The Power of the Pause

We've all experienced moments when we wish we could rewind time and choose our words more carefully. I certainly have. Growing up in a chaotic household between conflicting personalities shaped my communication style; I became quick to anger and jumped to conclusions. This cost me dearly – friendships, opportunities, and most importantly, my own peace of mind.

It's easy to walk through life unaware of our true impact on others. A lack of self-awareness blinded me to how my reactive behavior affected those around me. The desire for change can come from many places – frustration, a sense of low self-worth, or simply the pain caused by your own actions. Recognizing the source is vital for true transformation.

Robert Greene speaks about confronting our pain to understand it. My journey involved years of practice to consciously slow down, observe my feelings, and choose better responses. The magic lies in developing the self-awareness to master how we react. Think of Neo in The Matrix dodging bullets – that's what a conscious pause in communication feels like.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom — Viktor E. Frankl

Benjamin Libet's concept of "Veto Power" further illuminates this principle. His experiments revealed that our brains often initiate actions before we're consciously aware of the choice. However, with practice, we can learn to apply a mental "veto" to impulsive reactions.

How to Apply the "Veto Power"

• Mindfulness: Practice noticing your emotional triggers and physical sensations as they arise in the moment.
• Pause: Take a breath or several before responding. This creates the space Frankl describes.
• Reflect: What is my underlying need here? What am I trying to achieve by communicating this way?
• Choose: Can I express myself in a way that's both assertive and respectful of myself and others?

This transformation won't happen overnight, but with persistence, harmful communication patterns can be replaced with more thoughtful and constructive ones, ultimately improving all our interactions and relationships. There are key skills that we can develop by mastering the 'veto power':

• Enhanced Self-awareness: Recognizing your emotional triggers and how they influence your communication style.
• Intentional Response: Replacing impulsive reactions with thoughtful, measured communication that reflects your true values.
• Emotional Regulation: Notice the physical signs (tight chest, flushed feeling, etc.) and name the emotion.
• Asking the Right Questions: Reflect on the situation: "What are my needs here? How can I express them in a way that respects both myself and others?"
• Exercising Your Veto: Consciously veto harmful reactions and choose a response that better serves the situation and maintains your inner peace.

In an intense technological age where we make decisions at the speed of light, spend our time communicating via screens, it is vital for us to develop our interpersonal skills and relational intelligence. If I can learn to speak like Neo moves, you can do it too. When it comes to my father...at the age of 60, it is hard to teach a person new ways. All I can do is throw compassion and some generational grace at his ways.

Adriana