The Power of Simple Gestures in Building Connection and Trust

I've been in that situation before.

A close friend is going through a tough time, and I hesitate.

Should I reach out or will it be too overbearing? Will I say the right thing? Will my message even matter? I don’t want to overwhelm them. And so, I go on with my life.

When I see them, I say something generic like “how are you?” and then move on.

But then, during a recent period of stress in my own life, people took the time to send me quick texts.

Nothing in-depth or overwhelming, just a simple note saying they were thinking of me and asking how I was doing. The impact was greater than I could have imagined. I never thought a simple text would matter, but it did. And I regret not doing the same for others when they needed it.

Feeling accepted is a fundamental human desire.

Yet, we often wonder if we are accepted more than others realize. We live life in a state of uncertainty, constantly questioning if we are doing the right things to be accepted.

This need for acceptance peaks during times of uncertainty, worry, and struggle. Simple gestures, which may seem irrelevant to the expresser, actually elevate our positivity, morale, and sense of acceptance, reducing our stress and anxiety just a bit.

This isn’t just about tough times; it’s about good times, too.

Knowing we are accepted amplifies our joy and mitigates our sorrow.

This realization prompted me to explore why simple gestures have such profound effects and why there is a disconnect between their size and their impact.

The answer lies in a study by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley called "Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation."

The study highlighted that expressers often believe their actions are less meaningful than they are to recipients. Expressers focus on the effort or cost involved, while recipients focus on the positive emotions the act elicits.

This finding resonated with my past experiences.

We struggle to reach out to others because we fear awkwardness, uncertainty about the right words, and doubt that our gestures will be valued or needed. But simple gestures can have a significant impact for several reasons:

• Social Connection: Simple gestures remind us we are not alone and that others care about us. This aligns with the psychological theory of attachment, which posits that such gestures make us feel secure and cared for.
• Affirmation and Validation: They affirm our worth and validate our importance to someone else.
• Oxytocin Release: Kind and thoughtful behaviors trigger oxytocin, which is associated with feelings of bonding, trust, and empathy.
• Social Support Theory: This theory shows that simple gestures buffer against stress and contribute to mental health.

Dealing with financial situations is inherently stressful.

Constantly worrying about money and seeing negative headlines creates anxiety. We continually innovate in our industry to alleviate this for clients, but it often comes down to something right in our control: consistent and simple gestures.

A 2017 study by Fehr, Fulmer, and Awtrey examined whether the returns of simple gestures diminish over time. They found that the impact does diminish when gestures are too frequent and lack meaningful or varied content. Simply put, doing the same thing too often doesn’t work. Authenticity, variety, and novelty are key.

This advice may seem counterintuitive because of cognitive dissonance theory, which suggests that people value outcomes more when they put more work into the process.

Thus, we believe that more effort (in our gestures) equals greater impact (of our gestures). However, the true secret sauce lies in being thoughtful and authentic.

We must listen, organize what we hear, and empower our team to act on information. Too often, valuable insights about our clients stay within one person's mind. We need tools, processes, and structures to capture and act on this information. Investing energy in developing these structures within our current processes enables our team to capture and act on what they hear.

The key is not to do all of this at once. But rather, identify a gesture you desire to incorporate and focus on executing that first. For me, it’s handwritten notes. So, I’ve invested time to build a structure around this. Then, execute by delivering this simple gesture in times of gratitude or sympathy or just because.

Finally, we must let ourselves be authentic.

Overstructuring gestures with exact formulas and verbiage leads to diminishing returns. Using our own tone, language, and words makes gestures authentic. Specificity is also crucial. Generic messages won’t deliver the impact. We need to tailor gestures based on what we hear from clients.

As I write this, it all seems so intuitive and basic, yet few in the industry, myself included, act on this insight. I've failed at it drastically, but it's worthy of our time to act on more effectively and efficiently.

To inspire you, here are some ways to deliver simple, thoughtful, and authentic gestures:

• Handwritten notes
• Text messages
• Phone calls
• Performing small favors or taking something off their hands
• Sending relevant (small) gifts on special occasions
• Just listening to them
• Praising them publicly

It’s not about sending a note every day or following a rigid schedule. It’s about being intentional and fluid.

Jamie Dimon of JPMorgan can’t send handwritten notes to each new wealth management client. You can. That's the advantage of being small, nimble, and personal. You can provide a level of service that no big company can.

We’ve drifted towards more structured, formalized, and automated routes.

However, a recent experience has reignited my passion for reminding us all of the value of simple, authentic, and difficult-to-automate gestures.