prayers for our little todd-father.

It's been a rough few days for our little Todd. Although I continue to take protective measures and remain hyper-aware when he's "awake and mobile", his dementia continues to one-up me.

Last night, he peed on my bed. Well, then... that's a first. Pooping in the house... I've come to expect it. It just falls out of him as he walks (he's raw fed, so- thankfully- "no mark left behind"); but we haven't had a problem with peeing. He's taken out frequently (as I would a puppy); so, peeing inside is a rarity. This morning, he did it again. On my bed. My poor, sweet little man.... ugh.

Todd has two states now: asleep, and awake and wandering/pacing. If he's awake- I've got to keep a hawk's eye on him so he doesn't walk on any sleeping dogs, end up "stuck" in a corner, or around any stairwells (he can't really navigate them anymore without falling). And, again, even then- his dementia manages to give me the slip somehow.

A few minutes ago, I brought him upstairs with me so I could grab something. I set him down when we reached the top of the stairs, fully expecting him to follow me - as he usually does. He just stood there watching me; then, like in slow motion, I watched his weight shift forward.... ohhhh noooo... I started to rush over to him to try and catch him, but I was too late; and he ended up tumbling all the way down the stairs. While they are carpeted, it's still a full flight. Luckily, he wasn't hurt. It didn't even seem to faze him. He just got up and started wandering again. He also took a spill down the entry steps this morning when he was jumping around like a teenie-weenie bucking bronco at breakfast time. Again, didn't faze him.

My heart is breaking for him, and I find myself, once again, treading water in the "sea of the inevitable."

Oftentimes, we'll see varying changes in behavior from other pack members when one of the pack is ailing or at the end of their life's journey. At times, it can be more aggressive in nature. I've seen this a number of times. I saw it happen in Raiyna when Tucker was in his last moments (a dog she worshipped), I've seen it in client dogs, friends' dogs, and I'm seeing it with Levi and Todd now. While the behavior has been happening at random, it's always on the days where dementia is at its absolute worst (... so, I guess it's not so "random"). This behavior always leaves people scratching their heads, as we can't understand why "family" and "pack" members would "turn" on their "brothers and sisters" when they're in their weakest moments. Believe it or not, this is a very primal, animalistic behavior. Charles Darwin took note of this in his "survival of the fittest" theory. It's Nature's way of "taking care" of any animal that may draw attention, slow things down, or no longer contribute to the pack. Usually dying canines will isolate and remove themselves from the group to die alone in order to prevent this. In our packs, families, and homes, this isn't really an option. "Togetherness" is usually an every day thing. While dogs have long been domesticated, some will have stronger instincts than others; and we can't deny instinct. It's also not personal, but primal.

This is proving to be a most difficult season in my life, and I'm doing my absolute best to be there for my beloved pack members in their most difficult season, as well. My little family is falling apart. Things are changing... drastically, and I can't help but miss the way things used to be. The harmony. The joy. The connection, the cohesiveness. Most people have families. Bonds. Friendships. Emotional support systems. This is something I've never had, and something my dogs have always represented in a way. I've treasured their presence. Their teachings. Their ... "being there". I've always connected with animals on a deeper level, I think, because it's a much purer, more authentic form of connection. They don't care what labels we're wearing, what car we drive, how our hair looks, our flops and mis-takes, or what our title is. Only if we show up. If we're present with them, and show up in *our* purity and authenticity. It's easier to show up in our purity and authenticity with an animal. They have this magical way of bringing this out in us. If we don't and if we're not, we'll usually see it in their behavior. One of the most beautiful things about our animal relationships... especially with that of our dogs. Behavior is information.

At any rate, if you're the praying type and believe in loving support beyond us- please keep us all in your prayers... and please send all the love juju you can muster to our little Todd-father. He really needs it.