The Power Of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.

– Brené Brown

I listened to Brene Brown's Tedtalk on the power of vulnerability which is eight years old already, and i can't help but share my lessons here.

In this TED talk, Brené Brown, who studies vulnerability, brings us into how we can live a more meaningful life.

Brown went back to the research and spent years trying to understand what choices whole-hearted people, who live from a deep sense of worthiness, were making. “What are we doing with vulnerability? Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability?” Here is what she learned:

We numb vulnerability — when we’re waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, “How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?” And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what’s out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I’m sick, and we’re newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people — this is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

According to Brene, connection is why we are here. It is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. The ability to feel connected is neurobiologically how we are wired, why we are here.

She said that there is an unnamed thing that rivalled connection. She called this shame.

Shame can easily be said to be the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?

Shame is universal. Everyone has it, and the world experience it. No one wants to talk about his shame and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.

What underpins shame (the feeling of I'm not good enough, I'm too small, I'm not promoted enough, etc.) is an excruciating vulnerability.

This idea that if we have to connect (for in order for connection to happen), we have to allow ourselves to be seen. 

During her research, she interviewed a lot of people, read lots of journals and books. Finally, she realised that there are two groups of people in the world. They are; those that have a sense of worthiness and those that don't have it.

People who have a sense of worthiness have a strong sense of loving belonging. And folks who struggle for it are folks who are always wondering if they are good enough.

The difference between those who have a sense of loving belonging and those who do not have it is that those that have it BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE WORTHY OF LOVING BELONGING.

They believe that they are worthy!!!

What keeps us out of connection is our fear that we are not worthy of connection.

Characteristics Of Those That have a Sense Of Worthiness And sense of Loving Belonging

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• Sense of courage: they had the courage to be imperfect.

Courage is from the word Latin word core, which means heart, and this is all about telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. Hence, these people dare to be imperfect.

• Sense of compassion: they had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then with others. We cannot practice compassion with others if we cannot first treat ourselves with compassion.

• Connection: They had a connection which is the hard part as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be and allow themselves to be who they are, which you have to do that for connection.

• The other thing they had in common is VULNERABILITY: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable. Nor did they see it as really excruciating. They just thought about it being necessary. They thought about the willingness to say I love you first. The willingness to do something when there are no guarantees. The willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after the mammogram. They were willing to invest in the relationship even though it may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.

Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and a struggle for worthiness, but then, it is the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, and of love.

According to Brown,

(...) I’ll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee — and that’s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that’s excruciatingly difficult — to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we’re wondering, “Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?” just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, “I’m just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.”

We need to believe that we are enough.