The Power of Restraint is the Greatest Display of Power by Marc LeVine

“Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken." ―?Orson Scott Card

A soft skill that doesn’t get enough attention is RESTRAINT.??Should I, or shouldn’t I??Yes, this question has a lot to do with emotional intelligence and frankly – common sense.

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We all know people who boast that they are straight shooters and will always tell you what is on their minds.?They’ll try and sell us on their idea that it is much better to deal with a straight shooter than someone, who talks behind our backs.?With a straight shooter, you’ll never get stabbed in the back, they say.?

Truth is that most straight shooters ae highly opinioned and often insensitive people operating without any filters.?They assume that the same rules for relationships apply to everyone and anyone. They rarely take the time to discern who can take brutal comments and who may be more sensitive to them.?That differentiation matter not to many, who feel the need to just “get something off their chests.” Collateral damage notwithstanding.

Sometimes we must pivot to a Phillips head screwdriver when a flathead screwdriver won’t turn the screw. ?Same with people. ?Some of us prefer to learn by reading, others by doing.?Some of us are introverts and some are extraverts. We process things differently.?No one should be forced by anyone else to be just like them and to embrace their personalities as discordantly as they may be.

Some awful things have been said to people at the wrong times by so-called straight shooters.?I have a family member who managed a team and berated one employee for coming to work heartsick as her mother lay on her deathbed.?I believe her exacts words to her employee were “don’t bring your personal problems to work. It is too much of a downer.”?This was a relative who was very proud to call herself a straight shooter.?We all thought of her more as a cold, indifferent and insensitive big mouth without a clue.

There are times when we all must exercise restraint, especially at work.?Not everyone wants to know what we are thinking about them.?It may be our own personal opinions we wish to share and they are not always appropriate in every situation.?After all, who the heck are we anyway that we believe every opinion we hold matters to everyone else??“You should eat at home more often and save your money.”?Really??“Well, maybe you should use the money you are saving by eating at home more often to get your kids the braces they need.”?Nice comeback, but who eventually wins this shootout?

We all see where this is going, don’t we??And this tit for tat may be happening at work? Not a good look. What is taking place here is a breakdown of respectful communication and of key working relationships.?It can easily lead to a total collapse in the ability to collaborate with others, since the mood has been made toxic.?Observing this, the entire team may no longer feel comfortable working with the now infamous highly opinionated, straight shooter(s).

Here are some tips to not be that person that nobody wants to hear brutal truths from:

1.??????The same rules of communication do not apply in all cases. ?Become a better listener and get to know more about the people you are among.?What sort of people are they??What kinds of things are they talking about and at what depth??Some people are more private than others. Others are more candid.?Some may be rather blunt.?Yet, others are more considerate. ?Figure things out before inserting your whole self into the mix.?This doesn’t mean not being genuine.?It just means we all must be a little more sensitive to the ways of others.?Some call it, showing tact.

2.??????Listen carefully to others and pay close attention to their body language.?We all send out signals to others as we listen to them speak. ?Try telling a dirty joke to a set of parents when their young children are present.?Better yet.?Don’t!?Guaranteed, it won’t go over well.

3.??????Our opinions don’t always matter and not everyone always wants to hear them.?Some of the most successful businesspeople in the world can draw a crowd around them when they begin talking about what got them to where they are.?Those very same wunderkinds may be totally clueless about unrelated topics but have come to believe they are experts on just about everything.?That would be the appropriate time for the over-zealous pontificators to step away from their pulpit, stop preaching and just become part of “those in attendance.”

4.??????Rudeness is never welcome. Measure your words.?How we say things matters. We must choose our words carefully and guard our tone.?I know some people who can tell others to “go to hell” without them even realizing they were insulted.?There are far better ways to show disagreement and dissatisfaction with others without having to rock the ground beneath their ancestors’ feet.?We can be direct and subtle at the same time and still get important points across without blowing up our relationships and embarrassing ourselves.

5.??????Learn as you grow.?Emotional intelligence grows on us as it grows with us.?We learn great lessons from life as we live it.?We should learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them too often.?Only a fool keeps doing the same things expecting different results.?And, yet in a world filled with diversity, things may be different on a case-by-case basis. ?We must keep paying close attention to the ways of every person we meet, cherish their individuality, and make mental notes about their ways.

When we realize we are attracting more people to us and building great relationships with them we are essentially getting great feedback from the Universe. The Universe is telling us that we are on the right track with others and engaging our hearts and minds instead of spewing toxicity from our livers. ?We must be thoughtful and use restraint – whenever necessary - in the ways we relate to others.?

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The Author

Listen to Marc's latest interview on “Failing for You” with Jordan Yates

Marc LeVine is a graduate of Syracuse (NY) University with a degree in Industrial Psychology, Marc is currently Talent Acquisitions and Learning and Development Lead at Thermo Systems. He is the recipient of the Excellence in Talent Acquisitions Award from HR Awards in 2021.

Marc's prior employment includes senior Human Resources and Staffing Industry management roles with Edgewood Properties in Piscataway, NJ, Brickforce Staffing in Edison, NJ, InfoPro Inc. in Woodbridge NJ and Plainsboro, NJ and Harvard Industries in Farmingdale, NJ, a former Fortune 500 company. He also served as Director of Human Resources for New Jersey Press, the parent company of the Asbury Park Press, Home News and Tribune and WKXW-NJ101.5. Earlier in his career, Marc served as Director of Career Services and Placement at Union Technical Institute in Eatontown and Neptune, NJ. In addition, Marc owned and operated Integrity Consulting Associates, a New Jersey based Human Resources and Social Media Marketing firm for 11 years. Marc also served as Council President in his hometown of Freehold Borough, NJ