The Power of (Receiving) Feedback

There was a scripture phrase from the book of Proverbs that we would have to recite multiple times a week as a child. The phrase was, "Whoever loves instruction, loves knowledge, But he who hates correction?is?stupid." (Proverbs 12:1). My father would even take it one step further and ask, "Is what?" when we would finish saying the phrase to which we would need to yell, "IS STUPID." It bothered me so much to say that phrase, even if it were true. Even with this phrase drilled into my head, I had a hard time receiving critical feedback for most of my early adult life.

We often say that "Feedback is a gift" to soften critical feedback's impact. Being told that you are doing something incorrectly can be a huge blow to the ego, so we look for ways to make it more acceptable. Leaders must constantly give positive and critical feedback to their teams to achieve their goals. They must balance the way, timing, word choice, and audience for feedback. We have covered how to give feedback in previous articles, so today, we are going to focus on the five steps to receiving critical or negative feedback.

1. Gratitude - Most people know how hard it is to give critical feedback. The fact that someone took time out of their busy schedule and left their comfort zone to give you feedback should be acknowledged with gratitude. Yes, it is hard to be grateful when you feel attacked or criticized. The best way around that is to build a default "Thank you for the feedback" response. It should be genuine, or people won't give you more feedback.
2. Reflect - Our default response is to defend ourselves or attack the person giving the feedback. It goes back to the "Fight, Flight, or Freeze" part of our brain. While that was true when living in a cave 10,000 years ago, we now have better options. Take a breath, say "thank you," and just pause.
3. Clarify - Our brains tend to shut down when we get feedback and don't hear the whole story. The reason why we show our gratitude and reflect for a moment before we respond is to put ourselves back in a more neutral, open mindset. From here, we can clarify the feedback to understand better and assess its legitimacy. The key is to have an attitude of searching for an answer, not attacking or defending. You can ask questions like:

• Can you help me better understand the issue?
• Can you give me more details on what you observe?
• How often do you see this happening?
• What was the impact of my behavior from your perspective?
• Is it getting better or worse?
• Has there been a time when I handled it better?

4. Process - Getting critical feedback, especially serious behavior issues, takes time to process. There is usually some deeper issue that is showing up in your behavior. Talking to a professional who can help you better understand and manage it is a great way to change the underlying issue. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Thank you for the feedback and clarification. Would it be ok if I take some time to think about this and come back with my own thoughts at a later time?" Separate the message from the messenger and really look at it for what it's worth. Ask yourself if this is valuable information from a trusted source concerned with my overall success. Ask others that trust if they see the same type of behavior.

5. Improve - Do what you need to do to improve the deficient area(s). Take the time and do the work, especially if it's hard to change. Get yourself in the mindset of constantly improving, and it will make it much easier to take in feedback and adjust accordingly.

The power move is to go back to the person who originally gave you the feedback and ask them to re-evaluate your performance. They should have a vested interest in seeing you respond to the feedback they gave you and will usually appreciate the fact that you listened to them.

Critical feedback can be challenging to give and receive, but with an open, curious mind, you can use the gift to its greatest potential.

Feedback truly is a gift, so please keep it coming! I welcome all feedback in order to provide even greater value for you. Leave a comment, send a DM, or contact me directly. Thank you!