‘The Power of the Pause – Where the Magic Happens ’– By Allen Martin – Business Consultant, Sales / Development Trainer and Accredited Executive Coach

This is Article 1 of a wonderful new series

Sunday, March 25th 2018

'Create the space to find your truth, and pause.' - Rachael O'Meara

I have long been curious why something so formless, something so silent and something so often seen as inconsequential intrigues me so much?

Often without the knowledge of the participants it guides conversations, it leads and paces and when knowingly consciously or subconsciously used by parties can be a powerful tool in our personal communication toolbox.

In this first article of the series, I will be exploring specifically about ‘the power of the pause’ within the communication cycle, why it is so valuable to be aware of it, and how you can use it in your everyday conversations, in coaching and training sessions and in every telephone interaction to glean so much more from the spoken word, to increase your awareness and take your conversations and interactions to a whole new level.

In subsequent articles, I will be exploring the many other areas of how we can use many elements of tone and body language to influence those around us to have deeper and richer conversations and get even better results every time.

My second article being published on Monday, April 2nd is entitled 'Empathic Listening - Dancing in the moment'

Citing the well known Albert Mehrabian model of communication, that the spoken word accounts for only 7% of the communication, tone is 38% and body language is 55%, and yet in most societies and cultures the spoken word is ‘king’ and how we decide and base most decisions in the world.

We wonder why so often there is disagreement, misunderstanding and conflict and where with a little more understanding and awareness of how we are communicating and how our messages are being received, this can bring so much more harmony, understanding and ultimately a win-win interdependent agreement.

Imagine what would happen if we all took so much more notice and we all became so much more aware of the 93%? Wow – what a difference that will make!

I wonder how much as humans we are aware enough of the ‘Meta Game’.

The ‘Meta Game’ being what is really going on under the surface of the words when people are speaking to each other. The ‘meta game’ is the elusive and often hidden 93%, a small part of which we will explore today.

I like to think of the communication using the metaphor of the cake. The words are what you can hear on the surface being the icing, the candles, the bows and ribbons, the hundreds and thousands, (the 7%). It is not until you cut into the cake you can really taste its essence. You find out if it’s a victoria sponge or a chocolate cake or something even more mysterious and exciting. It is only when we deeply empathically listen to the words that people say, and we become even more aware of the pausing, the pace, the stressing, the pitch, the speed, the rhythm, the rise and fall, the emphasis – and so much more – and this is what they are really saying. (the 38%).

How many times has someone said something to you and the words are exactly what you wanted to hear, yet something just did not feel right. Your gut instinct, your inner wisdom is telling you that there is a dissonance between the words you are hearing and what you truly believe they mean?

You ask someone a question. Noticing a slight hesitation, a pause prior to someone replying can give you an idea that maybe some internal dialogue is taking place prior to the person replying. Noticing this, together with other variations of tone and body language can give you a real advantage in the conversation and will allow you to probe further. ‘I noticed when you replied to me there was something else you maybe you wanted to tell me’ could be one of many possible responses which will allow the recipient to speak further and elucidate other important information.

Recently I was running a coaching session. This was the third session with the coachee and a deeper rapport had already been established. We were exploring a subject where the coachee had to search more deeply within themselves for the response. I asked the question and then…..silence……and silence…and I waited.

Fully 4 minutes later, having searched deep within themselves the pearls of wisdom that were unleashed were truly incredible and led finally, after lots of further interaction to the ultimate successful conclusion. Any interruption in this internal dialogue would have broken the internal flow and the magic would have been missed.

Those 4 minutes were incredible watching the coachee access deeper within themselves and noticing the powerful body language leakage that was telling me the ‘cogs were whirring’.

Now I’m not saying that you should be waiting 4 minutes in any of your conversations with people. What I am saying is that often the first reply that people give you may be the 'first layer of the onion', there is often so much more that people want to say before we speak about ourselves and what we have done. If you are feeling or noticing that someone needs and wants to say more - a simple ‘and’ ‘and then’…’anything else’ or a plain and simple ‘pause’ will give the recipient some more time and space to go deeper – and they will value, the communication so much more and the response will be more colourful, powerful and empathic. In my experience this is where their true motivations of either ‘need’, ‘want’, ‘desire’ or ‘problem’ (the 4 core human motivations to do anything) are more likely disclosed as often our deeper and true motivations are hidden well below the surface.

The recipient will so appreciate this, even though they may not make you immediately aware. They will be aware that you are listening more deeply, you are empathising, and you are caring about what they are saying. You will likely be doing this with people you already value more, you have a great rapport and empathy with.

The challenges and opportunities are to make every effort to do this as much as you can with everybody you meet. This will develop you personally and help create a powerful personal brand for yourself which people will truly remember and take away with them from your communication.

It takes courage and bravery for you to listen to the silence, accept the silence, celebrate the silence as it is in the ‘power of the pause’ and in the silence that the magic often happens. The place where we can have some space in a busy world, to deeply think, to reflect and to search for the true answer that you were seeking. Too often we are having conversations with the people around us and everyone is chomping at the bit to speak. The millisecond there is any pause for any kind of reflection the space is filled. Pausing and reflection is at a real premium in our busy world and the more we become aware of this – the alchemy of the non-verbal 93% - we will all begin to truly win the game more often than we currently do.

I will sometimes be in one of the many training sessions I facilitate with a group of people and ask a question…and will wait and wait for a response if one is not immediately forthcoming. Everyone looks around at everyone else, and they look at me and I’m sure they think that I have lost the flow….and then someone will fill the silence and everyone takes a huge sigh of relief and normality has been restored. If no-one speaks I will ask. ‘how was that pause and silence for you?’ The responses are usually fascinating and range from total awkwardness to feeling uncomfortable and the rarer person who revelled in it.

It is incredible how so many people in today’s world find silence and pausing so awkward and have a deep desire to fill the space. This is another wonderful tool that you can use in your communications. Use your own silence to encourage others to speak and to fill the space. This is a real win-win for both people in the communication as it allows you to take more control, to glean and learn more information and it allows the other party to speak and impart valuable information – and let’s face it…people love to speak about themselves and tell you what they are doing, where they have been and share their experiences – and we are a willing deeper listener ! Wow - a true win-win !

Culturally, pausing and silence is a fascinating area. There is a cultural need in most societies to fill silence as we feel uncomfortable with it. In ‘higher context’ cultures (Asia, Southern Europe, Middle East) where developing trust in relationships is even more valuable prior to anyone doing any business with anyone, they are more comfortable with pauses and silence and even celebrate the peace and quiet. In our busy world in more ‘lower context’ type cultures (UK, France, USA, Scandinavia, Germany), its go go go, everything is 100 miles an hour – how we speak – how we listen and how we communicate and we are less aware and seem to less value the jewels that are there in front of us which we chose to more often than not take less notice of.

Many of the great public speakers use the ‘power of the pause’ to build excitement and anticipation. Many famous speakers in history including Winston Churchill, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton used the ‘power of the pause’ to incredible effect – to galvanise an audience, to build anticipation and excitement, to take the audience on a journey and to help lead the audience to their own personal promised land.

Many of the traditional reasons that pausing is so powerful also merit a mention. Pausing also allows us to process information, buys us time, positively effects our breathing and stimulates attentiveness. – it really is the secret ingredient and it is imperative that all the correct elements of the communication are added with the right proportions and consistency otherwise the cake will not rise and the results, as with our communication will be flat and uninspiring. With the right ingredients, the cake will rise like a dream and all will truly enjoy and revel in the experience of the full 55/38/7.

In conclusion pausing demonstrates confidence, authority, courage and gravitas and elicits a much deeper empathic relationship with whom you are communicating. Becoming more comfortable with your own silence, the silence of others and recognise the value of your own personal awareness of the ‘the power of the pause’ and ‘the meta game’ which are truly the missing ingredients that will propel all your communications from good to great.

'The pause is as important as the note' - Truman Fisher

Allen Martin is a Business Consultant, Sales/ Development Trainer and Accredited Executive Coach currently working in the fields of Media, Finance, Commodities and Charities to help both individuals and groups develop their own personal toolboxes and become even more accomplished versions of themselves.