The Power in Silence

We are reminded often that striking up a conversation and asking questions like?RUOK? are central to supporting others doing it tough, particularly in times of crisis. It’s hard to argue with this guidance as we know well through our work at?Lifeline?that connecting with others is a vital ingredient in supporting people through difficult times. It’s at the very heart of our?national crisis service?(via 13 11 14) that has been supporting people across Australia for more than 58 years.??

It might sound easy. Simply connect with others by starting a conversation and asking good open questions and all will be good? Perhaps? Yet, why do so many of us struggle with this?

Many people tell us during their?training to be a Lifeline Crisis Supporter, that these conversations and questions can be some of the most challenging in their life. Many people recognise through this training that, just as important as learning the skills required to be with others as they experience crisis, is the ability and self-awareness to ‘unlearn’[i].

What do I mean?

For example, one of the most difficult things to “unlearn” can be the temptation to quickly jump into fixing mode and sorting people’s problems for them (whether this is what they are after or not!). The unlearning can come through a deep focus on ourselves, our own biases and own needs (self-awareness) and an understanding that, as paradoxical as it may seem, at times, one of the most powerful ways to help others, is supporting them to help themselves.?

How might we do this?

While questions like RUOK? may sound easy, as the team at RUOK acknowledge;

It’s not always easy to keep the conversation going when someone says they’re not OK, but it could change a life.

RUOK website -?https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask

I agree and would argue too, that equally, or perhaps even more confronting, is when there is no reply at all. That is, when the response is silence.?

However, as Katie Colombus, author of?How to Listen, published by our good friends?The Samaritans in the UK, reminds us;

A good listener know that silence can sometimes say far more than words.

(Colombus 2021, p. 8)

While it may seem counter-intuitive (particularly in our modern world of ‘busyness’), silence can be one of the most impactful parts of any conversation, particularly one where the focus is on ‘helping’. If our motivation is helping others, speaking less and listening more, can be critical components in the mix of what may make ‘helping conversations’ effective.?

German philosopher?Martin Buber?in?I-thou?suggests that “All real living is meeting”.?

Such ‘meetings’ are very different to what might come naturally to us when faced with someone seeking help. Our inclination can often be to fix and sort their problems, usually as quickly as possible. Or, if not to sort the problem for them, we can often be quick to offer all manner of advice and suggestions, it can be tough to resist this.?

Buber on the other hand, argues that ‘meetings’ are moments that we really cannot plan for. In ‘meeting’, others, we create the space to be with them, and rather than trying to find the right words to make things right, it may be what we?don’t?say, that can make the difference.

How might we go about allowing for the?power in silence?through a ‘helping conversation’?

As Colombus points out when referring to having patience when listening to others;

The person shouldn’t feel rushed. If they do, they won’t feel it’s a safe environment. If they’ve paused in their response, wait: they may not have finished speaking. It might take them some time to formulate what they want to say, or they may find it difficult to articulate what they’re feeling….?

If someone pauses, count to five in your head. Letting the pause happen will help give the other person clarity, space to think and, time to elaborate further if they need to. It also shows you are thinking about what they are saying, which will hopefully give them the confidence they need to keep talking.

(Colombus 2021, p. 80)

So why can silence be so hard to deal with at times? What is it about silence that we may find awkward and distressing? What is it about us that mean that we so often feel the need to fill the space of silence with words??How might we allow silence into our conversations? How does a period of silence make us feel??

These might be questions worthy of further self-reflection if our goal is to create the space to ‘meet’ others.

If we become more comfortable with silence could this lead to better ‘helping conversations’ and relationships with others??

[i]?Unlearn?– “Unlearning is the process through which we break down the origins of our thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, feelings, and biases”.?Source:?https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-gen-y-psy/202004/the-power-unlearning