Practicing Restraint

We often discuss the benefits of being biased toward action in leadership, but as with any principle, we must also consider the contrast. It’s about taking steps forward and knowing when to hold back.

The power of restraint in a professional setting, regardless of role, title, or level, is rarely discussed on the other side of action.

Managing the dichotomies and recognizing that we can hold contradictions in tension allows us to operate more effectively within inherent complexities.

Taking action and practicing restraint are particularly important as they relate to how we show up and model behavior. The balance is delicate, and it’s not always easy to do in the moment, especially when emotions become involved.

Whether responding to a frustrating situation, making a hard decision, handling conflict, deciding how to manage delegated responsibilities, or countless other dynamics, restraint requires self-awareness and intentionality.

Practicing restraint can help build trust, improve decision-making, and create an empowering culture and team environment.

Here are areas to focus on that I’ve found to be the most prevalent situations where restraint is not only helpful but essential:

Manage Emotional Responses

This is the first topic that comes to mind when reflecting on situations where restraint is critical. The most practical example is when someone sends a frustrating email, and we instantly put our hands on the keyboard to reply. The key learning is just don’t. Stop. Even with a hint of frustration, walk away.

Consider that the right thing to do is not what impulse encourages. Ask yourself, “What assumptions am I making that may distort or amplify the reality of the situation?” The ego is inevitably in the driver’s seat when emotions set in.

No matter the circumstance, whether it’s an email or real-time exchange, never once will positive outcomes come from an emotional response, be it anger/frustration, guilt/shame, or any other combination. Responding while in emotion is a failure of leadership every single time, no matter how it’s spun.

Take responsibility for yourself, learn to step back, detach from the situation, and respond when you’ve re-centered on your values and principles.

Listen More, Speak Less

There’s a common misconception that speaking or delivering information effectively demonstrates competence as a leader rather than asking questions.

In reality, consistently speaking as a leader is counterproductive. Our role is to empower a team with the responsibility to align on, commit to, and achieve a common objective while providing guidance and feedback. Speaking non-stop doesn’t get us there, but questions can .

We often default to speaking what we know, and there’s a time and place for that. However, the value in these situations is usually derived from practicing restraint and learning to be a better listener. Doing this well will make those around us feel seen, heard, and supported.

In your next meeting, when you feel the urge to respond with your opinion when a topic is being discussed, challenge yourself to ask a question instead. You’ll be amazed at the depth of information you acquire to make decisions.

Be Thoughtful in Decision-Making

Being decisive as a leader is an important quality and skill to develop. We must also realize that it is possible to make quick decisions when appropriate while pausing and strategically considering alternatives.

For starters, it’s essential to break this down and understand that there are different decision types. Type 1 decisions are irreversible, requiring a slower, more deliberate, and systematic approach. Type 2 decisions are reversible, allowing quicker decisions to experiment, test, and iterate.

Regardless, even when making a Type 2 decision, while speed should be prioritized, we can benefit from restraint to pause, seek input from others, and reflect on our options. This could be two hours, 24 hours, or a week—it’s all relative to the context of the situation.

The key is to ensure we have some level of discernment before taking action.

Delegating Effectively

Learning to delegate effectively is one of the most challenging skills, especially for someone transitioning from an individual contributor to a management role.

The complexity lies in the dichotomy between ownership and delegation . When issues occur, it’s easy to slip into a pattern of taking control of the situation. Not only does that degrade trust (micromanagement), but it also inhibits results by drastically slowing things down.

Again, our job is to empower teams around a common objective. This means trusting our team to do the work, including making mistakes. One of the most significant failures in leadership is not allowing this to happen.

Yes, the easiest route is to fix and take care of it. But then nobody learns. We must practice restraint to avoid stifling the growth and creativity of the very people we’ve chosen to perform the role and function we hired them for.

Reflect on Feedback

Giving and receiving feedback is one of the most daunting skills for developing as a leader, yet it is also one of the most powerful.

It’s hard because it’s uncomfortable—avoidance and withholding are common tendencies we often encounter when approaching a tough conversation. However, it’s powerful because it enables us to learn when we’re on the receiving end.

Direct conversations require significant intentionality. Factoring in our egos when we receive hard feedback highlights the need to be mindful of how we respond.

This is where practical concepts come into play so we can take full advantage of feedback and see it as a gift. In this case, we can use gratitude as a counterbalance to avoid becoming defensive when something is communicated that is not easy to sit with.

Responding defensively to feedback will close the door to open communication. Taking that brief pause allows us to shift to gratitude and set our ego aside—it’s as simple as saying, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Practicing restraint looks different in every situation—it could be a deep breath in a tense meeting or 24 hours to consider our options when making a tough decision. Context is incredibly important.

Regardless, we must be mindful of when to take action and when to pause and think. The core thread in these dynamics is the essence of leading by example—modeling behaviors such that the team learns through observation.

Remember, restraint isn’t about inaction—it’s the precursor to action that allows us to make thoughtful, deliberate choices, leading to better outcomes for ourselves, our team or clients, and others surrounding us.

Embrace this dichotomy; it will transform how you behave when others watch and pay close attention to your decisions, actions, and behaviors.

“Be tolerant of others and strict with yourself.” - Marcus Aurelius

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