The Power of the Pause

Dear Happiness and Leadership Community,

Just as a rest in a musical score is as important as the notes played, the same is true about a pause in an intense meeting.

A super power of Oprah's interview style is that she uses silence to let her interviewees think and process....then they overflow with sharing.

In this week's podcast, I discuss how pausing can make better leaders.

In this week's column, I share a question I was asked as a young leader by my President about my less than refined listening skills....

Has anyone ever told you that you could listen better?

Bob, the President of a fast paced technology company, sat at his desk looking intently at his direct report, the youngest member of his management team, and asked her, “Has anyone ever told you that you could listen better?” She paused and responded thoughtfully, “no.”?There’s a reason why this story has stuck with me for 27 years. That young director was me!?In the ensuing years, I took Bob's feedback to heart…remembering that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

" Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say."?

We all want to be seen and heard.

Last week, I traveled out of town to have a coaching session with a client. I asked how things were going with his new boss.?He said she was continuing to be a poor listener.?“You know, the type of person who is busier thinking about how she will respond, rather than listening to what you are saying.”?Interestingly, the other direct reports to this new hire have been experiencing the same issue, so the CEO, who this person reports to, is figuring out a plan to see if this new leader can change or if the CEO will have to make a change.?

Listening is one of the most important skills a leader needs to develop. I am grateful to Bob for pointing this out to me early in my career.

Holding Space

As a coach, I must “hold space” for my clients which means I must listen, actively, with curiosity and empathy, letting the other person finish their sentence and then pausing to make sure they have fully completed their thought.?Just as a rest note in a musical composition is just as important as the notes that are played, a moment of silence holds great importance.

I remind myself of the power of the pause and of silence.?This provides space to think, reflect, and process. And when in person allows you to learn even more of what’s being communicated through a person’s body language.?

I like to say that in our coaching practice, we are paid to ask the right questions, and in our consulting practice, we are paid to have the right answers.?Using our accumulated experience to synthesize the client’s very specific situational challenges and pose the right questions can be very illuminating.??

Recently, as I wrapped up a coaching engagement for a newly minted executive, he said that what I asked during one of our first sessions completely changed his perspective as a business leader, boosting his confidence and outlook.

The value of being listened to

In just one session, a therapist hears many stories from their client who at the end of their session, feels like a heavy weight is taken off their shoulders. Holding space to help a client process their challenges through storytelling is cathartic.?

Why does someone who talks the whole time say at the end of a meal that they really enjoyed meeting the silent person??They feel listened to!?Many years ago, I had a loquacious client who told me how much he enjoyed meeting a colleague of mine.?That colleague told me she wasn’t sure why he felt this way, as she didn’t say but a few words, as my client spoke the entire lunch!

Decision Making Factory

A leader isn’t a decision maker, but rather the maker of a decision-making factory. They are the architect creating a structure and a way of interacting among their team so that the good decisions come out.?By listening, the leader builds trust and fosters loyalty and grows the self esteem of the individuals on their team.

Designing a Listening Space

Last year, I sat in the audience of a workshop with 50 participants.?Each was asked to introduce themselves, share a little about their work experiences and then make a book recommendation.?I think most were so busy thinking about what they would share that they didn’t take in much of what was being said and the exercise lost much of its value.?

Creating a space for active listening is not easy, it requires forethought and careful design. One of my favorite assignments is conducting team retreats.?A key to the design of a successful off-site, and something I always strive to create, is to create a safe space for people to really listen to each other.?

Multitasking is a Myth

I do a lot of in-person and virtual group facilitation as well as 1-on-1 interviews.?In both situations, there is a lot to keep up with and process - listening intently to the person speaking, seeing if there are questions from the audience/chat from the group, keeping track of time, capturing the overall flow of discussion and deciding in real time which question or exercise to cut if running out of time.

With all that going on, it can be a challenge to truly listen. Science shows that effective multitasking is a myth, that we can only focus well on only one task at a time. Which is why in my workshops, I have colleagues monitor the chat and manage the technology so I can focus solely on the delivery of the learning exercises.?We have multiple eyes and ears to capture and follow-up on all the communications taking place.

What is your listening/speaking ratio?

Last week I had lunch with a Director of Workplace at Perkins&Will. She introduced me to Leesman, which offers tools to help businesses understand their employees' work place experience and?provide the data to help firms like Perkins&Will create exceptional places to work.?Leesman believes in the listening leader. In their interview with former nuclear submarine captain David Marquet, he shares why leaders need to stop talking and start listening:

“If you’re the leader, you’re probably talking too much. You need to suppress your own share-of-voice. Other people will speak more when you speak less. This was hard for me because I’d be silent and people would look at me – they would want me to say something. I would just wait in that awkward silence until finally someone started speaking up and then I would reward that with acknowledgment. This can feel even more awkward on a digital call, but the end result of having your team more communicative and engaged is worth a minute or two’s awkwardness. Leaders tend to view themselves as decision makers, which is not the right perspective.”

My advice to clients in order to become better listeners:

• Go into Airplane Mode?In a client’s 360, colleagues asked that she look more into the camera.?My client, a member of her company’s executive team, admitted this was because she was multi-tasking, even checking her email in 1-on-1s. She agreed that she would stop checking email during virtual meetings and really focus and connect.
• Listen to understand rather than to be understood.?Leaders are doing a terrible job of doing this - in a recent survey, only 8% of employees reported that their mid and senior-level leaders are practicing this skill “very well.”?60% of all our communication time is spent listening and we are retaining 25%.?
• Practice?360 listening?- listen to what the person is saying and how they’re saying it, and what they’re?not?saying, when they pause/talk around topics.?
• Be interested rather than interesting.?Showcase your curiosity and empathy. Ask clarifying questions.
• Create space in your schedule.?Listening creates space, but you also need to create the space to listen.?When you have back-to-back meetings, you run from one to the next. When you strategically create space in your calendar to reflect on a conversation and prepare for the next one, you can be more present for others.?

Even in a world of limitless, instantaneous, global connection….we’ve got to insist on time for uninterrupted face to face conversation….the most powerful mode of communication is that of two people listening.”

Melissa Daimler, Twitter