The Power of Making Others Feel They Matter

This Saturday morning, I was in a bit of a rush. I was excited to pick up my husband from the hospital. He was finally getting discharged, after ten long days following his surgery. I grabbed his favorite coffee, ready to surprise him, but then hit an unexpected roadblock - quite literally! A huge truck was blocking my garage exit.

I tried a friendly approach, asking the driver to move. He was busy on his mobile, barely noticing me. I waited, my patience thinning, and then started honking. Once, twice, three times. Still, nothing changed.

That's when I felt it - the burning rage of being invisible, ignored, unacknowledged.

This incident brought a shocking story to mind. A few years ago, a young man was arrested before he could carry out something unthinkable. During his interrogation, he shared his motive for the mass shooting he was planning:

"I wanted attention. If someone had said, ‘You don’t have to do this... we accept you,’ I would have stopped."

His words echo a profound truth about humanity, one that George Bernard Shaw captured so well:

The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.

Here's a video I made on this topic for my friend Liane Davey 's NOvember series:

The Impact of Being Ignored

There’s fascinating research by Dr Kipling Williams that sheds some light on the impact of being ignored. One of his well-known experiments is the "Cyberball" study, where participants played a virtual ball-tossing game. During the game, some participants were deliberately excluded, receiving the ball less often or not at all. This study revealed that even minimal and seemingly trivial exclusion can cause emotional pain, feelings of low self-esteem, anger, and sadness.

But being overlooked doesn't just hurt emotionally. It can lead to behaviors that demand attention, like me threatening the truck driver to call the police or the team members you ignore completely disengaging from work - and sometimes even actively sabotaging it.

The Importance of Mattering at Work

If babies could talk when they are born, their first question would most probably be: “Can you see me?”

We know this from "the still face experiment”, a study where mothers first engaged with their babies, then abruptly switched to an unresponsive, expressionless “still face.” When met with the “still face,” all babies tried very hard to get a response at first. When this failed, they started displaying acute distress, collapsing in utter misery.

This yearning to be seen is so primal that grown-ups collapse in utter misery when they are not seen, like I did on Saturday morning.

In psychology, there's a term for this: "mattering." It means feeling significant, valued, and purposeful. Mattering has three aspects:

1. Awareness: Being noticed by others. Like when colleagues recognize your contributions, enhancing your sense of mattering.
2. Importance: Feeling valued and appreciated. This can happen in groups or communities, through positive feedback or acknowledgment of achievements.
3. Dependence: Knowing others rely on you. It's feeling that your role and contributions are essential to the group's success.

These concepts align with my own research on belonging at work. They highlight the importance of feeling seen and valued in creating a sense of belonging in the workplace.

Making Others Feel Seen

It’s impossible to jump to the more advanced stages of belonging and mattering at work if we fail to make others feel seen. The good news is that there are a million ways to say: “I see you.” Here are just a few:

A nod.

A wave.

A greeting.

A validation.

Saying thanks.

A genuine smile.

Asking a question.

Expressing gratitude.

Noticing small changes.

Remembering the details.

Celebrating their successes.

Putting the damn phone away.

Noticing their likes and dislikes.

Words of genuine encouragement.

Making an effort to be truly present.

Respecting their personal boundaries.

Fully focusing on their words and feelings.

Engaging with empathy and understanding.

Meeting their eyes for a moment of connection.

Getting out of your way to extend a helping hand.

Creating a space they could fill with their presence.

Holding a door for them - literally and metaphorically.

Noticing the richness and uniqueness of who they are.

What would you add to this list?

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