The Power of?Tonglen
Clifford Jones
Author, brand-builder, and strategic small business guide. Founder of BrandEquityPlaybook.com, empowering brand-conscious creators and business owners.
Healing That Happens?Together
Several months ago, a friend of mine called me to ask if I’d mentor her son. As always, I said, “Of course.”
Not long afterward, I met Steve, as we’ll call him, for lunch. He’s in his early thirties, without a job, living in a downtown Phoenix apartment, smoking too much weed, and hanging around with his buddies, who are pretty much dealing with the same situation, stuck in life.
Mentoring people who are stuck is not my primary focus. But I do it often, even though I’m not actively building a mentoring or coaching practice right now. That’s because I love helping other people get unstuck. It stinks to feel stuck. I’ve been stuck plenty in the past, and the good Lord gave me buckets of creative firepower to find my way through life. I’ve also had lots of help. I love sharing the gift of creating a more fulfilling life.
Of course, we suffer while finding more meaning, purpose, and joy in the world. That’s part of life on earth. Steve was suffering enough that his mom put us together. As soon as I shook Steve’s hand and looked him in the eye, I started practicing Tonglen.
This article will reveal what Tonglen is, how I learned about it, and why it’s powerful and needed now as much as ever. Tonglen can be a game-changer, not just for those of us who are stuck in life. It’s a game-changer for all of us.
In the realms of Eastern spirituality, particularly Tibetan Buddhism, the practice of Tonglen has emerged as a potent instrument for emotional and spiritual healing. Tonglen, which translates to ‘giving and taking,’ is a contemplative exercise designed to alleviate one’s own suffering and help others find relief from their agonies.
The Philosophy Behind?Tonglen
At its core, Tonglen embodies the fundamental principles of compassion and interconnectedness. Unlike Western individualism, which emphasizes self-reliance, Tonglen propels us into an acknowledgment of our communal human experience.
I learned about Tonglen by reading books and watching videos. I practice Tonglen as a way of being a more giving person, and it makes a huge difference. As a fairly selfish person, practicing Tonglen keeps me focused on being less selfish and more compassionate toward others.
The primary reason practicing Tonglen is important is that the world is in crisis. Our ancestors looked around and thought the same thing: humans are nuts about war, and Mother Nature is not pleased with how nearly 8 billion people treat her. But when we look around and view the mainstream media, we see mayhem and too much social unrest. We see suffering. And when we have transcended our suffering, we must help others do the same.
Breathing with?Tonglen
Breathing exercises, with their roots in various forms of meditation and mindfulness practices, have been shown to have psychological and physiological benefits. In the case of Tonglen, the practice you mentioned, breath, becomes a metaphorical vehicle for the intake of suffering and the output of compassion.
Interestingly, there’s a synchronicity between this ancient spiritual practice and the modern understanding of poly-vagal theory, which links breathing patterns to states of nervous system regulation. Slow, deep breaths are associated with the “rest and digest” state, facilitating greater emotional control and cognitive clarity (Porges, S. W., “The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation,” 2011).
The psychological underpinning of Tonglen finds resonance in Carl Rogers’ theories on empathy as a transformative force. Rogers emphasized the concept of “unconditional positive regard,” which echoes the Tonglen practice of breathing out love, comfort, and peace. In both instances, the act of giving empathy and positive energy isn’t conditional upon the immediate environment or emotional state. It’s a form of intentional action aiming to ameliorate personal or collective suffering.
The idea of breathing in suffering in Tonglen can also be linked to “affect labeling,” a psychological concept where naming or acknowledging an emotional state can reduce its impact (Lieberman et al., “Putting Feelings Into Words,” Psychological Science, 18(5), 2007). By consciously taking in suffering through your breath, you are, in a sense, naming it and thus reducing its psychological grip.
Moreover, breathing itself has been shown to affect the insular cortex, a region of the brain involved in emotional awareness, which is said to have a rich distribution of mirror neurons (Craig, A. D., “How do you feel? Interoception: the sense of the physiological condition of the body,” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 3, 2002). From a neurophysiological perspective, controlled breathing exercises like Tonglen might impact the mirror neuron system, contributing to emotional resilience and empathetic understanding.
Combining breath work with empathy, as is done in Tonglen, can be an exercise in uniting body and mind for emotional regulation and transformation. It’s a practice that captures the essence of multiple schools of thought?—?from ancient spiritual wisdom to modern psychological theory?—?and offers an integrative approach to emotional well-being.
Mirror Neurons and?Tonglen
Recent research in neuroscience suggests that our brains have mirror neurons, which are activated not only when we perform an action but also when we observe someone else performing that action. These neurons might explain why we can deeply feel others’ pain or joy.
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The presence and function of mirror neurons, specialized neurons that fire when an individual performs an action and when they observe the same action performed by another, have been a subject of significant scientific interest since their discovery in the 1990s. These neurons are often discussed in the context of empathy, social understanding, and even the nuances of human interaction, like making eye contact or smiling. There’s an intricate dance between biology and socialization; mirror neurons affect how we read and respond to social cues.
Recent studies have posited that excessive screen time, particularly in developmental years, could potentially hinder the full maturation of these neural networks responsible for social bonding. Young minds are malleable, and the ways in which they are conditioned significantly impact adult behavior.
The increasing tendency for children to interact with screens rather than engage in face-to-face human interaction has raised concerns among experts. For instance, Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, has examined the mental health effects of screen time and suggests a link between high usage of smartphones and social media and increased rates of depression and loneliness among adolescents (Twenge & Campbell, 2018, “The Atlantic”).
Tonglen serves as a conscious activation of these mirror neurons, allowing us to deliberately partake in a collective neurobiological circuitry of suffering and healing (Iacoboni, Marco. “Mirroring People: The New Science of How We Connect with Others.” Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2008).
Tonglen in?Practice
To engage in Tonglen, one doesn’t require elaborate rituals or settings. Tonglen can be practiced when you’re with someone you or alone. Either way, your intention is to help people end their suffering. That presumes you’re on a positive journey and have transcended many or most of your suffering, and you’re working from the place of a healed person.
If you’re with someone you care about, sit with them and concentrate all your presence on them. Listen. Hear what they’re saying. Validate them. Silently ask that they give you their suffering so you can transcend it for them. It’s as if you’re acting as a healing, cleansing light that quietly works in the presence of others.
It’s also possible to practice Tonglen alone. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Begin with a few deep breaths to center yourself. Then, as you inhale, visualize absorbing dark, heavy, and hot air, symbolizing suffering. As you exhale, imagine a light, cool breeze emanating from you, bringing relief and comfort.
This practice can be focused on personal challenges or broadened to include the suffering of a community, a nation, or even humanity at large. It’s up to you to search inside yourself and cultivate a positive, loving, accepting mindset and way of being. It’s also up to you to share the love and light within you. In fact, it’s among your highest reasons for being here: be light and love.
Conclusion: Healing Happens?Together
Steve’s mother called me this past weekend. She said, “Steve’s progress is absolutely amazing. He’s been in new job interviews and is excited to get an offer soon. He’s started working out more and changing his unhealthy habits. I can’t thank you enough.”
Words like this are music to my ears. I tell everyone the same thing. “It’s my pleasure to share my experience and what little I know. It’s the least I can do to pay it forward. Plus, it’s not me that’s doing the heavy lifting. It’s God, our highest power.”
Tonglen challenges our conventional understanding of well-being by presenting it not as an individual endeavor but as a communal experience. In a society often fixated on ‘I,’ Tonglen brings us back to the potent ‘We.’
As we internalize the suffering of others and reciprocate with compassion, we manifest a network of empathy, moving closer to the ultimate goal of universal well-being. In short, Tonglen can help us make the world a better place to live.
The power of Tonglen lies not just in its spiritual or philosophical framework but also in its profound resonance with modern psychology and neuroscience. It reveals how ancient wisdom and modern science can converge to offer us tools for better living. Healing, it reminds us, happens best when it happens together.
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This article was originally published on Substack.