The Power of Self-Acceptance: Defeating the Fear of Not Belonging

"Mommy, I don't like when kids in my class keep asking me why you are white and Papa is black. I don't like my skin color; I don't fit in. Why can't I be just white or just black? I don't like myself and I hate my skin color."

This was a few years ago. Adam had just turned seven years old. It was still my first year of entrepreneurship and during the early stages of the pandemic. I did not have the emotional capacity to handle any more challenges, as life was already hard enough.

As a parent, as a mother, and as someone who has felt excluded for most of her life, those words were like a knife in my heart. We try so hard as parents to protect our children from external harm, and it still scares me today that I can't shield him from the sting of hurtful words.

Over the past years, I have done my best to make my son feel seen, comfortable in his skin, and embrace the beautiful soul he is. I appreciate his strengths and guide him through his weaknesses. I'm not a saint, so he still gets disciplined; we still argue and fight.

But we have one fundamental rule: we always, always resolve issues through open and honest communication without judgment. That's how I help him belong without making him feel wrong, and without having him grow up harm others because he feels insecure about himself.

Today's reflections may resonate with many or a few, and I hope that they will shed light on the emotional burden people carry, stemming from the fear of not belonging. If you relate to my reflections because you fear being left out or not accepted for who you are, I hope my words provide solace in knowing that you are more than enough.

If you feel confident and content with who you are, I hope my words help you create more space to judge less and understand more with your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your daughter, your son, your boss, your colleague, and anyone who feels deep shame about showing up as their true, authentic self.

As always, I do have a disclaimer. This is not about gender, transgender, race, or any related LGBTQ topics. That's a Pandora's box I feel written words can do more harm than good, and I don't feel qualified or positioned to open this box. This is about personalities, character, behaviors, and emotions. Anyone who tries to place my reflections in that Pandora's box has missed the point of what I am trying to convey: building bridges within humanity through reflections, new perspectives, and navigating the emotional discomfort that comes with this process.

With that said, let's dive into five of my experiences where fear of belonging taught me some of the most valuable life lessons.

Our inner child calls the shots if we don't heal our wounds

I was about nine or ten years old when I finally got invited to a playdate for the first time ever. For me, this was a huge event, as I was always excluded from kids' parties and playdates. I couldn't sleep for days, and I was already imagining how much fun I would have and how loved I would feel, finally having friends to play with. The big day arrived, and I went to my playdate. Boys can be tough and harsh, but girls take being mean to a whole other level!

Half an hour into the playdate, we started playing hide and seek. I didn't know they had made a pact to leave me behind, leaving me out in the cold hiding by myself. One girl had the decency to come see me after an hour of hiding to tell me the harsh truth. I quote:

"Nadja, you just don't fit in our group. You are kind of weird, and we don't want to play with you."

Please don't feel sorry for me, I got over child hood issues! But I want to describe the situation in a way so you can feel the emotional impact of exclusion and its origins.

If you don't know the neuro-scientist Andrew Huberman, I highly recommend you follow him, as he provides practical and easy-to-understand explanations for deeply emotional past experiences.

In this case, I had an intense negative emotion coupled with the experience of being left out, which turned into a memory and an ingrained belief that I don't belong. Long into my adult life, I was oblivious that this belief stemmed from an inner child wound which I had not healed. And thus, every time I tried to go out of my comfort zone or when I felt excluded by others, the emotion would resurface, causing dysfunctional behavior. A common symptom for example is when you receive a promotion at work or when something good happens to you; you subconsciously think you don't deserve it, and something bad is going to happen. Perhaps people will find out you are a fraud, or your performance anxiety becomes twice as intense as usual.

The life lesson is to stop putting bandaids on your childhood wounds, stop adding salt to them, and start disinfecting them from the inside out. Here's how I healed this particular wound, in a nutshell, because it is a process that is different and personal for everyone else. In essence, I felt the pain of exclusion and re-parented my inner child. I made her feel seen, loved, and accepted. I showed her that the behavior of those girls had nothing to do with her and everything to do with them. I disassociated my self-image from that intense experience. Every time I experienced a sense of exclusion, I paid attention to my inner dialogue and made sure the negative train of thoughts did not affect my emotional well-being.

It was only after this process that I could help my son do the same from a place of worth instead of a wound. Otherwise, I would be teaching him anger, hate, grievance, and sadness from my own past issues, which is unfair to him, others, and his future self.

Don't let people's envy and jealousy define your self-worth

In my previous life at NATO and during my last position, I got to do some pretty exciting stuff, including organizing high-level visits. I loved it as it was an opportunity to showcase the work of our colleagues who used innovation and technology to build a safer and more secure foundation within NATO's digital footprint. I held a senior position, which naturally made many in my immediate environment envious and insecure.

Being envious is a normal human reaction, as our brain is wired to socially compare ourselves with others. Not comparing ourselves to others is almost impossible unless you are a Tibetan monk. What is possible is being brutally honest with ourselves, acknowledging the envy, and turning it into inspiration to build ourselves up instead of tearing someone else down.

One time, I was put in charge of a high-level visit from someone who had great authority within NATO. I remember a colleague sharing the following in a diplomatic way, even if it was totally out of line:

"Nadja, it is nice to see that you get so much attention and an opportunity to show your skills. It is nice to see that people at that level want to help someone like you, with your background and ethnicity because it shows that NATO is inclusive."

At that time, I did not have all the emotional intelligence knowledge and inner confidence that I have now. Even if I was surprised and stunned by his words, I did not react. I even acknowledged it because what had happened is that he confirmed my belief that I was a minority and I got special treatment. It bothered me for several weeks and months because I worked so hard, day in and day out, to make this a success. To show how technology is not an afterthought and the work of our scientists and engineers was making a difference in the operational field. And yet, I was seen as the positive discrimination case?

The life lesson I learned is to feel triggered and reflect. Ask yourself, why do I feel great discomfort with this statement or behavior?

For me, it was my fear of not belonging and the lack of confidence that came with it. For others, it could be a sheer sense of injustice and inappropriate verbal micro-aggression. And for others, it could be a sign of low levels of emotional intelligence, an interruption of cognitive intelligence, and a sign of jealousy. When you become clear on the root cause of your triggers, you can come from a place of clarity and push back with grace.

If I had to relive this situation, I would have pushed back without shame and asked:

"Are you suggesting that I am favored because of my race and background? Maybe I misunderstood you, but you are actively discriminating against my gender and my background, which is against NATO's Civilian Personnel Regulations Article X, point Y? Maybe I am wrong, but please enlighten me?"

I would be much less emotional about it, more prepared, and equipped to defend my values and stand up against poor and toxic behavior.

Your work does not define your worth

I thought I was quite confident and self-assured when I became an entrepreneur. I had already done the inner work, learned so much along the way, and was ready to conquer the world as an entrepreneur. Well, besides COVID, which was a major disruptor in my plan to conquer the world with EQ, I also had to learn to disassociate my worth from my work and stick to my unique way of showing up. This is where mindset plays such an important role, and taking the time to adopt a growth mindset while feeling uncomfortable in doing so.

In the first two years of my entrepreneurial journey, I was still somewhat naive in the sense that I believed people when they said they were going to do something. Keeping your word is, for me, a core part of integrity and a no-brainer. The biggest mistake you can make is to think people will act the same way you do, that people will see things the same way you do, and that people have the same values as you do. I learned the hard way that many say a lot of things but don't keep their word. It triggered me so much, and I started again to question my self-worth. I internalized people's behavior as a reflection of who I was. It was a repeating pattern in that I kept meeting people, potential business partners, and even clients who were promising the world only to deliver a small village.

I had to become brutally honest with myself and stop trying to figure out what they were doing wrong but what I was doing wrong.

These experiences taught me two life lessons. First, I needed to embody the qualities of the people I wanted in my life and who I wanted to work with. Then I could start seeing people's behaviours as feedback instead of internalizing them. When I became brutally honest with myself, I discovered that at times, I also did not follow up. I also did not keep my word in certain circumstances.

Sometimes it was because I felt overwhelmed. Other times I did not want to feel the discomfort of disappointing others, so not responding was easier. And other times, I felt entitled to better treatment because I was coming from an ego centric place.

I started to change my behavior and became aware whenever I felt inclined not to speak up or not give feedback to do it anyway. At first, it felt quite uncomfortable, especially when the other party did not care or did not respond. But it helped me be okay with doing the right thing without expectations. How do you know you did the right thing? You start feeling a sense of peace within yourself. You feel lighter. Suddenly, I met more people who kept their word. But I also stopped overthinking people's behaviors and took it as feedback on how to move forward within the relationship, business or personal.

No longer did I internalize people's behavior as a sign that I am not enough and that I don't belong, but simply as a reflection of their mindset in that moment of their journey. This gives you the power to decide on how to proceed with clarity and confidence, and let go of anxiety and chaos in your life.

Not all communities are YOUR communities

A few years ago, I was approached by someone to become a volunteer in a not-for-profit organization. It was less than a year after COVID, and I felt quite alone, so I thought it was time to get back into society and make new connections. Little did I know that this person, whom I became fond of and trusted, would turn out to be another life lesson because I failed to spot the red flags.

I don't want to go into too many details because I don't believe in shaming or blaming, but I do want to use this as a general example of how to overcome your fear of not belonging so you don't end up in people's manipulation trap. That's what happened; I allowed the emotional manipulation to cloud my judgment and compromise my core values of integrity, honesty, and transparency. Every time this person would act out of character in subtle and manipulative ways, I would try to justify myself more, do more, and feel sorry for them.

Guilt is another emotion unhealed people use to get you to do stuff you don't want to do or should be doing, another reflection for another time!

Then one event happened which woke me up. A project we had worked on together for months as part of a group came to fruition. At the end of the evening, this person celebrated themselves and one other person, completely denying the efforts of the others and my own. I was livid, I felt hurt, and I left without a word. They apologized the next day under the pretense that it was a mistake and they forgot. I knew it was done on purpose as part of a dysfunctional behaviour of power dynamics. I did not confront them and let them get away with it.

The life lesson I learned is to take the time to heal my wound of not feeling appreciated when working so hard. I realized that if I was working hard to feel appreciated and validated by others, I was going to have a tough life. Because there is no amount of external appreciation or validation that will make up for the appreciation and validation of self first. I had to learn to appreciate myself first, become my biggest advocate so my cup would be filled from the inside. Then when I was appreciated by others, it felt like a cherry on the cake. You no longer are subject to manipulation, which will piss people off. So be ready to stand in your power with grace!

This experience gave me so much clarity, and I thank this person every day for this gift. They helped me overcome my final insecurities, and step into my power, walk away from their manipulation and drama, and embrace what is real and authentic from a place of worthiness. I wish them nothing but love and healing, and I am glad they are no longer part of my life experience as my sense of peace has been restored.

Once you overcome your fear of not belonging, you will start seeking out communities who grow your soul, not your CV. Take the time to get to know people, to understand and reflect if your core values are aligned and if you are in a psychologically safe space to show up as your authentic self.

Becoming a better parent as a result

I believe many parents will resonate when they want to do everything in their power to not repeat the same mistakes as their parents. In reality, our parents did what they did based on the information they had and what they thought was best for us. In the beginning, when my son confronted me with bullying he faced based on his skin color, I was furious.

Imagine a momma bear ready to attack and protect her offspring! I was mad at the school, I was mad at those kids, and I was mad at myself as I did not know what to do and how to protect him from this pain. I preferred to suffer myself rather than see him suffer.

What I realized is that he needs these emotional experiences to build life skills of resiliency and become a strong man who is sensitive on the inside and bold on the outside. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that he needs the experience of bullying. I am still fearful every day if he will get bullied again, and I hope we continue as a society to stand against bullying in any shape or form. Whether it is in the schoolyard, in the playground, online, or in the workplace.

It is not okay, and it never will be okay to use human suffering for our own personal gains.

But what I did learn is to focus on what is in my locus of control and that is to make him feel seen, feel appreciated, and feel included just as he is. I helped him understand that we are all unique human beings and that what other people think is weird or an anomaly is our gift in this world.

My son has my sensitivity levels in the sense that he sees the world in a unique way and has a big heart for humanity. Even bigger than mine because he is still at the beginning of his life. I don't feed his mind with hate and anger, but I try to explain that people are complex and act from a place of wanting to fit in and belong. It is never personal even if it feels that way. The most important thing is for him to feel safe with me and in our home to explore his personality, to explore his creativity. My responsibility as his parent is to guide him, to help him develop a sense of accountability for his actions, and to support his growth.

The life lesson I learned from my own fear of not belonging is to not project it on my child. To give him a chance to see life and others from a different perspective, and not let my past experiences taint his future. Sometimes I fail miserably, and sometimes it works like a charm. But in all cases, we learn and grow from each experience from a place of worthiness, and never ever from a place of the wound.

I hope that today's reflections will inspire you to see others from a different lens, one of curiosity rather than judgment. To let go of past pain and free yourself to accept yourself first and foremost. The desire to belong is human nature and perhaps one of our most important desires of all.

We are social beings, not meant to live alone. I learned that people who pride themselves on being alone actually are saying that they feel unsafe to be around other people. I was one of those people, and in some ways, I still am. Every day I try my best to see the good in people, to see the past for what it was, to grow and move forward with optimism.

Thank you for being part of this community, and I look forward to sharing my reflection on the final and third part related to our fear of failure.

Love, Nadja ?? ?????