The Power of the Pause: Helpful Tips to Manage Your Emotions and Response in Conflict

We have all been there.

I’ve been there. Many times.

It’s something we can’t avoid, and we can’t always prepare for it either – the emotional ‘conflicts’ we experience in our workplace. It doesn’t matter if it’s your boss, your direct reports, or your peers - it’s ugly. No-one wants to choose conflict over what we all find so difficult – effectively communicating– as it’s become known.

From my experience it’s about communicating with integrity, honesty and without the intention to hurt someone.

I hear this coming through so often from global mobility professionals:

“I need to communicate more clearly.”

“I need to be more rational in my response.”

“I need to protect myself.”

“I need to stop taking it personally when they say I’m not doing my job properly.”

… well, if someone told me I wasn’t doing my job properly, I’d take it personally too! However, the Power of the Pause is the empowering moment to take control of our response. My response – now that, no one can control.

And then there’s those times when you’re tussling with someone and rather than either of you sticking to performance-related stuff, it starts to go deeper into the personal attack… you’re in the mix somehow, you’re just vomiting words without control and you’ve found yourself in the arena of the communication-boxing-match.

And it’s totally understandable when this happens! If someone comes at me with a jab that feels personal, those boxing gloves come out… jab, jab, protect, protect… Well it used to be, but I have found that's my initial reaction even now - but the Power of the Pause really helps.

It’s a ‘normal’ response when we go on the defence, but if you’re a manager and a leader, you can’t go there. And if you’re on the receiving end of some nasty, condescending comments – it’s even trickier because you want to give that good-for-nothing a piece of your mind, especially when we understand why we find ourselves or others emotionally impacted during these emotionally charged exchanges.

Going personal means launching an attack on someone’s ideologies, beliefs, and values systems – also known as crossing the line – the line of the invisible boundaries. This stuff makes up our identity building blocks. So no wonder our blood boils, we’re out of whack, and what follows is an emotional reaction!

Anger is not a bad emotion. Anger shows you care. Along with frustration, disgust, disappointment and all the other once classified ‘negative’ emotions. Emotions are not here to support classification. They’re present acting as signals to us:

Yep, I feel the same - ‘good’ emotion – fulfilment, understanding, joy, empathy.

Yep, I don’t like you – ‘bad’ emotion – anger, frustration, guilt, shame, annoyance etc.

We were not built to manage emotions in a ‘professional’ workplace where it’s all tight, rigid, rules-based living with no place for ‘getting emotional’. Our brain is built to ward off danger and hunt for survival, so we need to work with what we have!

And then there’s the other thing that happens to us – we freeze. We open our mouths but nothing comes out.

You WANT to respond with integrity and something to stand up for yourself or direct the conversation that serves your interests… but you’re frozen in time.

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So what options do we have in those difficult situations?

The Power of the Pause.

This offers us time, space, even a moment to connect and regulate back to ourselves. I have identified two types of Pauses – the Short, and the Extended.

What constitutes the Short Pause?

·?????? An inhale.

·?????? 3 sets of nods.

·?????? A slow scrunch of your feet.

·?????? A nod accompanied by a ‘hmmmm’.

·?????? Count to ten.

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What’s the Extended Pause?

Sometimes, we think of a pause as a moment in time. But it can be seen as a break within time or an extended period – a ‘cool down’.

·?????? Taking a 15-minute break.

·?????? Taking extended time out to diffuse a heated exchange.

·?????? Rescheduling altogether.

·?????? Distract: during this time you can get some fresh air, take a short walk or have some water, make a cup of tea or coffee to focus your mind on something else

Top tip: do not go and start ranting to a fellow colleague? - this will just rile up those emotions even more. Being alone can be a more supportive strategy to calm down. Of course, if you’re crying ?- seek a hug! Then take some moments for composure.

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The Power of the Pause comes in different shapes and lengths, so to speak, and we don’t use it enough to include well-needed space in heated or emotionally charged conversations.

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So, how can you incorporate pausing into your life to manage emotional conflict more effectively?

Start with cultivating your self-awareness about what is going on.

Here are my 5 Helpful Tips to Manage Emotions During Conflict:

1.????? Recognise Your Triggers: Pay attention to the situations or circumstances that tend to provoke strong emotional reactions in you. By recognising your triggers, you can anticipate when you might need to pause and take a step back.

2.????? Practice Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness tools and techniques into your daily routine, such as deep breathing exercises or meditation. Even just taking one deep breathe consciously increases your mindfulness. These techniques can help you stay grounded and centred, even when feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

3.????? Test Personalised Strategies: When you feel yourself starting to react impulsively, take the pause – ask yourself, Do I need a short pause or a longer pause? This simple act can give you the space you need to collect your thoughts and respond more thoughtfully.

4.????? Seek Perspective: Consider the bigger picture and try to see the situation from multiple angles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter a week from now? A month from now? A year from now?" Often, looking to the future to see the wider picture can help put things into context and dim the intensity of your unhelpful thoughts and emotions. It may be supportive to also gain perspective from someone you trust.

5.????? Don’t Beat Yourself Up: Whether it’s in the moment, or after the exchange - being unkind to yourself doesn’t allow you to move forward or grow. Acknowledge your emotions and how you feel – because they are valid. Then ask yourself, “How might I handle that situation differently which could better serve my interests next time?”

Remembering, if you’re in the workplace – you’re a human, but you’re also potentially a leader and therefore a role model to others. Having the courage to talk about how we can manage conflict with colleagues and support emotional overwhelm is a topic we need leaders to address. Having the Power of Courage to Be Vulnerable and share your experiences will show others they’re not alone. You’re not a ‘bad person’ if you say or do something you might later regret. Every situation, as uncomfortable as it is, can be an opportunity to learn something about yourself and about your external environment.

Maybe next time you don’t want to be surrounded by a toxic culture, a toxic manager or be a part of an organisation that doesn’t take these things seriously and show support to their people … so this is your time to take control to support yourself. We have choices - some much harder than others because life really is tough.

This does happen. I’ll never forget an ‘incident’ at work where a male Director-level shut the door in the room I was alone in having lunch and started to rant at me that I was “a rude little girl and everyone could see that…” ?I was 27, about to get married, and was nothing of the sort. When I shared what had happened with my female senior- line manager, she shrugged it off, “Ahhh, that’s just XXXX, he’s a bit of an idiot, just ignore him.” … Well, the first traumatic experience left me crying on my own questioning who I am and what I had done ‘wrong’, and the secondary response left me hopeless not knowing what I should do next. I could have sued their a** and sometimes I think – maybe I should have! But I made the decision quickly to resign, with no new role to go to. Sometimes we need to be courageous to support our mental health and wellbeing (and values and integrity!), and it’s unfortunate that these types of situations are still happening today in 2024 - both the incident and the secondary response itself. Both totally unacceptable – yet sometimes we either feel we don’t have the choice for fear of the repercussions, or the organisation does nothing for fear of reputational damage (the burying head in the sand response…)

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And now you’re wondering… well Mehibe, this is helpful but WHAT can I say in response to someone who is being condescending or just plain nasty, and just needs to know I won’t be walked all over…

I hear you. It’s not easy but here’s what I find helpful.

Here are my Tips to Respond During or After an Emotional Conflict

When we talk about ‘communicating effectively’ or ‘assertively’ there’s a lot of things happening all at the same time:

·?????? Instead of reacting defensively or aggressively, strive to communicate calmly and clearly (key messaging is clear) with a lowered tone and volume – notice this is the assertive part.

·?????? Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming others or making assumptions. Avoid, “You did this” “You did that”…

·?????? Using a simple framework can help structure your content:

SITUATION-BEHAVIOUR-IMPACT

SITUATION: Point out when and where a specific behaviour occurred (the situation or triggering event) to set the context: “During our last 1-2-1 yesterday, while I was sharing with you my ideas around how we can improve the teams’ overall performance...”

?? Use ‘when’ or ‘during’ as the starter.

BEHAVIOUR: Explain in detail what you saw or heard (the specific behaviour): “During our last 1-2-1 yesterday, while I was sharing with you my ideas around how we can improve the teams’ overall performance, I noticed that you dismissed all of my ideas and rolled your eyes, saying I was too inexperienced to know what strategies could support the business...”

?? Use ‘I noticed that you’, ‘I could that you’, ‘I understand that you…’ statement.

IMPACT: Describe the impact (how the behaviour made you think and feel): “During our last 1-2-1 yesterday, while I was sharing with you my ideas around how we can improve the teams’ overall performance by reducing process errors, I noticed that you dismissed my ideas and rolled your eyes, saying I was too inexperienced to know what strategies could support the business and it left me feeling demotivated and frustrated.”

?? Use ‘it left me feeling’, ‘it made me feel’, ‘I feel …’ statement.

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Providing guidance and models in how we can support ourselves in times of emotional conflict will never fully ‘prepare’ you, but where you can prepare - it’s important to give yourself the mental space to feel centred whilst also giving yourself time to prepare your key messages – what is it you want to say? And this is different for everyone, and humans will need to respond in different ways to ensure they align to their prioritised values.

What is most important is showing yourself and others compassion when these things happen because it is easy to get caught up in anxiety and worry in the moment as well as mulling over the repercussions. So, where you can, seek support from either your line manager or HR – and – share what’s happening for you with your mentor, coach, loved ones and trusted friends. It’s not ‘ridiculous’ or ‘stupid’, and it’s most certainly NOT your fault.

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