Powerful Conversations

WARNING! True story. I was studying 'Assertiveness' at a time when I had an unpleasant boss. I decided it was time to assert my 'rights' as they teach in Ken and Kate Back's book, "Assertiveness at Work."

I got fired...

Clearly a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. This article was originally going to be called, "Difficult Conversations," because we've been exploring what permissions we give to ourselves and others. The idea was that we've all got some conversations ahead of us to renegotiate some of the explicit or implicit permissions we've been giving ourselves and others. These are the kind of conversation there's a natural resistance to having. After all, what could go wrong? "I could get fired!" "My relationship could end!" "I could make a fool of myself!"

Get a Dog

The best solution to all this is to get a dog. They don't talk and they show unconditional love. The second-best solution is to learn to talk to humans.

Many of us have had to have the 'personal hygiene' conversation with a colleague or relative who smells bad. This article is about having Powerful Conversations that may be about emotional hygiene, or may be positive, seeking to build deeper intimacy with those we care about.

A Strategy for Powerful Conversations

Time and Space

"There is a time for every activity under the Sun... a time to speak and a time to be silent."

Before we launch into the strategy, let's think about a time and a place.

Timing is everything. If you email on a Friday afternoon or a Saturday, your email won't go to the top of the pile for Monday morning, it will be 'lost' in the flood of other emails in my inbox. Friday afternoon and Saturday are poor strategic decisions when it comes to communicating with me via email. I'm sure you've got preferred times and ways to be communicated with. Social Media is similar - there are optimal times to post your content.

First up then, plan the time and the place. There is a place for every activity under the Sun. Sometimes the straightforward questions, "When is the best time for me to have this conversation, and where is the best place?" are enough to activate your intentional intelligence!

If you know the person well enough, you'll also have a good idea about their 'best times' of the day, week, month. Our emotional states are linked to our body clock and paycheque... I'm sure you've met people who say, "I'm not a morning person!" If the conversation is around the thorny topic of money, having a chat just after they've been paid will work wonders contrasted with discussing finances when the money's run out before the next payday.

Ownership, Outcome, Understand

Here's the flow of my proposed strategy...

Begin with taking ownership of your perspective. This is about YOU as well as about them. Owning up to your feelings is far more powerful than projecting them onto the other person who is 'making you feel' a certain way. We know that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, so don't blame them for the way you feel.

Own your emotions!

Clearly claiming ownership of your perspective makes it obvious that this is simply your perspective based on your current understanding of the situation or opportunity.

Be intentional - outcome-focused - beginning also with the end in mind, as Stephen R Covey asserts! What's the 'win' for them, and what's the 'win' that you desire. Commit to the position that there will be no deal (as far as you are concerned) unless both win.

Begin with the End in Mind

Win-Win or No Deal

This is about YOU but it is also about THEM - so the third strand is to:

Seek First to Understand

(and only then to be understood)

When Things Get Messy

Emotions can suck us into an unresourceful state where we can say things we can never take back. Having a clear win-win outcome, owning your emotions and your perspective, seeking to truly understand their perspective, and choosing your time and place wisely can all work wonders.

However, this is personal!

You can so easily get hooked emotionally when your hot-buttons are pushed or your character is called into question!

Here are three ways to keep the fire out of the conversational flow.

Transactional Analysis is a discipline that does what it says on the tin: analyses transactions. It's got a great track-record of helping people communicate cleanly, clearly, and effectively.

One of the principles of Transactional Analysis is that we have three Ego-states:

• Parent - the taught concept of life
• Adult - the thought concept of life
• Child - the felt concept of life

If your Powerful Conversation is likely to be a tough and emotional one, Adult-to-Adult conversations are a safer route. In these, you both focus on facts, not feelings. Think Mr Spock from Star Trek.

Every time you stray back into unhelpful feelings, bringing back to the facts.

Mind Mapping can act as a mediator if you haven't got a Mediator you can call upon to keep the peace. Putting each party's position on the map is a great way to show you are keen to understand their perspective. Putting them first on the Map is like putting them first in your priorities and it sends a powerfully positive message.

Seeing the various positions on a Mind Map gives you 'distance' - or in psychological terms - it helps you to dissociate from the topic and stay in 'Adult' Ego-state. It is also a brilliant way to preclude the parties talking over each other!

"Negotiate on the merits," is an approach taken by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their excellent book, "Getting to Yes!" This is a book about negotiating and any powerful conversation is likely to be a negotiation where you renegotiate your commitments.

With the merit approach, you seek to see the value in each position (the opposite to what happens when people fight over an issue.) You BIG them up, not seek to break them down. Communicating your understanding of the other party's position - and the value of it - really reinforces your commitment to respecting them and their perspective. Through reciprocity, it encourages them to extend the same respect to you.

May you and I have powerful conversations where we both achieve more freedom.