Power Play - the ways we give away, take and hold power

Sarah is in a role which has early access to confidential information. She is someone who values harmony and collaboration. Which means, individuals feeling good in every interaction is important for her. So, when her good friend Kiran, wistfully remarks "you must know everything first around here, while the rest of us get to know only later"..it triggers a feeling of guilt and Sarah feels the pressure to share a little more than she ideally would. She also values being responsible, honest and adheres to protocols, it bothers her when she? bends rules and views slightest deviation as a mistake. Tossing around that evening she is conflicted - why do I give in to please? Why didn't I hold back and acknowledge, yes it is true and not say more. The discomfort in managing the interaction also made her project and feel a tad manipulated into oversharing …she walks around the next few days a little in fear and worry.

In addition to the obvious spaces where there is a systemic or structural power difference, even in relationship between equals, there are underlying power dynamics. It is key to note that there is a wide spectrum in power exchanges - subtle to explicit . What are some of the common patterns , what underlies these behaviors and what can one do about it?

• We play “the Duff” :? Think about situations where we go out our way to please, over extend so there is no cause for complaint, what the other thinks matters more, we crave to be part of the inner circle, feel a little high when given a pat on the back - in a nutshell we voluntarily put the other on a pedestal and become the #Duff ?

“Comparison” drives us to give away our power - when we believe the other is smarter, or better looking and sophisticated, has impressive achievements, or access to what we value - acts of subservience surface in spaces where we feel “we are not enough as we are ” and believe that connection will elevate us somehow.

• We play “hold & exclude” : Scenarios where we are not transparent on purpose, don't permit a competent individual to take decisions or execute independently, put someone down - innocuously cancelling remarks, judge based on social stereotype, induce guilt for not following norms, isolate so they conform - in short we amplify disappointment to shrink the other.?

“Insecurity” leads to holding back to safeguard our power. Lack of belief in oneself leads to the need to diminish others to feel better. Fear that if we don't hold the reins, we will be left behind or seen as the lesser one, motivates one to exercise caution.?

• We play “Holier than thou”: Moments we don't listen fully - form response while the other speaks, quick to advise and provide our point of view, dismissive of the others ideas and asserting our opinion, agitation when individuals don't follow or agree to our suggestions - in brief we believe we know better and are #wiser.

“Powerlessness” in certain aspects in the journey of our life possibly drives us to seek control where there is an opportunity. Over indexing that we know better, dominating conversations, taking onus to drive things on behalf of others - We take control believing it addresses the imbalance of power we internally experience.?

Observing ones patterns, building awareness and being honest about the lacunae the power we exercise or give away fills, comes first.

• True appreciation and acceptance that every individual including ourselves, have admirable strengths and also areas of lack, allows us to cultivate the sense of being sufficient, and not get carried away by the partial aspects of the person we get to see. We can then lead with confidence.?- "We may not be equal in parts but are equal as a whole"
• Recognizing that we are all interconnected and interdependent with capability to complement each other helps overcome insecurities. Sense of abundance that we all have enough opportunities to shine allows us to lead with empathy and compassion. "Every role and contribution is worthy in the holistic scheme of things , it is our perception that attaches relative importance"
• Acknowledging that the best amongst us has experienced powerlessness at some point, helps us know the only power we truly have is the power to control our mindset, actions and destiny! - aiding to lead with equity & respect. "Recognize every phase is ephemeral to ride the waves with equanimity"