The power of quitting

I was listening to Dan Harris (from the Happier podcast) and Julia Keller talk about the Science of Quitting the other day and I am such a quitter that I nearly quit listening in the first 5 minutes, but listen, I kept driving.

And Dan said something like: …but knowing when to quit a toxic job or relationship isn’t the same as being able to quit smoking or some other addiction is it…?

And suddenly I’m all ears, and both Dan’s and my brains synchronise because we both suddenly get it at the same time - yes it is. YES IT IS.

And suddenly all those years I spent hating on myself because I’m such a quitter took on a whole new perspective. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had to learn how to stick at things, and learning how to finish a big project, sticking with things even when they’re hard, or especially when they’re hard, has been one of the most important pieces of self work I’ve done.

BUT at my heart, I have no problem quitting something when it isn’t working for me anymore. Because I am a quitter. I gave up social smoking after more than two decades because one day it made me feel sick. So I just stopped. Rarely thought about smoking again. I quit university after 6 months when I was 18. Never regretted it. Did another degree when I was older and knew what I wanted. I have quit community groups, bad hairdressers, and friendships that no longer nourished. I quit a 23 year relationship last year - although it could be said that both qualities of quitting and staying were in evidence there.

I had to make another 'shall I stay or shall I go' decision today. I did the first year of my Masters last year. I did well, was even awarded the Dean's Award for Academic Achievement. Was that cool? Yes. Did it nearly kill me? Also yes. Could I put less effort in? No.

So anyway, it was time to start my second year. I'd chosen to do a certificate in Community Leadership and Resilience - interesting huh? I thought so too. But as the date crept closer, I became more and more anxious, because I know how much work is involved. Weekends, mornings, evenings all sacrificed on the altar of my education.

This morning I sat down and opened up my course and had a good look at it - what I needed to do, how many hours, what I would be learning. I even started taking some notes. And then I compared the feeling in my body when I envisioned the next two years finishing my Masters (tight, anxious, trapped), to the feeling in my body when I imagined NOT studying (expansive, relaxed, free).

Readers, I am not an idiot, and I am also a quitter, so I contacted the university, and asked to withdraw from my course. I have done the equivalent of a Post-graduate certificate in Communications, which goes just fine with my Bachelor of Digital Media and Communication that's only 2 years old.

The thing is, my life is quite a bit different from when I embarked on my Masters more than 12 months ago. I'm now a single mother, with fulltime care of my teen daughter, working fulltime, and taking care of a one acre property out of town. It didn't make sense to hold myself to something I embarked on in a different set of circumstances. So, I quit.

Being called a quitter in our culture is not a compliment. But here’s the thing: knowing when to quit things that are bad for you is an art, and it can save your life. I think about someone I know who is not a quitter. They can’t quit anything. No matter how bad, how nonsensical, irrelevant or toxic. The art is knowing when to quit and when to stay, and to give yourself permission to do what is needed at any given time.

And it really made me think - if my ability to quit is actually a superpower, what other character trait our culture doesn’t approve of could actually be a hidden strength?