Power of saying 'NO'
It’s just a simple little word comprised of two letters. ‘No’. You’d think it’d be easy; but for a lot of people it’s the most difficult word to say. They avoid it like the plague. If they say the ‘no’ word they can feel they are being rude, unhelpful or selfish. They may even think that people won’t like them and can feel unlovable as a result.
By avoiding saying ‘no’ we can turn into Yes Men (or women)!! And who likes a Yes Man??
The consequence of not saying ‘no’ is that it can leave us feeling passive, unassertive and used. We may even feel angry at ourselves for saying ‘yes’ or even angry at the person who asked you to do something. Spending all this time on other people’s needs and not your own can foster long term resentment.
Saying ‘no’ can seem difficult. Sometimes you genuinely want to help out or be a part of something but because you have too much going on you just can’t. Some people may be afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings or causing conflict. While others may be experiencing a fear of missing out on future opportunities if they say ‘no’ this one time.
Saying ‘no’ doesn’t have to end in conflict, nor burning bridges or missed opportunities. In fact, asserting yourself helps to increase your sense of self-worth. Expressing your needs and wants effectively is the way to go.
So, what can I do right now?
Firstly, if you are unsure don’t make a decision. Take time. Ask yourself, do I want to do the task? Have I enough resources, time or energy for the task? What would happen if I said No? (If I get a negative internal response to the latter question ask yourself is my response fact or opinion?). Am I exaggerating the probable outcome into something very negative? In the past did my worries actually work out as I had expected?
The polite ‘No’
When faced with the pressure of a request from another person we can sometimes jump straight into saying ‘yes’ and regret it afterwards. What would happen if you changed your response to ‘Thank you but I’m unavailable’, or ‘Thanks but that doesn’t suit me right now’? In the beginning you might find your stomach doing backflips with worry or you might feel waves of guilt. These feelings of guilt will pass in time as saying ‘no’ becomes more natural to you.
Over explaining
When you say ‘no’ be careful not to over explain yourself. There can be a tendency to soften the ‘no’ by going into great detail the reason(s) you are unable to help the other person. Stop! As a philosopher once said ‘you’re friends don’t need to know and your enemies won’t believe you’.
Over explaining can make you seem weak and unsure and may even lead to the other person trying to find ways to turn your ‘no’ into a ‘yes’.
‘No’ means NO…
Once you say ‘no’, stick to it. When we say ‘no’ to others we are creating limits / boundaries with them. It shows people how we want to be treated and what we are and are not willing to do. For some people, there may be an adjustment period as you begin to say ‘no’. They aren’t used to you declining things. They may be so used to you always saying ‘yes’ that they are surprised when you don’t do so. But remember, when they ask something of you, they are asking to have their needs met. When you say ‘no’ you are doing the same thing. Balance is being restored.
It may unnatural at first to say ‘no’, but with time, setting up boundaries and saying ‘no’ will allow you to take back time for yourself, and to stop feeling so guilty when you do say no. It’s time for some self-care and saying “yes” to yourself is a big start.
Kevin Solon