Practice E.S.P. to Enhance Effective Communication

In early 2000 I worked as the Project Manager and instructor for a 10-week interrogation certification program. I, along with a handful of other former interrogators and intelligence officers, trained government agency personnel in military interrogation tactics.?(As a side note, the word 'interrogation' seems to conjure up negative images and perceptions. An interrogation is nothing more than a conversation; a very well-planned and calculated conversation with extremely high stakes!)?That job was fun but also very demanding and stressful; it was not a 9-to-5 job.?

We had a class of 30 students 'on deck.' We were about midway through the 10 weeks when management decided to sell another course. That meant we had a new class of 30 students coming in. We didn't have the staff to accommodate two classes at the same time, but we had no choice either. I am not going to lie; I was not happy. I was exhausted and stressed.

After the first group of 30 students graduated, we sat with each one for a debrief. One student, in particular, had the courage to give?me?feedback in our debrief. What she told me had such an impact on my life that I wrote about her in my first book, "You're Lying; Secrets From a Military Interrogator to Spot the Lies and Get to the Truth." Here's what she said,?"I get your personality because you are similar to me, so I didn't take your direct communication style personally. But other people did, and they thought you were insensitive and demanding."?

Upon hearing this, I felt two emotions: First, thankful that she told me; second, hurt. In my mind, I did everything I could to ensure those students were trained to perfection. But I could have been nicer; I could have been more empathetic, and I wasn't. I let stress effect how I came across to them.

I beat myself up afterward with self-sabotaging thoughts. I doubted my credibility and expertise and my ability to instruct. So I decided to fix?me. I did a deep dive into learning more about myself. This exploration uncovered a treasure. I found out what happens to me when I become stressed: I make decisions fast, based on logic and analysis; I communicate directly and concisely and leave out the small talk; I want to be heard and not necessarily listen.?

Over the years I have learned techniques on how to better communicate when I'm stressed so that I am always empathetic, understanding, and calm -?this was a learning journey for me!?In the words of Stephen Covey, I sought to understand others first, then to be understood. And what a world of difference it made. Now, I teach others how to use the power of self-awareness to perfect human-to-human interactions. My technique is called?E.S.P.?and it stands for Embrace Self Discovery, Seek Knowledge, and Practice Empathy. Here is how you can use E.S.P. to help you enhance your communication skills.?

E: Embrace Self Discovery

When we become more self-aware we become aware of how we come across to others both verbally and nonverbally. We know how we sound - the words we use, the tone, pitch, and loudness of our voice. We know how we look - our facial expressions, body gestures, and movements. We understand our personality traits such as how we prefer to make decisions, organize things, and communicate. When understand how we handle change.?

Our personality traits affect how we communicate with others during different situations. My advice is to take multiple personality assessments to discover your preferred traits because our inherent preferences could make or break trusting relationships.?

When I discovered my personality traits, I understood why I sounded "insensitive and demanding" back then. And now I am able to change that!

S: Seek Knowledge

When something doesn't make sense to us, maybe it was someone's behavior or perhaps it was a comment to a post you made here on LinkedIn, we want to understand?the why?behind the behavior and comment. If we cannot have a conversation with the person who exhibited the behavior or who wrote the comment, we may fill in the 'why'?with a guess or an entire story.?

The reason why humans tend to do this is because the brain wants information so things make sense! The problem, as you can imagine, is that our story is not always right. For example, let's say you text someone and it takes them two hours to reply when you believe they should have replied within 15 minutes. If the person you texted doesn't tell you WHY it took them two hours, what do you do? If you are me, you may tell them why! Kidding. But a few of you reading this thought, yep, that is exactly what I do. Don't worry, here is what you can do going forward: Seek knowledge.?

Quiet your thoughts and tell yourself you are not a fortune teller. You cannot read minds or predict the future. So wait until you can have conversation with that person then ask them good WHY questions.?

• Why did you write that?
• Why were you not able to respond sooner?
• Why did you behave that way??(you can state the behavior, but it must be observed by you and you must remain objective)

Interrogative questions will get you good information that will fill in the gaps so the strange behavior is not so strange anymore.?

P: Practice Empathy

Finally, when we can actively and sincerely try to put ourselves in another person's shoes, see things from their perspective, and listen to them without judging them or feeling defensive, we are practicing empathy. Empathy is the ability to be open to hearing another side to the story and excepting it. It is also about speaking up and persuading others to want to understand our point of view as well. When we can show honest interest in others, we can create a comfortable environment and encourage others to trust us.?

When I get challenged by being in a stressful situation, or when I witness a behavior that doesn't make sense to me, I immediately think E.S.P. and I run through what I have to do to right myself! Questions I ask myself are;

1. How did I come across? (Embrace Self Discovery)
2. Do I have the information I need? (Seek Knowledge)
3. Am I being empathetic? (Practicing Empathy)

I hope E.S.P. helps you enhance the effectiveness of your communication!

If you want to dive deeper into any of these areas, or learn elite interviewing, elicitation, and negotation techniques, I offer online training programs and 1:1 mentor programs. I would be happy to get on a connect call you with anytime.