Practicing Detachment for a Happier Life

Unfortunately detachment (letting go) is not a natural characteristic of any of us. From the time we were kids when we were taught to hang on to what we had and let no one take anything from us. We were also taught that the more we acquire the happier we are. As adults we know that’s not necessarily the case.

Because of the fact that letting go is not natural occurrence for me or for anybody I know, I’m going to use this piece to better position the knowledge of detachment.

For any type of sales professional (or any of us in general), detachment is a difficult attitude to adopt. We get attached to whether people approve of us or not. We get attached to whether we get an appointment from a prospect. We get attached to whether the prospect will buy from us. We get attached to whether we hit our financial goals or not for the month, quarter and year.

What I want people to learn is a deeper understanding of the concept of detachment, not so you can be a machine-like and have no anxiety, but rather to see deeper into the essence of what (who) your true self really is.

The fact is when you’re attached, meaning, you derive self esteem from someone else’s response, you will end up doing whatever it takes to get the outcome that your ego says is right for you - when the reality of the situation could call for something different.

This from Dan Millman: “Once you learn to accept yourself, life gets easier. The practice of surrender becomes deeper and more profound until you can brace the rain clouds as you would the pleasures of a sunny day.”

Relinquishing attachments does not mean giving away one’s house or earthly goods (or caving on price in the sales process). It is a willingness to embrace whatever happens.

In my business, I am very clear in always telling the prospect up front some variation of ‘it’s OK if you don’t buy from me’ or ‘it’s OK if you say no’. That portrays detachment. When you decide to approach a prospect from that position, it appears you’re giving away control and power, but in actuality you are surrendering to outcomes which puts you in a higher state of control, not only of the process but primarily of your own emotions and destiny.

The process acts as a filter in which you engage people, and from which you cut people. It is the process you create to help you detach from any outcome. If you can create enough people in enough processes then you really and truly will not care about the outcome of any one because you have enough people engaged in the activity to make your numbers.

As a result, qualification becomes a much more rigid process. You are truly qualifying the prospect at every step to make sure they still fit your profile of a prospect. And if they don’t, you’re able to detach them from the process.

You are detached not because you don’t care, but because you only want to help the people where they’re willing to engage in your rules.

The fact is that when you are doing all the right things up front in the sales process, the prospect is less likely to let you go because of any minor thing. Through your ability to detach from the outcome, the prospect sees your convictions, senses you know what you’re doing, and might change their rules accordingly.

There’s yet another intricate paradigm around detachment. Selling is about consolidation of power. You never ever want to have power over people – yet you do want to have power over the process and more importantly over yourself. If you feel out of power and out of control, you will be inclined to do things that aren’t in your or the process or the prospect best interest.

In most traditional approaches the prospect knows the one thing you don’t want to hear is ‘no’. That, in turn, gives them power in the relationship because they know you will do everything you can to avoid hearing ‘no’. So at best the prospect may ask you to quote several times, may ask you to do a lot of expertise sharing and not really want to compensate you for it. They put you through the ringer, make you jump through hoops, etc. because they know that you’re avoiding the ‘no’.

Once you tell the prospect that you are totally okay with a ‘no’ or a non-sale, you’ve taken away the power that they have in the relationship.

But I want to remind you, you’re not trying to manage people or control people, only the process. People who want to engage in the process, fine, I want them to. But I will not be held hostage to a prospect’s process if it’s in conflict with mine.

Deepak Chopra in his book, Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, highlights this point wonderfully. Law number six is the Law of Detachment. He says,

“In order to acquire anything in the physical universe -- you must relinquish your attachment to it. It does not mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You don’t give up the intention. You give up your attachment to the results. Attachment is based on fear and insecurity. And the need for security is based on not knowing the true self. Attachment comes from a poverty consciousness because attachment is always two symbols. Detachment is synonymous with prosperity consciousness because with detachment there is freedom to create.”

Henry David Thoreau said, “Most men live lives of quiet desperation,” which is a metaphor for desperate for the symbols of attachment. Chopra even takes it a few steps further saying that, “Attachment is really to something that is to the known. And since we never know what happens in the future, we must have a certain sense of OKness with uncertainty about the future.”

I know this is a stretch for some of you, but stay with me. When you are detached from the outcome in the sales process, you will instinctively, inherently and effectively know what to say, how to say it, when to say it. Because you will be acting from your intuition rather than from your ego.

Some Great Words and Phrases to Say

When you’re detached you can say the following things:

• I’m not sure if I can help you.
• Doesn’t sound like you really need me. Sounds like you have everything under control.
• If you have such a good relationship with your current employer, why would you be looking for change?

I’m not recommending you say these things or say them all at once, I’m only suggesting that you cannot say these if you’re attached to a ‘yes’ answer at the end of the sale.

Detachment Means Strength

Detachment results in a form of strength, which one cannot muster without it. The strength is gives to you actually attracts people to you at a psychological level. When you come from a place of strength (detachment) more and more prospects see you as something (or someone) they need. More and more clients want to do more business with you. More and more sales processes go your way.

Detachment, again, does not mean ‘uncaring’. It does not mean you do not want to make quota. It means you are OK either way. You have an ultimate belief in Universal Abundance and any lack of shortcoming you experience is only very temporary.

When you can detach, you will be able to take the RIGHT ACTION needed to make the sale and help the prospect solve his problem.

Conclusion

A good exercise and one I recently recommended to one of my team members, is to look back in the last 24 hours to the people you spoke with about selling, marketing, client service, etc. and determine to which five of those processes did you find yourself being attached. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it because you’re so emotionally involved in the process, but as you step back you can often see how you acted and the behaviours you exhibited in front of your prospect or client were impacted by your level of attachment to a particular outcome.

Once you become truly detached, risks are much easier to take, questions are much easier to ask; prospects are much easier to qualify and income will flow easier to you. 

I hope you enjoyed my ideas around this concept. It is something I utilise always in my own business and day to day dealings with people.

Until next time.....

Nicola