The Power of Silence!

I recall the look on my peer coach’s face in response to ‘What do you want to talk about today?’, I said I felt uncomfortable with silence when I was having a conversation. I added my tendency to finish sentences for people or offer words to ease their struggle. I had this challenge for as long as I can remember but when my professional coaching journey began, I found that this problem had to be dealt with.

As I attended coaching classes, read books, and listened to live coaching sessions, I was constantly reminded to talk less and allow the client to speak and reflect more but why was that difficult for me? Why was I uncomfortable with silence??

In my peer coaching sessions on this, I discovered that my inner person could not bear seeing people struggle – with what to say or how to say it. To me such a struggle was embarrassing and I needed to help them through that! This was a barrier to effective coaching, I have learned.

Why then is silence so powerful in coaching? It allows the client time to reflect on the issue being discussed and helps the coach to pay more attention and be present. It is an important part of listening. When you offer words or phrases to the client, it might not be exactly what they want to say, and it might derail their thoughts. Interjecting might also interrupt deep thinking which escalates new insights and provides clarity and options for resolving issues.

Since all insights and solutions must come from the client, not the coach, he or she must be given space to properly understand the problem and discover the solution from their inner self. It is also important that the client owns the process and the outcome – this will ensure commitment to action.

In an article, Wayne Farrel said silence by the client could be evidence of a thought-provoking question you have asked so the client needs time and space to reflect on it. He also said that silence after a question makes a client feel listened to and so will more likely open up to the coach. A client needs to ‘empty’ during coaching and silence when skillfully used, makes this happen.

Dealing with my discomfort with silence was therefore a battle I had to win, to be the confident and effective coach I envisioned. I have worked on unlearning this habit by deliberately being aware of it, reviewing each conversation I have daily to see how effective I am, and being genuinely interested in my client’s story. It could be a challenge when the client is taking a long time to respond to a question but I have learned to ask if I could rephrase the question or whether they needed more time.? I am proud of how far I have come with managing the urge to interject or provide answers that are not solicited and practice has continued to make me a better coach each day.