The power of slowing down
“How many times do you hear parents saying that their Saturday is taken up with driving their children to various sports, lessons, or activities??
In contrast, when was the last time you heard someone say, “On Saturday, my daughter is going to play.”
- ?The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joelle Alexander & Iben Dissing Sandahl.
Today, parents are busier than ever. Jam-packed family schedules which leave parents feeling exhausted and lacking quality time with their children.?
I certainly feel overwhelmed when we have too many family and sporting commitments. While my kids (aged 4 and 8) attend a couple of activities, I try to keep things simple. In winter, we tend to pull back on those structured activities and enjoy bushwalks and sunshine. It’s a time when, as a family, we enjoy slowing down.?
We live in a semi-rural area and don’t have a particularly busy social life, so I often respond to questions about my weekend with, “Oh the kids played, we did some gardening, went on a walk.” Nothing happens and yet a lot happens. The kids have fun. They get bored. They laugh. They argue. They work it out. And so it goes on.?
Our life isn’t perfect. It’s often messy and sometimes stressful but I am mindful of the need to slow down, something that not only my kids benefit from, but me too.
In my Marte Meo Practitioner Training groups, we’ve been working through Maria Aarts’ learning sets which show everyday interactions in German families across a three year period. Something that has been particularly surprising to participants has been the slow-paced interactions between the parent and child in these videos.?
It becomes startlingly obvious that when we slow down, we can make deeper, stronger connections with infants and children. Not only that, we can make strong connections in everyday moments such as brushing teeth, changing a nappy and tying our kids shoelaces. The need to be rushing from here to there, to “hurry up” children, means these everyday connections may be missed.
This is the subject of my latest blog post, the power of slowing down, as I draw on some of the supportive communication elements of the Marte Meo method. It can be used by professionals working with families, or use them with your own children. It’s like a Marte Meo cheatsheet!?
My final cohort for 2023 Marte Meo Practitioner Training starts August 7th. Registrations close on Monday 24th July.
Can’t make it this time? I'll be releasing dates for the 2024 cohort soon, join the waitlist here.
This week:
Interested in working with me? I have a range of workshops, training and supervision opportunities for individuals and organisations that work with perinatal populations or infants, toddlers and young children. Contact me today.
If you would like to receive my weekly perinatal news, as well as articles, upcoming training and events, you can receive them directly in your inbox by subscribing here.
That's it from me. See you next month.
Lauren Keegan
Perinatal Psychologist & Writer
The power of slowing down: Daily connection moments with babies and children
n today’s fast-paced world, where the pressure for parents to succeed is ever-present, it is more important than ever to remember the value of slowing down, especially when it comes to babies and young children.?
Amidst the constant rush, parents and caregivers do understand the significance of forming quality connections with their children- but making time for this can be challenging.?
Children actively try to connect with parents and caregivers, usually through verbal, action or emotion initiatives. Connection moments are often missed because we adults are too busy.
Slowing down and making connections with children in everyday moments is the basis of the?Marte Meo Method.?
In this blog post, I will explore ways in which parents can slow down and make connections with their babies and young children in daily interactions.?
Marte Meo Supportive communication elements
I will introduce you to the basic Marte Meo supportive communication elements that facilitate the slowing down of interactions to strengthen the parent-child relationship and activate development.?
Transform tasks into connection moments
Whether it’s a nappy change or getting dressed for the day, parents are often in a hurry to get through ‘tasks’ and move on to the next thing. “Let’s get this nappy changed and then we can play on the floor together.” But what if there was another way? What if these everyday ‘tasks’ were opportunities for connection??
One of the simplest, yet most effective ways for parents to slow down and connect with their child is by using opportunities throughout the day to be fully present.?
Whether during nappy changes, meal times, or play sessions, engage in eye contact, gentle touches, and soft words. This makes children feel special and seen and form emotional connections with their caregivers.??
Naming (one’s own initiatives)
In Marte Meo, talking about what you are doing as you go about your day is called naming. This is where the parent talks to the infant or young child about what they are doing, about to do or what they expect the child to do. Examples include:?
“Okay, I’m going to change your nappy now. Let’s get your nappy off…”
“Time to get ready to go outside. Let’s start with putting on your pants…”
‘I’m going to start making dinner. Why don’t you sit up at the counter and help me prepare the vegetables.”?
This is also known as?Positive Leading?and encourages making a connection with the child before the adult leads.
Why is this important? It helps babies and children know what is happening, and it promotes familiarity, predictability and cooperation, which makes children feel safe and secure.?
Connection before action moments
Before you do something to a child, make a connection first.?
For example, when changing a nappy, the adult leans into a 20cm distance and makes eye contact with the baby, then they tell the baby what is to come next. “I’m going to change your nappy now.”?
This creates cooperation moments and it means that things don’t just happen?to?the baby, rather, the baby is an active participant.?
领英推荐
Active waiting
When you tell a baby or child what you are going to do, give them a moment to process the information. This goes for giving an instruction too. Remaining present, making eye contact, and having good posture and a welcoming face, means that the child can easily check back in or be guided back to the task if needed.?
Following
Sometimes parents take the lead in play when they should be following. Child-led play creates emotional connection and builds a child’s sense of self, confidence and learning opportunities
When an adult follows a child’s interest, the child feels connected and noticed. It involves stepping into the world of the child. Meeting the child where they are at. It supports children in their development of ideas, creativity and play but also helps with their sense of self and building an emotional connection with the adult.?
Attentive waiting
The adult waits and the child is given space and time to form their own ideas. A parent's presence is an important part of the exploratory experience. Of course, a parent doesn't have to be available 24/7 during free play moments but having some of these experiences each day is beneficial to young children.
In these moments, the infant or child is supported in having space to be themselves, staying focused, learning about their interests, feeling relaxed and feeling respected.?
Naming initiatives
When the adult follows the child and describes what the child is doing this helps a child make sense of the world. Giving words to the child’s actions, intentions, focus, and emotional expressions helps a child stay focused in the moment, is self-regulating and supports language development.?
For example, “You’re kicking the ball” or “You're pushing the truck.”?
Naming supports emotional connection but asking too many questions can create disconnection. When we ask children too many questions they shift from a relaxed state to a problem-solving state which can create anxiety. Naming what they are doing, rather than asking them, is important for language development, building emotional connections, self-registration and a sense of self.
Let them struggle a little
Parents are often too quick to jump in (I’m guilty of this, too!). We don’t like to see children struggling but struggling with everyday problems helps children build resilience to solve the bigger problems they will face in life. Sure, we want to protect children from trauma and loss but children do need to practice everyday struggles in the presence of their caregivers.?
For example, if a preschooler is struggling to pull on a sock, resist the urge to jump in and take over, and allow the child time and space to figure it out on their own. Giving gentle encouragement is also helpful and keeps the child focused on the task: “Oh that sock is a bit tricky to get on but you’re halfway there.”
As Maria Aarts says, when parents take away the problems, they also take away?the?opportunity?for a child to learn to deal with problems.
Final thoughts
These may seem like simple concepts but they can be challenging to do in practice! This is something professionals undergoing?practitioner training?have experienced. The ability to slow down, wait and not ask too many questions takes a lot of practice and self-awareness.?
Slowing down and making meaningful connections in everyday moments with babies and children is a gift that keeps on giving.?
Maria Aarts calls this “the Golden Gift.” Now, what is better for our kids than that?
Want to learn more about the Marte Meo Method? Download this free video lesson:
My latest blog posts and articles
Podcast Interview
I was invited to speak on the Transforming the Toddler Years Podcast with Cara Tyrrell about cooperation, choice-making and listening from the perspective of your child using the Marte Meo Method.
Ep 56. Raising kids who cooperate by Lauren Keegan
(Transforming the Toddler Years with Cara Tyrrell).
Upcoming webinars, workshops and training
You'll find me here:
Practice skills to promote infant and parent mental health in the first twelve months of life (Mental Health Professionals Network)
When: Tuesday 15 August 2023
What time: 7:15 PM-8:30 PM (AEST)
Where: Online – join via your computer
Cost: Free
Aim: This webinar aims to explore practice skills that nurture the developing parent-child relationship and address the practical and emotional transitions of parenting.
Introducing Marte Meo: Strengthening parent-infant attachment through everyday interactions (Marte Society and Helen Mayo House Joint Perinatal Conference 2023)
When: Thursday 7th September, 1pm-4pm
Where: Adelaide (in person event)
A practical introductory 3 hour workshop on the Marte Meo Method.
Marte Meo Practitioner Training (August cohort)- online
Save the date- upcoming perinatal conferences and events
7th-9th September, 2023-?Joint?Marce?Society & Helen Mayo House Conference,??Adelaide