The Power of Regret

Introduction?

There are songs.?

And there are tattoos proclaiming-

“No regrets”!?

What is regret??

Regret is a feeling-

It's stomach churning-

It crushes you with the thought that the present could have been better IF only the wrong turn was avoided.?

It's a comparison between what happened and what could've happened.?

But is it bad??

Or is it something that makes us a human and … a better human??

This book is a musing exploration of the same.?

Why does regret make us human??

It starts with a discontent with the present. Then there's comparison with an imagined alternative.?

If only I had taken bus number 22!?

Counterfactual thinking, for one is going beyond the facts.?

This is because humans are a cognitive machinery and can label the feelings and think about them.?

At least and if Only's!?

The solace of at least …?

The sting of if only …?

I smile as I hum this, for so often we use one for comfort and the other to scold ourselves.?

At Least gives us a silver lining, but if only … It's a propeller that pushes us forward to change.?

Why does regret make us better??

Or does it??

It does, only if managed well!?

That needs work.?

Regret is a feeling and using it as a compass to navigate the needs and lessons is an actionable outcome.?

There are three ways that one can handle regretful feelings:

1. Ignore them and delude oneself.
2. Ruminate on them and feel despair.?
3. Extract learning and make better decisions in future.

Let's try to move to 3 from 1.?

I over committed myself to projects. When all of them got intense I cracked and burnt.?

I would've lost it all!?

Well in time I dropped the one that took maximum energy and gave minimum happiness.?

This is a financial hit, so I downsized my life.?

At least there's leisure time which I can fill with happy tasks.?

• My work quality is better (performance booster)?
• Financials are hit so I have downsized the expenses (better decisions)?
• I am a better person as I slowly revise my goals (deepening meaning)?

It's a daily effort to not move into ignoring or ruminating.?

It's worth it!?

At least I found this book!?

Regret on the surface.?

What do people regret??

Oh! So much of it…?

The surface incidents are so many. However, the basic need behind it all boils down to -?

Four core regrets

1. Foundation - not building a base of financials, health and relationships.?
2. Boldness - not taking risks or inaction at an opportune moment.?
3. Moral - taking the low road or not looking at the sense of right or wrong.?
4. Connection - neglecting relationships letting them drift away!?

I've indulged in keeping 2 and 3 stable while neglecting 1 and 4. Hence I'm making amends now!?

Foundation-

-comes from the deepest need we have of stability, less uncertainty and more leisure time for meaningful tasks. This regret comes for not creating a safety net for oneself.?

Boldness-

-comes from the need for growth and expansion to enjoy the richness of life, from our authentic core.?

Moral-

-deep within our DNA is our desire to be good, to be right and fair. This is visceral and intuitive.?

Connection-

-the deep need is to connect, stay attached and have a community around us.?

Opportunity and Obligation?

There is an actual self-

There is an ‘ought to’ self-

There is an ideal self?-

The ought to self-pushes the actual self to feel obliged to move or creates regret.

The ideal self creates regret of lost opportunities as the actual self refuses to act.?

I have ALL of this!?

What do we do then??

Undoing and Atleasting!?

• Undo it, if it is possible.?
• At least it, if it is not possible.?

Undo happens when we can go back and change the event that led to regret. Call that friend, take that trip or drink that drink!?

If undo is not possible, change how you feel about it by looking at the silver lining.?

I lost half of my projects for I overshot but at least it made me re-evaluate all my goals and revamp my life!?

I was harsh with people, and they left me but at least now I'm watchful and mindful with people.?

Try it… at least … it shifts the energy inside.?

Can we do something else??

Yes, there are tools!?        

Disclosure, Compassion, Distance?

1. Self-disclosure - spend 15 min a day, every day, and write or talk to yourself or someone else about your regret. Take help of the cognition to convert the emotional blob to a concrete structure. Try it!?
2. Compassion - look at yourself as a friend. What would you say to help the friend neutralize the pain of regret? Try it!?
3. Distance - my personal favourite - zoom out as a detached observer and extract “the lesson”! Be far away in space or 10 years in future and use 3rd person language. Try it!?

Anticipatory Regret

Do a pre-mortem!?

What will happen if I choose A over B??

Will after some time I feel any regrets from the cluster of (1) foundation, (2) boldness, (3) moral or (4) connection??

What is the worst that can happen??

Not too much?

Not too little?

Or one would be caught in analysis paralysis.?

If the decision doesn't affect any of the four needs, choose one and go ahead!?        

If it does, then hit the pause!        

Finally - Redemption?        

We are human, we are storytellers with our own narrative. We can speak our stories in contaminated thoughts or redeeming. 1st leads to toxicity and 2nd to joy.?        

The journey is called ‘being a human’. Enjoy it!