A Practical Guide to Supporting the Bereaved

I recently lost a loved one, and several close friends are also grieving (2021 has been real rough). This led me to think about this topic and try and find out how we are all coping and what we can do to support friends who are bereaved. I thought of putting together some sort of guide that people can refer to in case they have to support a grieving friend or colleague in future.

This is based on my own experiences, as well as a series of interviews with friends, and responses to a number of social media posts I put up to get feedback on the matter. It is in no way comprehensive, and one should feel free to adapt it to your unique situation, but the feedback I got falls into the following general buckets:

Presence

• Be there — Your presence is crucial to reassure and comfort the bereaved. They need to see you physically there; don't be there ‘in spirit’, show up. Even with social distancing protocols in place, you can protect yourself and others as you visit physically
• Be useful — Especially if the bereaved is a friend, you are not a spectator. Do something practical while you are there; help with the arrangements or with the logistics. There is a lot of activity around the family at this time, be part of the machine, don't just sit there.
• Be consistent — As much as you practically can, try to make your presence regular. It's comforting to see the same faces around you as you grieve, be one of those familiar faces for your grieving friend.
• Don't disappear after the burial — Pre burial there is a lot of activity, but as soon as you bury, the home goes eerily quiet. This is the most vulnerable time for the bereaved since the full impact of loss is felt. Help reduce the impact by visiting them even after the burial. You don't have to move in, just visit periodically and regularly.
• Consider the needs living over the deceased — Your primary objective is to support those left behind to cope with the loss and adjust to life without their loved one. Cultural and societal practices may impose certain ways of handling the funeral and related activities, which are sometimes insensitive to the grief of the family left behind. Above all else, we need to take care of the grieving.

Words (or the lack thereof)

• Silence is ok, necessary even — Often, in an attempt to deal with our own awkwardness with the situation, we try to say something encouraging, but inadvertently end up hurting the bereaved even more.?Don't be a sage, telling people ‘It is/will be well’ and ‘God is in control’ might not be helpful. You mean well, but that's not always what needs to be said if anything needs to be said at all. Learn to be comfortable with silence in such moments.
• Be encouraging — On the other hand, sometimes, it is appropriate and even necessary to say something that gives encouragement. In this case, point them back to the Father, try not to make it about you and how awkward you feel. Remember, this is not about you, its about providing support to a grieving friend. Provide scripture about Gods presence, but be sensitive to the kind of emotions that may trigger
• Take your cue from them — Don't jump in and start blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Take your cue from them, they may want you to just be there and listen, they may have questions and need some reassurance, be prepared for any eventuality; remember you are there to comfort them.

Motion

• Do something practical — Your friend's regular life will be severely disrupted during this time. Take up the slack and do stuff for them. Run errands, take the kids out, help pay the bills, prepare meals (pick a day to prepare and bring the family a meal) wash dishes, etc, the list is endless. Be practical and creative about how you can plug the gaps.
• Take walks with them — Where possible, pull them out of the chaos of the preparations and have a long walk with them. Take the time to provide a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a sounding board for all the emotions. This could help them decompress and process the loss.
• Take initiative - Often, people put the burden on the bereaved to guide them on how they need to be supported. Sometimes you need to be proactive and provide them with a list of things you want to do for them and ask them to pick. Don't be that lazy, hands-off friend whose "door is always open" but never really provides any meaningful support.

Provision

• Give — The financial burden on the family will be immense at this time. In some cases, there is a huge medical bill to pay, in addition to the costs of the burial, not to mention the cost of hosting numerous delegations at the different homes in the family. You cannot give too much. Mobilize your friends and give as much financial support as you can, no amount is too little. And please keep the money flowing long after the burial as well to replenish the drained family coffers
• Give in-kind — You may be able to offset some of the family's costs by taking up some of the costs that the family will incur. Are you a graphic designer? Design the programs. Are you a baker? Provide some of the (mountain of) bread that is needed for the meetings. Think about how you can provide practical support to the process.

This is the general outlook on the matter. It's not all you can do, but hopefully, it provides a framework you can work with so you don't show up completely unprepared to support your friend at their time of need. If you have anything else you think can be added, please feel to reach out to me directly, or add this to the comments under this article.

Does this work for you?