Practicing Self-Compassion
Carrie Wilkens
Co-Founder & Clinical Director, The Center for Motivation and Change, PLLC. Outpatient: NYC, Long Island, Washington DC & San Diego. Residential: Berkshires Co-Founder and President, CMC: Foundation for Change (501c3)
Have you ever said to yourself, “I shouldn’t be so mad about this,” “I should be able to handle this, and it’s pathetic that I can’t,” “I can’t handle feeling so lost,” or “I should be able to just get over this and move on?"
These statements may be all too familiar if you are someone who gets upset, scared, or angry when you have negative or painful feelings (i.e., when you suffer).
Unfortunately, when your harsh internal critic charges after you during times of vulnerability or suffering, it tends to amplify the pain associated with living life. And the increased pain can create an even stronger desire to avoid your pain and suffering altogether.
It’s not uncommon for people to turn to drugs, alcohol, food, spending, sex, isolation, and a variety of other strategies in an attempt to get away from emotional or physical pain. However, the reality is that these strategies bring problems of their own (physical dependency, poor health, debt, loneliness, etc.), often leading to a spiral of suffering that can seem never-ending.
Suffering is an aspect of life experienced by all humans.
When you embrace this concept, you can start to find some self-compassion instead of judgment or criticism (something you don’t really need when you are suffering!). Self-compassion involves noticing your suffering (e.g., becoming aware of shame, sadness, stress, anger, etc.) and practicing being kind to yourself during these painful moments.
By practicing self-compassion during suffering, you can learn to stay with these feelings and care for yourself instead of potentially causing yourself even more suffering. Practicing kindness toward oneself is an important element of self-care. It helps give you the ‘oxygen’ you need to manage difficult situations and deal with life's pains in a healthier manner.
The following exercises are borrowed from the work of one of the leading researchers on the benefits of self-compassion, psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff . As you engage in these exercises, notice any judgments that may arise (e.g., “What’s the point of this?” “This is not going to work”, “This is silly”, etc.).?As with any other new skill we try for the first time, practicing self-compassion may initially feel strange.?With practice, however, these exercises will begin to feel more natural.
Hang in there and practice despite the initial awkwardness because your effort will likely be rewarded. Research demonstrates that self-compassion is associated with higher levels of well-being—and the more you practice, the better. Begin incorporating these skills into your daily life so that you feel more fully prepared to practice them when you are in the midst of a difficult situation.
Self-Compassion Through Words Mantra: Create and memorize 3 statements that reflect an attitude of self-compassion. ?Practice reciting these thoughts during difficult moments.??
Sample Mantra: I’m having a really hard time right now. This is part of being human. May I be kind to myself at this moment.
Work to recognize the presence of suffering. Choose one of the following or create your own: This is a moment of suffering. I’m having a really hard time right now. It’s painful for me to feel this now.
Remind yourself that we all face painful experiences. Choose one of the following or create your own: Suffering is a part of life. Everyone feels this way sometimes. This is part of being human.
Express intention of kindness toward yourself. Choose one of the following or create your own: May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I hold my pain with tenderness. May I be gentle and understanding with myself.
Dr. Neff has generously put up various self-compassion strategies on her website, and her research shows how much it can improve your self-esteem, self-care, and overall well-being. You can see her work at the following links:
Carrie Wilkens, PhD
CO-FOUNDER AND CLINICAL DIRECTOR, Center for Motivation & Change
Additional Specialization: Certified in Prolonged Exposure (PE), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, Unified Protocol for Transdiagnostic Treatment of Emotional Disorders (UP) Developer and Trainer: Invitation to Change Approach
Carrie Wilkens, Ph.D., is the Co-Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Motivation and Change a group of clinicians in NYC, Long Island, Washington, DC, and San Diego, CA who specialize in the treatment of substance use/compulsive behavior disorders and trauma using a variety of evidence-based treatments. She co-founded CMC: Berkshires, a private, inpatient/residential program employing the same treatment approaches in Massachusetts. She co-authored an award-winning book, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, —a practical guide for families dealing with substance problems in a loved one, and The Beyond Addiction Workbook for Family and Friends: Evidence-Based Skills to Help a Loved-One Make Positive Change. She is also President of the CMC: Foundation for Change, a not-for-profit with the mission of improving the dissemination of evidence-based ideas and strategies to professionals and loved ones of persons struggling with substance use. Dr. Wilkens has been a Project Director on a large federally-funded Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) grant addressing the problems associated with binge drinking among college students. She is regularly sought out by the media to discuss issues related to substance use disorders and has been on the CBS Morning Show, Katie Couric Show, and Fox News and frequent NPR segments. She is also in the HBO documentary Risky Drinking.