The Power of Your Words

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. That's how the old saying goes but research has proven that it is dramatically wrong. The words that we hear the words that we share and how we share them have a huge emotional impact on the individuals involved with the communication. And that's what I want to dive into this episode. The power of the words that we use and how we use them.

This topic means a lot to me because when I was in middle school, I was struggling from a school perspective, due to some personal and family issues. A teacher stood me up in front of the class. He pointed at me and said "Everybody, look at Greg. He is the scum at the bottom of the bucket. Don't be like him." That impacted me from a negative perspective and caused a bit of a tailspin where I struggled in school for a long time after that. 

Eventually, we moved to a new school and there it was night and day. The teachers there looked for opportunities to highlight things I was doing well. They looked to make a big deal out of my small successes. That slowly built my confidence up to where I started to believe in myself again. I went on to graduate 10th in my class. I got my bachelor's and my master's degrees, both with high honors.

So, the words that we say to each other, have a huge impact on how that other person feels about themselves and the actions that they take in the world. 

Muhammad Catani, a security engineer from Saudi Arabia who won the 2015 Toastmasters International world said something really beautiful. He said "Words, when said and articulated in the right way can change someone's mind. They can alter someone's belief. You have the power to bring someone from the slums of life and make a successful person out of them or you can destroy someone's happiness using only your words."  

Words are significantly powerful. Within the words we speak, there's a lot of emotional potency. Every word can have a lot of impact on the people that we're talking to, especially when they're coming from somebody in leadership. So, we have to be careful how we use the words that we share and the tone we're leveraging, as we put those words out into the world. 

Researchers found that accusatory statements, especially the kind of start with "YOU" e.g. "You did this wrong..." are a big factor that contributes to increasing rates of depression in the United States, especially among women. 

They've also found that negative words are harder for your listener to listen to. The brain responds to them differently. It causes negative hormones and neurotransmitters to flood the body, while positive words stimulate the frontal lobes. If you think about using positive words, think about the door opening. It's expanding, there's more room for new ideas. But if you use negative words, the brain is getting a lot tighter, it's strengthening and that doors tightly locked. You're not going to be able to motivate folks to try new things and be innovative when you're using negative language. 

If I put you in an MRI scanner and flash the word "No” in front of you for less than one second your body would fill up with all sorts of

negative chemicals and neurotransmitters. Impairing your ability to think, reason, and leverage logic.

Additional research was done that showed that in America, there's a lot more bad leaders than good leaders. About two out of five folks in the US say that they have bad leaders. Only one in five, about 20% say they have good leaders. I think there's a lot of room for improvement in our culture. 

The last piece of data I want to share is around relationships. This one is fascinating. Dr. Gottman has done a tremendous amount of research on relationships. He's viewed thousands of hours of couples together and then links that to what happened in those relationships down the road, if they broke up or they got divorced. What he found is that there is an indicator above all else of a future breakup. Amazingly, he was able to show an indicator which was a better predictor of marital success than the opinions of marriage counseling professionals.I share that indicator on the show.

I want to talk about one more fascinating impact that comes out of the words we say. The Pygmalion effect and the Golem effect. The Golem effect is the idea that when superiors tend to have negative expectations about the folks who work for them or the students that they're teaching, those students or employees tend to perform worse in the future.

 It's like they lived up to those expectations. That's exactly what happened to me when that negative feedback was shared with me and then my scholastic performance went down the drain. On the other side of the Pygmalion effect if your superiors have high expectations and they think positively of you are likely to achieve more. That means it’s very malleable. You can use this in the way that you lead others to drive positive impacts, their behaviors, and outcomes. 

The original research was done by Rosenthal and Jacobson, 40 years ago. They experimented in an elementary school, where they had kids take an intelligence test. They went to the teachers and provided them a list of specific student that performed well on that test and had the unusual potential for intellectual growth. 

However, they made that list up and it had nothing to do with the actual performance on the test. They did at the beginning of the school year and came back to check on the students at the end of the school year. What they found is that 20% that they made up arewere outperforming the other students significantly, even though they didn't have more of an aptitude than the other students to begin with. It was driven by the different ways the teacher treated them and the different expectations that they had for them. 

Now that we know the power of the words that we say and how we say them. What can we do to avoid the risks that come with this and take advantage of the power of this? Here are some tips for you. Listen to the full episode where I'll explain these tips more thoroughly.

• I think the first step is just to be aware of it. Being aware of your language, the words you're using with your subordinates, with your children, with your wife, and the tone that you're leveraging when you're sharing those words.

• From a broader cultural perspective at your company, be mindful of how you and your supervisors are treating their employees and how peers are treating each other because this can spread like cancer in your organization. 

• Something that helps me is to always assume that the person I'm talking to wants to do the best possible job that they can. If you want them to be more organized, treat them as if they already are more organized, and they'll live up to those expectations. 

• Another tip is to celebrate more of what you want to see in the workplace. Celebrate those small wins and any miniature step in the right direction. 

At the end of the day, if you're not getting what you want from an employee, try something new. If you've been giving them negative feedback and they're not getting where you want, try this positive expectation approach and see what happens. What do you have to lose? 

On the flip side. Still, don’t take things so personally? I certainly have a problem with this. My wife might have a long day at work, she comes home, and is short with me. I'm 100% sure it has something to do with me when it has nothing to do with me at all. The world does not revolve around me.

So, let me leave you with a quote to think about from Dale Carnegie. He says "Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it." Remember that when you're communicating with folks who report to you. Provide them the recognition and appreciation that they long for, and use that to help them move in the direction that you want to see them go.