The power of 'mother's guilt' #2 - follow up

It's been few weeks since I shared this article. I had some great and thought–provoking responses, both publicly on LinkedIn and via private messages and having reflected on them, I want to try to summarise what I am hearing. (I love all the different experiences that you shared – they really challenged me and forced me to think even more! Thank you )

1.      Things have changed through the years – certainly, things are changing: I am an optimistic person and I do believe we are better overall but it does still vary country to country, culture to culture and organisation to organisation. So well done all of you, female and male, who by your actions have made a difference! Personally I do recall having been accused of wanting a ‘long weekend’ when returning from maternity leave on 4 days basis…From my perspective I just needed the Monday off as I needed to make time for my child. From my manager’s view…I was looking for a cool life. (Yes the boss didn’t have kids…nor a spouse!?). I also did not enjoy the running joke of being a ‘part-time worker’ when running out at 5pm to ensure I could avoid rush hour on tube and be at the nursery on time (and lack of acknowledgement that I was then more than making up the time after I had put my kids to sleep). I think that has certainly changed …at least in mature organisations.

2.      But we are far from done! Amongst the great positive stories you have shared, I have also heard too many recent examples of organisational and individual behaviours that are simply unacceptable and have brought great and unnecessary unhappiness to those involved.

3.      The COVID factor – some of you said it has levelled the field and allowed people to stay at home and working via video conference but ….not for all….we need to be wary of the fact that many mums with younger children actually had it worse and, in many cases, were buried in many home tasks, keeping the kids educated and trying to do a full-time job.

4.      Father’s feedback – this is certainly my favourite feedback from a fantastic dad and full time employee who is off on 6 months paternity leave, having shared the time with his wife:

“Before my wife returned to work she was overwhelmed with mum guilt and the first couple of weeks were tough. However this is where the role of the father is so important. By me taking the shared parental leave time off, I was able to mitigate a lot of the struggle for her. She wasn’t at work worrying about the nursery calling her or how to ask her old school boss to leave early to pick up the baby. She knew the baby was safe and happy with me in a similar daily routine, so she could hit the ground running and set the right impression that she was just as ambitious as she was before.

From my perspective, this experience has taught me what parenting really is. I’m not just home for the odd bath time and nappy change but I’m stuck into the importance of Naps, weaning and routine. Something which sounds so easy to a guy when in the office but sooooo different when battling the relentless of it. This experience will make me a more understanding boss down the line, will make me truly be 50% responsible for my child and not just “baby sitting” and has significantly improved my patience and time management which will make me a stronger person.

To conclude, I think it is the responsibility of the father to support the mother’s return to work. Giving her the platform to transition back into it without worry or undue stress and companies should encourage Fathers to do it. Not only does it help the gender diversity at senior level by guys taking an equal ownership of their child but also makes me a stronger more rounded employee to the company”

I loved this message, so true and so real. This is very much in line with Tash (@Natasha McIndoe) way of coaching people – if you imagine yourself, or someone you care, in that situation you might act differently..

5.      Childcare cost – this is a tough one. As some of you pointed out ….this is an issue for many because the simple economics mean that it is not worthwhile returning to work. I don’t have an answer for this one: in our case we were able to cover the costs (but not by much at the time!) and I felt I needed the stimulation of work so we decided the investment was worthwhile. I doubt there is a perfect solution to this and I certainly do not pretend to have one but I feel sure that we can do better than we are doing today.

6.      Power of Network – this is critical! There are a lot of mums and dads in the exact same situation of you and we can all help each other – sharing some of the care, sharing the pick-ups and drop-offs, giving advice on what works and simply being there to listen and provide emotional support.

7.      Different needs at different age – a lot of you have responded with kids of all ages. Yes young kids are a handful but the emotional support they need growing up is critical to their development. Do not under estimate how much more they understand growing up …and make sure you do not miss out on critical time with them as you won’t get that time back.

8.      And finally…We care….this is critical and important. People who knows me well call it ‘my Italian passion’ …when I try to get something done or I fight for what I believe is the right thing to do. I have said many times ‘I wish I didn’t care and my life would be easier’ ………………….but we should care and if we all do…..we can all make a difference and change things. The power of influencing positively!

Thank you all! Hope it was helpful. Let’s keep talking and help each other. Don’t judge if you don’t know the situation behind the work fa?ade….you might find yourself in the same situation at some point!