Powerful advice.

In Short:

To give advice that people indeed take is all about empathy.

Humans are not inclined to easily take advice from others and underestimate the benefits of combining more suggestions.

Leaders should take measures against negative effects of power.

Although there is a good article on NYT (Oct. 21, 2019) by Anna Goldfarb, I would like to address my own experience.

I have been working for a successful consulting company for a long time and clients accept our advice in all respects. I wonder what is different in personal life, or why it is so difficult to convince family members and colleagues what to do, even when they ask for guidance.

I got the opportunity to see extraordinary scenarios, and in one of them I could contemplate a group of birds flying in a "V" shape. So I asked myself why swans, ducks, geese... follow a leader in such formation and found an answer by the biologist Bruce Bratt: “To conserve energy by taking advantage of the upwash vortex fields created by the wings of birds in front, and to facilitate orientation and communication among the birds.” Most interesting for me: "The leaders of formations change from time to time... "

This should indicate the natural way of getting a job done: Nominate a leader, assign a team, define a process, and just take off. But the devil is in the details. Can you imagine a duck "chief" defining the altitude or position of others? Let me explain why communication is crucial.

Communication

Sensitivity

The very first principle is not to give unsolicited advice, mostly self-evident. "Why don't you cut with a knife?"; "This door should have 3 hinges"; "Stay calm"; "Good vibes only". It doesn't really help and, specially in stressed situations, it nerves. It is obvious that people want to save energy; if they are not in their best shape, it is because they can't do it or don't have the appropriate tools, and not because they couldn't figure it out - in most cases.

Sometimes people ask for your opinion. Seriously?

A couple of weeks ago, a colleague of mine asked about his Excel spreadsheet: "Please tell me your honest opinion!". Do you really think he wanted my remarks? Nobody likes to be taught about things he or she already has a suspicion are being done wrong. On the other hand, if someone got stuck on an Excel's function, explains his goal, what he tried, what worked, and shows the wish to improve, then a piece of advice would be probably welcome. 

In real life it is difficult to distinguish between these two situations; as rule of thumb, if someone asks a general question : "Am I fat?"; "Does the dinner have enough salt?";"Are my shoes pretty?", the answer should always be :"You are doing great, go ahead". If it is more specific: "I made diets type A, B and C and I gained weight. Do you have a clue ?"; "I cooked according to this receipt and the cake is fudgy and tough, unrisen and flat. What can it be?"; " My feet are often drenched in sweat, I tried leather and plastic but it is all the same. Do you have any hint?", then you are free to elaborate a well detailed counsel.

Qualification

Let's suppose you are sensitive enough to identify if it is a request to be (highly) praised or a real matter for guidance. Now you have to ask yourself if you have the qualification to give advice. Great mistakes are made just because people are not humble enough to say "Sorry, I don't know". "Do I have the expertise, experience or knowledge needed to provide helpful advice in this situation?" said Leigh Tost, an associate professor at the University of Southern California. In the end it should be something profitable or advantageous, and not increase the problem.

Empathy

It was solicited! Really? And you are qualified? Please rethink before an advice cross your mind: The main actor is not you. Who has to solve and take decisions is someone else, who probably doesn't have the skills, expertise and tools that you have. Keep asking until you are able to understand his or her position - to be in his or her shoes.

And how to say it is as important as what to say. If you are sure giving advice is a good thing, be polite and friendly, avoid to point out mistakes, misconceptions or failures. If it is really necessary, try to apply the sandwich technique: Start with a praise, be short with the unpleasant critic, and end with something good like the outstanding achievements. 

The best way to do so is to be a model, an example. A bird just fly and the others copy the behavior. Instead of telling what to do, think about a similar situation and recount the story. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable.

A short example: [solicited advice] A neighbor of mine was facing an engine with an erratic behavior, he came to me and explained [specific target] he had already checked it several items (a)  and his next step would be trying a stick dynamite to get the engine running smoothly again. [Qualification] As I like to tinker with cars, I thought about calibration (b) and [keep asking] then asked him about his tools:(c) [tell a story] I told him a calibration case with one of my cars (d) and [be vulnerable] how stupid I was when I broke a screw inside the housing because I didn't use the torque wrench.

a- spark-plugs, searched for eddy currents, controlled throttle valve b- the timing chain and camshaft -intake and exhaust c-torque wrench and feeler gauge. d- a VW motor, 1.6 carburated.

Information flow saves energy

According to the biologist Bratt, a reason for the bird formation is the upwash vortex fields created by the wings of birds in front, producing relief for the duck behind.

A successful company relies - as the ducks - on a cooperative formation. In my former work, intrigues like engineering vs. purchasing, designer vs. metal turner, production planning vs. sales were habitual, heading to a kind of "closed looping" formation, where same tasks had to be made or reworked over and over again.

Leadership involves developing and guiding the followers and it should create natural and trustworthy environments. It is important to develop an environment where information flows smoothly, without pressure drop, where every group and individual have net profit from the team-mate and don't need either to reinvent the wheel or rework all the stuff. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there! But a minimum of cooperation has to take place.

Changeover of power

The leaders of duck formations change from time to time.

Leadership is not a popularity contest. Relying on others can be perceived as a sign of incompetence or uncertainty. Therefore, high power individuals are not comfortable with the competitiveness of advisors taking decision in their field of expertise. The organization has to support decision makers with feelings of security about their status and position so that exposure to experts is experienced as less threatening as possible.

There is an informal commandment by Japanese companies (Toyota alike) about resources. I would translate it like the "Equality commandment". This means that one team-mate can not get a better laptop, chair or whatever than another. Of course salaries and benefits are different. Additionally, decisions are taken by the entire group. This is the reason why decisions can take so long by this sort of organization, but there is not just one responsible, everyone is accountable for the best (and worst).

Too much power may lead to deafness, may leave a bitter taste in team members' working lives. Employees should not be doomed to be voiceless. Creativity, enthusiasm and motivation are only possible with a turn over of power - and these blossom everywhere if you recognize: It takes at least two to a tango.

Summary

Try to clarify to yourself if you are asking for advice or just for an approval of your opinion. Consider this when somebody asks you. Listen and make people feel important when you ask for more details.

Next time you see something different in the air, like birds flying, go further in your analysis. If necessary, don't be shy and ask for advice. As Bruce Lee said, "a wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer." Let's give it a go!

References

Schaerer, M., Tost, L.P., Huang, L., Gino, F., & Larrick, R. (2018). Advice giving: A subtle pathway to power. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44 (5), 746-761.