The Power of the Pause

I have had a couple of moments in the workplace where I wish I took a beat before responding to a comment that didn’t hit home the right way. I had a moment recently where I was able to pause and take that moment and this is what I learned from it.??

A couple of weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with a peer. We were casually speaking, and as we started to open up to one another, he asked me where my family and I were from. I told him that while I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area, my family is from El Salvador. He mentioned that his first wife was from El Salvador and we enjoyed some small talk about his experience with pupusas and some other commonly known aspects of my country. As we got deeper into his experience with some of the people he had met from El Salvador, the conversation got heavier and a little more somber. I knew where the conversation was headed as I am very familiar with what has come to be known as one of El Salvador’s largest exports: MS13. We chatted for a bit about some of the run-ins he had endured with some Salvadorans and we subconsciously shared a commonality and something more that I will describe later in this article. As the part of our conversation regarding El Salvador began to draw to a close, he said something that I have heard often in my life, but for some reason bothered me this time, he said, “but you’re not like that. You’re basically white!” We chuckled and moved on.

NOW, if you have made it this far, please do a couple of things for me.

1. Don’t judge my peer and please keep reading
2. Don’t let your twitter (or now X) fingers get the better of you and lace the comments with your opinion on racism and microaggressions
3. Please understand that I am not looking for sympathy, perspective, or criticism on how I decided to handle this situation

This article is on my opinion about how I have begun to focus on appropriately pausing during conversations in the workplace. It is about how I’m trying to be more thoughtful around the way I respond to things communicated and interpret such communication. If this article helps you, great, if not, that is fine as well. I specifically used the above example because it did the following for ME:

1. It struck me and forced me to think…I realized that it was meaningful to me and COULD be meaningful to others
2. The conversation was layered, but could easily be reduced to one single comment
3. This is a conversation that could have gone many different ways all by how I responded to the final remark (of that portion) of the conversation

1. Restrict the first thought

Let’s get back to the scenario. My first thought was to say: “Thanks for telling me who I am, and insulting my entire heritage while you are at it,” obviously in the most sarcastic way possible. At first, I was a little annoyed. And as I mentioned before, it’s not like I haven’t heard this before. I grew up going to predominantly white schools and have attended, and been a member of, a predominantly white church almost my entire life. I have definitely heard this from my white friends. But for some reason this irked me. Who was he to tell me what I was? And maybe more importantly, how dare he make it seem like being from El Salvador or being Latino was somehow an unfortunate truth that I had escaped by assimilating to a more elevated white culture!

Luckily! I wasn’t in a rush to respond quickly, and didn’t overlook the value of pausing. Instead I took a moment to reflect on what he was trying to convey and considered the context of his last comment.

2. Consider Context

As the conversation went on, I reflected back on the entirety of what my peer had said. I thought about how lovingly he had spoken about his late wife from El Salvador. I thought about how warmly he talked about the beauty of the country. And I especially remember the joy that filled his face when he reminisced on the food. There were even moments where he laughed, in an endearing way, when he spoke about some of the things he had seen when some gang members from El Salvador broke some of the mores of a more affluent US society within his presence.?

As I remembered all this, I realized that communication isn’t just about what is said—it’s about what, how, and why something is said. There are layers to communication. Just like listening to an orchestra, you don’t just listen to one instrument play, you have to hear the entirety to recognize the beauty. By taking into account the context and registering all of what he said and how he said it, it created a more empathetic environment.

3. View it from a distance

Once I was able to take a moment and consider all the factors that led to that moment, I was able to realize a very key thing that would have been lost on me had I not gone through this process. My peer never intended to offend me or degrade my culture and country of origin. In fact, he was actually conveying trust. The thing is, while I am very proud of my Latino heritage and my upbringing, as I mentioned before, I also grew up around many predominantly white, affluent families. It has become second nature to act in a certain way when I am around people of affluence and/or with people that are white. In so doing, during this conversation, I realize that my peer sensed a safety that had probably been cultivated through our several interactions where I was the antithesis of what had become the majority of his interactions with people from El Salvador and maybe many other Latino/a(s). He shared this part of his past due to our connection to the country and he spoke in that manner due to some of the commonalities we shared in regards to what El Salvador provides, but more importantly he made that comment due to the trust he felt with me. What he was really trying to say was, “You get where I am coming from because I see myself in you. You behave less like the people I have met from El Salvador and more like the people I have grown up with.”

Final Thoughts

I know everyone likes a tidy ending, so, know that I have spoken to this peer and we had a very healthy conversation on this matter. I didn’t come in trying to “educate,” I just let him know my thoughts and he very fondly apologized (even though it was made clear that no apology was needed) and allowed me to share the experience.?

What I want everyone to understand is: in moments where pausing makes sense, you buy yourself considerable time to reflect and empathize. And empathy is what allows you to learn more about yourself and others.