The power of words

Before Christmas I recorded a podcast episode that was all about “Tis the season to be jolly and all that – but what if you are not?” – but not for one minute did I anticipate that I would find myself down a deep dark hole, back to wanting to stay in bed and hide from the world under my duvet! I was looking forward to Christmas, the first one in our new home and everything was planned and prepared and was going to be marvellous.

WRONG.

Let’s just say it has been the sh*ttiest Christmas on record and I am still dragging myself back from that heavy dark place but I am definitely on the up!

A combination of factors came together and literally took the wind out of my sails (and my lungs too – I’m still fighting the lurgy off) with a friend experiencing a desperate kick in the guts from a close family member and needing support, through to my 83 year old Dad spending 56 hours on a trolley in the corridor of our local A&E – and a whole load of vitriolic abuse from a keyboard warrior about my work in dog rescue.

The days (and nights) supervising Dad in hospital really took their toll.?One night I counted 19 ambulances parked up outside with patients on board, around 50 people in the corridors on trolleys or chairs and another 50 or more in the waiting room in various states of dress and undress, various states of health and distress. But I am NOT bashing the NHS – I believe there are a number of factors that have contributed to the broken state it is now in and I believe it will take a bloody good shake up to get it back to anything like functioning – and we met MANY fabulous staff who were really trying hard. However, ONE nurse who we had the misfortune to meet is indeed the reason for my writing this piece. ?

Dad had been on a trolley in A&E corridor for more than 50 hours. My son and I had taken it in turns to sit with him and to bring water, do toilet trips with him, and provide sandwiches from the vending machine – until they ran out. We had run for help when Dad became delirious and asked for pain relief when he said he was struggling.

A nurse came and agreed pain relief was required – and then another nurse came to check his BP and temp 2 hours later and agreed pain relief was indeed required – so after FOUR hours of no pain relief, I went to look behind the magic curtain where the nurses hung out. (So many have developed an uncanny knack for walking past you without making any eye contact, looking through you as though you are not there, walking with purpose to their task and not allowing you to even appear on their radar – its equally infuriating and understandable as so many people were desperate for their help and attention – they focus on the corridor/bed/person they are accountable for and you do not exist …. Or so it feels.)

There had been a shift change one hour earlier, so we had waited patiently whilst that happened and all the handovers were done, and finally I couldn’t bear to see my Dad wincing and squirming in pain any longer and went in search of a nurse. I was pointed to the magic curtain and when I stepped around it, Mr Nurse and Miss HCA (health Care assistant) were leaning against the radiator laughing and chatting, you might even call it flirting, it was that kind of behaviour. I waited patiently for a break in their chat and politely said “Excuse me, my Dad has been waiting a good while now for some pain relief”.

And then it happened – the power of language in the conversations we have and the impact that language can have, long after the conversation is over.

?“Excuse me, my Dad has been waiting a good while now for some pain relief” - to which Mr Nurse replied “Yes and he is just one of 50 patients waiting, we will get to him in time”

JUST one of 50?

My Dad is not JUST anything and he might be JUST one of 50 to you Mr Nurse, but he is the ONLY DAD I will ever have and he is in pain and he has been here for 52 hours now on a trolley in a corridor at 83 years of age with stage 4 Chronic Kidney Disease, delirious, confused, struggling to catch his breath AND IN PAIN!

In that moment my support and sympathy for the NHS staff dissolved in a flash – in that moment I forgot about the kindness, the efficiency, the empathy others had shown because in that moment the word “JUST” and the tone of voice and facial expression that delivered that sentence, hit me hard.

I burst into tears as I turned back down the corridor – tears of frustration, tears of anger and I have to be honest, tears of FEAR! I was scared that this was the system that was to care for my Dad – it really didn’t care at all!

A few hours later and luckily Dad was moved to a ward – where a very lovely, professional and compassionate nurse could see I was upset. I explained to her what had been said to me, she insisted that she would report it, I doubt she did though as she was being pulled all over the place, I reckon the way that nurse had spoken to me was forgotten amongst the stress and strain of her shift.

I’ve not forgotten the words though. And that is my point.

Whenever we engage in dialogue with others, we need to be clear in our mind first of our intention. We need to check our own mood and attitude and ensure we are in the right frame of mind for the setting, the moment, the conversation we are about to have. As professionals, even when working under stress, we should never underestimate the importance of our communication being appropriate, reasonable and professional, and if you are going to choose a career in a caring profession, remind yourself of that in everything you do.

I appreciate they were under pressure that they should not be under, but in the previous 52 hours those other nurses and staff were under the same pressure but they managed to remain polite, helpful, civil and reassuring – so what was his excuse? He had only been on shift for an hour so it wasn’t the “tired after 12 hours” moment? I wasn’t being abusive to him I was asking, politely. I’d even waited for a pause in their flirtatious conversation before I spoke! ?

Conversations will have an outcome and we need to think about the outcome and impact that we want them to have. We need to think about “what do I want to achieve from this interaction” and therefore how do I want to come across. In the training I do we talk a lot about the importance of emotional intelligence, and that is NOT just about managing your own state, it is also about being mindful and respectful of the OTHER person’s state too – and all of this matters if we want to come away from the conversation with a positive relationship still intact.

I came across the following quote, attributed to Yehuda Berg, and ask you to consider it for ANY conversation you intend to have:-

“Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate”

And my final piece of advice?

Don’t mix bad words with your bad mood. You may have the opportunity to change your mood, but you can never take back the words you spoke and the damage you caused. Conversations really do matter!

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