great on the outside but I was a wreck at the core. I was a beautiful disaster. It took years of laying on a green couch to finally get to me. It was even about getting back to me because my self discovery uncovered that I never really knew who I was before I took those vows. My therapy and support system helped me get to a place where I could make vows to myself and honor them. Now, I am able to speak to others about knowing who you are outside of your affiliations, associations, and relations. It took days and nights of crying out in angst to get here. It took tearful and honest sessions to express how messed up things were. It requires honest and intimate prayer to lead to restoration. Now, I don’t just look good but I feel better. My personal testimony is as important as the message of self love and self preservation itself. I had to learn to love me before I could love anyone else. I also had to know what I would accept and what I couldn’t bear. Where I’ve been and what I’ve experienced were the tools that shaped me into who I am today.

I’ve not always liked how I look. My flaws seemed to be so much larger than life. I was knock kneed. I wore glasses. My hair never seemed to be right. My butt was too big. My legs were too small. My eyes were not straight. At a young age, I had a list of things I wanted to fix if I ever got money. Now, I’ve not always been plus size. In high school, I was what these young people today consider fine. I, however, thought I was the worst thing walking. I dealt with several eating disorders for much of high school. I listened to the mean girls when that said I wasn’t pretty. I heard the boys and their late 90’s “smash or pass” list. I was always a pass. I was disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I prayed that the most high would fix what I saw wrong. I also angrily defended myself against those who criticized me. The truth is that my biggest critic was myself. It took me years but I had to find out what it was that I hated about myself. When I was able to discovered my shortcomings, I learned to work on me for me. Now, twenty years and many pounds later, I have embraced every curve and every wrinkle. I see every stretch mark and every scar. I’m not perfect but I love myself. I have flaws. I have grown up flaws. I’m still knock kneed. This natural hair still has a mind of its own. My behind still looks like it belongs on another person’s body. My eye still looks like it’s crooked on some pictures- especially the ones with no glasses. Even with all of these flaws, I love me. The love has less to do with what I may look like to you but what I look like to me. I’ve learned to appreciate who I am and I’m grateful for this melanin and magic that the creator gave me. I may not meet society’s standard of beauty. I may not even meet some cultural standards and measures. However, there is something about these full lips and wide hips that I love. I look like my people. I’m a mix of my mama and my daddy. I embrace who I’ve become. It’s taken time to get here. Now, you really can’t tell me nothing. I think I’m the hottest thing walking. I teach other women how to enhance their inner and outer beauty so they can feel that same pride about themselves. Long hair. Short hair. Slim or BBW. Love who you are where you are. If you decide to change, do it for you and not for anyone else. That’s my message but how I came to that revelation is what makes the difference.

So, what then is my purpose? What is it that Jasmine T. Agnew was created to do? My purpose is to educate. I was created to help shape the minds of people through sharing personal reflections and experiences. I can talk to people about what they are going though because I’ve been through it to. I’ve been broke. I’ve been broken. I had to learn how to survive and now I want to teach other women how to do the same. I can’t teach you how to be rich. I can’t teach you how to catch the perfect mate. I can educate you on self love and self preservation. I can educate you on how saying “No” to others is often better than a “yes” to them and to yourself. I can educate you on how you can love yourself into an even better you. Whether I’m in the pulpit or the powder room, I can share who and what I am to help you become who an what you need to be. That’s why I’m here. That’s what I was made for.

So, what is the relevance of the three P words? The profanity is not required but it happens. Along this road what we see, feel, and say may seem obscene. We are human. We are vulnerable. Sometimes you have to stand up to your obstacles and give them a good tongue lashing. Say it, but don’t stay there. Gather yourself and keep moving. Pray that those things don’t hinder your progress or get you off track. If they do, lean on a strong support system to help you get back up. Before long, if you keep forging, in the distance, you’ll see and find what you were made for. That, my friends, makes the journey worth while. Things may not be easy, but if you trust the most high and believe in yourself, you will land well.