Practicing kindness? Warning! Especially if you are racialized or a minority group.

“I've noticed that when you are too friendly, too kind and too sociable, people start to show you a lack of respect.”

So Chiara, one of my mentees, started telling her story during one of our Professional Mentoring sessions. And how can you blame her?

Sometimes kindness can be interpreted as weakness or naiveté. Many people associate being friendly and sociable with a lack of assertiveness, and this can lead some to underestimate those who are especially nice. If you have always been nice, always doing things for others, they will continue to demand it and, they will think they can take advantage of you on command, walking over your shoes as if you were not even there at the time.

If you are then a racialized person or a member of some kind of minority, the problem multiplies. Kindness can be interpreted through prejudicial social filters, bringing with it complex dynamics that not everyone faces.

With Chiara, despite the fact that she approached me about another issue, I could not help but work on this aspect that I think is really fundamental. Just because you are pretty or because you show affection and emotional openness does not mean you have to tolerate these attitudes.

Treating others the way you would like to be treated is a lot of hogwash at these points and for certain types of people. Of course, being able to be kind without allowing yourself to be exploited is complex, but it is an act of strength and integrity, especially for those who are part of a minority. Being aware of the unique challenges and contexts in which one operates can make one's kindness even more meaningful and authentic. But practicing kindness in a balanced and mindful way can help you be respected without giving up on yourself. Being kind is a valuable quality, but like any quality, it must be followed by self-esteem and the ability to manage boundaries.

Chiara and I reflected together and decided to work deeply on some strategies on reacting in a social context often influenced by stereotypes, without giving up her authenticity:

????????????????????????????????????????

1. Awareness of implicit biases: It is important to remember that many people interpret others' behavior through unconscious stereotypes. Kindness, if shown by a racialized person, might be perceived in stereotypical or condescending ways. Being aware of these biases can help in deciding when and how to express kindness, especially in contexts where respect is critical to establishing a basis for interaction.

?

2. Define your “tone” of kindness: be assertive, never aggressive. Assertiveness allows you to express what you think and feel firmly but without aggression. When someone exaggerates or behaves disrespectfully, express it calmly but clearly. Minority people may feel compelled to be overly polite to avoid being labeled “aggressive” or “difficult.” However, it is helpful to strike a balance between one's natural way of being kind and the need to assert one's rights and boundaries. Defining one's kindness firmly but openly is an important key: kindness and assertiveness can coexist.

?

3. Establish and reinforce your boundaries: being kind does not mean always being helpful or doing everything others ask. Learning to say “no” and set boundaries will allow you to be respected. Boundaries are not a sign of coldness or detachment, but of self-care. Show others that your kindness is not weakness but a conscious choice. When, then, one belongs to a minority, it is easy for kindness to be misunderstood as “unlimited helpfulness” or a kind of “subordination.” Establishing clear boundaries (and maintaining them consistently) is essential to prevent others from seeing in your kindness a sign of willingness to be patronized or exploited.

?

4. Kindness as a strategic choice and being selective in giving your availability. Not everyone deserves your time and energy. Being kind does not mean being kind to everyone and at all times. Try to build relationships with people who appreciate and respect your sociable nature, and who do not see you as someone to take advantage of. Kindness can be an act of resilience and strength, but only when used with awareness. In some contexts, it can be a strategy for creating common ground, overcoming cultural barriers, or establishing trust; in others, it may not be the best option. Consider whether politeness really helps you in a specific situation or whether it would be more effective to simply show yourself as professional and reserved.

?

5. Don't apologize for your authenticity and avoid excessive self-justification. Sometimes those who are kind tend to over-explain themselves, almost as if they have to justify every action for fear of displeasing or seeming pushy. Avoiding excessive self-justification shows greater confidence and prevents others from getting used to “questioning” every choice. Expressing kindness should never mean having to “conform” to others' expectations, especially when those expectations are laden with stereotypes. Be authentic in your kindness and do not feel obligated to change in order to gain others' approval is crucial to remaining true to yourself. Never apologize for being who you are.

?

6. Show firmness in your values and defend your dignity without sacrificing authenticity. Kindness should never be a compromise with your values. If something goes against what you believe in, stand your ground even if it might seem less “friendly.” People who respect you will appreciate your integrity; those who tend to take advantage, on the other hand, will have more difficulty. Nor should kindness ever be a surrender of dignity or a passive acceptance of disrespectful attitudes. Every kind act can be an affirmation of who you are and the values you believe in.

?

7. Remain authentic and use kindness to create positive change: do not let distrust or others' attitudes lead you to change. Kindness is a valuable quality, and the world needs more kind people. Learning to handle it assertively will help you create healthy relationships and push back those who try to take advantage of you. Although it can be difficult, kindness can become a way to challenge prejudice and break social expectations. Showing kindness with strength and pride can help create new narratives and change the perception of minorities within society, demonstrating that you can be respectful without giving in to disrespect.

?

8. Distinguish kindness and complacency: being kind does not mean always agreeing or trying to do what others like. If you feel you are giving in too much just to please, stop and ask yourself if that is really what you want. Being nice is a choice, but it should never be at the expense of yourself.

?

9. Show self-esteem in your kind gestures: If you are confident and proud of your kindness, others will begin to perceive it as your strength and not as a weakness. Those who are confident and show kindness without fear do not seem “manipulable.” It is a subtle but effective aspect to make it clear that your friendliness is not a lack of character.

?

10. Learn to observe and evaluate others' intentions: for minority people, developing the ability to “read” the intentions behind others' actions can be very useful. This can help you modulate your politeness according to who you are facing and the context, and identify situations where it may be helpful to maintain a more detached behavior.

?

11. Surround yourself with allies and supporters: having people around you who understand and respect the way you are can make a big difference. Whenever possible, seek out environments and people who value your individuality and kindness without interpreting it as submissiveness or weakness.

?????????? ???????????????????? | ???????????????? ?????????????????? | ???????????? ???????????? | ?????????????????? ?????????????? | https://linktr.ee/metissagesanguemisto

Author of ??????"?????????????? ??’????????????????? ?????????????????? - ?????? ?????????? ?????? ???????????????? ?????????????????????? ?????????? ?????????????? ?????????????? ?? ????????????????????"