The Power of Mentee Conversations

It’s 8:15 AM, and I’m driving down 16th Street in Washington, DC. This is the time of day that I reserve for quick calls with mentees and today I’m talking to Rachel Poovathoor , a young woman who, like me, grew up in SanAntonio and who is also a student at Cornell University as I once was (Rachel is studying for a dual degree: a masters in public administration, and another in health administration).?

I’ve been mentoring Rachel for a while now and today, I’m struck by how grown-up she sounds —?even more self-possessed than usual. I ask her, “Is it just me, or have you changed since we last spoke?,” which was only a few months back by the way.

Communication is often like a game of telephone; it’s important to reflect back to someone what we think we’ve heard. “It’s not just you,” she tells me, sharing a personal story about a profound experience she recently had. “I feel like I’m growing into my adult self.”?

I tell Rachel that I will be by her side through this transformative journey she’s on. And then I start to cry.

I was one of very few kids (<3?) from my high school’s 600+ graduating class to go to college out of state. On my 18th birthday, I took a plane to Ithaca, New York, and after I landed, I took maybe the first cab ride of my life to my dorm room in Founder's Hall. That Christmas, back home after my first semester, I remember feeling so different, so changed. But when I gave voice to that feeling, a family member told me, “Nah, you’re the same Suzanne. You haven’t changed at all.”

Maybe they were trying to reassure me, but it felt like a denial. It certainly didn’t feel like love.?

We all have different love languages. But no matter what yours may be, staying in a dynamic relationship with someone means being attuned to them, and constantly recalibrating — not just how you want to express and give love, but also how the person on the receiving end needs or wants to receive love in that moment. When we don’t know what the other person needs or wants, we can ask them.?

Back when 18-year-old Suzanne said she felt changed, what I wish that family member would have asked is, “In what ways?”?

Curiosity, for me, is a love language —?a way of demonstrating care. And sometimes, it turns out, showing sincere curiosity about someone else ends up being a way to learn more about yourself. Which is why I’m in tears, realizing how important it is for me that people close to me see me — really see me —?at the various stages of my own journey.?

Realizing, not for the first time, that while my mentees often think they’re the ones benefiting from our conversations, there is so much genuine value and power flowing both ways.

It’s now 8:45 AM (decent traffic day!), and I’m saying goodbye and thank you to Rachel as I pull into the parking garage. And I am changed for the better by our exchange... by what she teaches me and shares with me... by the trust we have in each other to have each other's backs. It is Mentor/ Mentee at its best-- it is a professional friendship where the exchange is mutual and the benefits extend far beyond the confines of our commute calls.