Practicing Mindfulness in Relationships--Words and Beyond

Practising Mindfulness in Relationships - Words and Beyond

“It’s not what you say, but how you say it!”? - Mae West

These are words to swear by when it comes to relationships.?

You could say the sweetest thing in the harshest of tones but, what will be remembered is how it made your partner feel.?

Today, let us learn how to practise mindfulness by understanding how we can use; tone of voice and body language to strengthen our relationships.?

A shift in perspective to know that words said only make up for a very small percentage of how we communicate.?

Gottman in his book, 'The Relationship Cure' stresses that tone of voice accounts for 38% of the meaning of a message that is communicated in a relationship while body language accounts for 55% and get this, the actual words uttered, just 7%!?

Tone of Voice:?

To understand what tone of voice means, let us take this example:?

I want to compliment my partner so I proceed to say "That's so sweet of you to think of me!"

Scenario 1 is where my tone is almost satirical as if I am faking the emotion of gratefulness and implying my partner hardly thinks of me.?

Scenario 2 is where my tone is warm and sweet. I maintain a steady pitch and add a smile and a hug to convey my feelings of gratitude.?

See the difference??

The words were the same but, how they were conveyed made a world of difference.

The tone of voice can be demeaning, satirical, disrespectful, positive, sweet, encouraging, happy, hopeful essentially, conveying a myriad of emotions that can get lost when you take just the literal sense of the words exchanged.?

So how do we practise mindfulness using tone of voice??

Start with recognising the emotion behind your words. Every time you communicate, take a moment to reflect if the tone of your voice was influenced by the emotion you were experiencing at that moment. Emotions, especially negative ones carry the potential to derail an otherwise healthy conversation.?

Use words wisely. At this point, I want to share this beautiful quote by Mother Teresa.

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless."

Let us take an example to understand this better.?

Dinner is in the fridge.

?A simple harmless statement right??

Partner 1 returns home after a long day of work. Partner 2? says, “I am off to bed, dinner is in the fridge.”

The emotion Partner 2 is experiencing is frustration that Partner 1 came home very late. Assumes that work is more important and therefore, despises the fact that on that particular day, the choice of working late was made somehow, disrespecting Partner 2’s need for attention

Words used are cold just like the dinner!?

Now let's flip the script.?

Partner 1 returns home after a long day of work. Partner 2 says "Honey! I have an early day tomorrow and I am off to bed. If you don't mind, can you please reheat the dinner that's in the fridge? Hope you enjoy it!"

The emotion Partner 2 expresses is concern and understanding that there will be times when work takes priority. The tone of voice is sweet and the words are warm here.

All this elaborate explanation is to make a simple point. Mindfulness through tone of voice can be practised by identifying what is the emotion that is producing the words.

Body language:?

An aspect that contributes majorly to how a message is conveyed and received among couples, friends, colleagues etc., is understanding body language. It is, therefore, crucial in building positive, healthy relationships.?

Just as words support the language of the mind, the language of the body is conveyed through non-verbal cues. Facial expressions, eye contact, touch, posture, space, use of hands and feet and gestures are all part of body language.?

Most of us are unaware of how these non-verbal cues play out during a conversation because we are not mindful of what our body is doing. Similarly, we don't pay attention to what our partner’s body language is saying to us. Practising mindfulness should start with drawing our attention to these cues that seem to get lost but, play a big role in communication.

For example, if you don't maintain eye contact during a conversation, you may come across as being cold and indifferent. Leaning into the conversation means using your body to let the other person know you are interested and invested in the conversation you are having. Conversely, standing afar which a lot of couples are guilty of doing is a sign of disrespect.?You could be in a separate room thinking you are talking to your partner unknowingly sending a signal that the conversation is not worth having your presence in the room.?

A smile is a sign of reassurance especially during a conversation when you are showing empathy to your partner. Similarly, nodding your head shows that you are keenly listening to the conversation and are interested. Crossing your legs and arms says, you are not being open, that you are putting up your guard and the other person is not welcomed into the conversation.?

Body language is big when it comes to determining the success of a relationship. Hence starting to? pay more attention to what your body language says about you and how you can use this knowledge to interpret what your partner is trying to convey.?

Conclusion:?

As you can see, what we say in our relationships is a very small component of the meaning of the message that is being communicated. Understanding how the tone of voice and body language can be used as effective tools to practise mindfulness is important in protecting the relationships that we hold so close to our hearts.?

Here is a quick checklist to help you adopt the habit of mindfulness:?

?Assess the emotions you are experiencing?

?Understand the emotional quality of your words

?Reflect on the tone of voice that is used as a result

?Read each other’s body language to support/change the message?