The Power of Presence
Stephen Gray Wallace
Author, Commentator, Professor, Psychologist, Researcher, Scholar, Speaker
Being present in young people’s lives, whether as a parent, grandparent, teacher, coach, or mentor, can make a definitive difference in youth mental health and decision-making.
Adults can play a pivotal role in helping young people make good choices and achieve better mental health, and they can also provide a safety net in times of need.
Mountains of research support this superpower.
Perhaps especially in adolescence, when youth begin to traverse the developmental demand of identity formation, they are likely to seek out feedback and – more important – conversation about the vagaries of these critical years. You can trust that they really do want to know what you think and what your hopes and expectations are with regard to the choices they face and the decisions they make.
Indeed, conversations can not only help young people make good choices but also protect them from “making mistakes” that can injure them physically, socially, and emotionally, and, in some cases, keep them alive.
An unprecedented time marked by soaring rates of youth mental illness (especially anxiety and depression) leads us to frightening data about the prevalence of self-harm and suicide.
Yet many adults dread sparking and sustaining dialogue with kids. Note that these are not, and should not be, “one-time” conversations but rather an ongoing thread of love, support, and, when necessary, discipline.
The truth is that during their teenage years, young people need their parents more than at any other time in their lifespan save for early infancy. Yet it is also a time when many adults “check out,” effectively leaving kids to their own devices and their peers’ influence to chart moral and ethical decision-making.
Regardless of your formal role in young people’s lives, it is essential that you remain present, which goes beyond just communication. In other words, “just being there” is a game-changer.
In a guest turn for National Public Radio’s “This I Believe,” psychologist Debbie Hall shares her experience with the concept in an essay titled “The Power of Presence.” She shares the following (Hall, 2005).
I was recently reminded of this belief when I and several other Red Cross volunteers met a group of evacuees from Hurricane Katrina. We were there, as mental health professionals, to offer “psychological first aid.” Despite all the training in how to “debrief,” to educate about stress reactions and to screen for those needing therapy, I was struck again by the simple healing power of presence. Even as we walked in the gate to the shelter, we were greeted with an ardent burst of gratitude from the first person we encountered. I felt appreciated, but vaguely guilty, because I hadn’t really done anything yet.
Presence is a noun, not a verb; it is a state of being, not doing. States of being are not highly valued in a culture which places a high priority on doing. Yet, true presence or “being with” another person carries with it a silent power — to bear witness to a passage, to help carry an emotional burden or to begin a healing process. In it, there is an intimate connection with another that is perhaps too seldom felt in a society that strives for ever-faster connectivity.
I was first hurled into an ambivalent presence many years ago, when a friend’s mother died unexpectedly. I had received a phone call from the hospital where she had just passed away. Part of me wanted to rush down there, but another part of me didn’t want to intrude on this acute and very personal phase of grief. I was torn about what to do. Another friend with me at the time said, “Just go. Just be there.” I did, and I will never regret it.
Since that formative moment, I have not hesitated to be in the presence of others for whom I could “do” nothing. I sat at the bedside, with other friends, of a young man in a morphine coma to blunt the pain of his AIDS-related dying. We spoke to him about his inevitable journey out of this life. He later told his parents — in a brief moment of lucidity — that he had felt us with him. Another time I visited a former colleague dying of cancer in a local hospice. She too was not awake, and presumably unaware of others’ presence with her. The atmosphere was by no means solemn. Her family had come to terms with her passing and were playing guitars and singing. They allowed her to be present with them as though she were still fully alive. With therapy clients, I am still pulled by the need to do more than be, yet repeatedly struck by the healing power of connection created by being fully there in the quiet understanding of another. In it, none of us are truly alone.
The power of presence is not a one-way street, not only something we give to others. It always changes me, and always for the better.
Alas, it is that very presence that inevitably leads to life-changing conversations.
Want some tips? The following guidance for having conversations with teenagers can be found in the book Connect With Your Teenager (or someone else’s).
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Teens’ emotions are very strong, and they act like they don’t need you anymore. But in reality, you need to be more present than ever. But how can you be there for them? How can you keep your connection? How can you stay calm with all their “weird” and “crazy” ideas and styles?
What if we told you that parenting your teenager can be fun and easy?
Imagine a roadmap that takes your relationship with your teenager to a?beautiful and connected place. You can reach your goals …
You are probably asking yourself questions like
You will get the answers to all these questions … but for now, let’s think a bit differently.
What if you ask yourself different questions?
A lot can change by simply phrasing your questions a bit differently (Mrgol and Mrgol, 2017).
For parents and other caring adults who want to start these life-changing conversations, there’s no time like the present.
Stephen Gray Wallace, M.S. Ed., is a doctoral candidate in the Institute for Ethical Leadership at St. Thomas University in Miami. He is also an associate research professor and president and director of the Center for Adolescent Research and Education (CARE). Stephen has broad experience as a school psychologist and adolescent/family counselor. He is a member of the professional development faculties at the American Academy of Family Physicians and American Camp Association and a parenting expert at kidsinthehouse.com, NBC News Learn, and WebMD. He is also an expert partner at RANE (Risk Assistance Network & Exchange) and was national chairman and chief executive officer at SADD for 16 years. Stephen is an award-winning writer and author of the books?Reality Gap, IMPACT, and Bad Blood??Additional information about Stephen’s work can be found at StephenGrayWallace.com.
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REFERENCES
Hall, D. (2005). The power of presence. All Things Considered. December 26, 2005. National Public Radio. https://www.npr.org/2005/12/26/5064534/the-power-of-presence (3 Oct. 2022).
Mrgole, L. and A. Mrgole. (2017). Connect with your teenager: A guide to everyday parenting. April 18, 2017. Vezal Institute. https://vezal.si/en/connectwithyourteenager/ (3 Oct. 2022).
Wallace, S. (2022). Unprepared: why kids are anxious, lonely, and depressed. Psychology Today. September 20, 2022. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/decisions-teens-make/202209/unprepared-why-kids-are-anxious-lonely-and-depressed (3 Oct. 2022).