"The power of love languages" by Stacey Kelly
We all communicate love in different ways and according to American author, Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. His theory is that we all express and experience love in these 5 different ways:
Each person will have one main way of expressing love and this will be indicated through their day-to-day behaviour. This article will explain how love languages affect relationships, how to identify a child’s love language and how awareness of this can help us express love more effectively to those we care about.
Love languages
A person who is very tactile and ‘touchy-feely’ is likely to fall into the category of physical touch. This means that they will show love by doing things like giving hugs and kisses, or by just generally showing physical affection. Our main love language is not only how we as individuals show love, but also how we receive it, meaning that this person would also need these things reciprocated in order to feel loved too.
Someone whose love language is ‘acts of service’ (doing practical things for someone), might express their love by running around after everyone, doing jobs or fixing things. Put these 2 people together and despite love being expressed by each person, it probably won’t be interpreted as an expression of love on the receiving end, because they are both speaking entirely different languages. One needs physical affection to feel loved yet is getting jobs done for them, and the other needs to be looked after practically and is getting a hug! Here we have a situation where lots of love is being shown through their own language, but it’s going unnoticed as ‘love’ and getting lost in translation.
Being aware of love languages can have a huge impact on relationships because it allows us to understand how someone shows us love. It also allows us the opportunity to ensure that those we care about are feeling emotionally fulfilled because we can use the love language that they best respond to.
Example
Making someone a cup of tea might be nothing to you, but if someone’s love language is ‘acts of service’ it will make them feel really loved. Likewise, holding someone’s hand might not be important to you, but will mean the world to a person whose main love language is ‘physical touch’. By having this awareness, we can gain an understanding of each other’s needs and it can help us to realise that what we personally perceive as small and irrelevant can actually have a big impact on someone.
Children and love languages
We all want our children to feel utterly loved and we do our very best as parents and caregivers to make sure that they do. However, the same rules about love languages apply to little people too! Every child has a main love language and by identifying it, we can ensure that we are expressing love to them effectively and that they are getting their emotional needs met.
Here are the 5 love languages and how they can be identified in a child’s behaviour:
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Words of affirmation
Praising someone and using loving words towards them is classed as ‘words of affirmation’. A child who has this as their main love language might compliment you, praise you and just make you feel loved and valued through their words. They might thank you a lot and tell you regularly that they love and care for you. With these children use lots of positive reinforcement, tell them how you feel about them regularly, give them verbal encouragement and be sure to praise them for all of their accomplishments.
Physical touch
This language is literally shown through physical touch and affection. These children will be very loving and will always want to cuddle, hold hands and have any form of physical contact. They will respond well to a tactile approach. Sitting them on your knee, putting your arm around them, holding their hand and giving them a hug will make them feel loved and cared for.
Gifts
Most people enjoy receiving gifts. However, if this is a child’s main love language, they will associate the feeling of being loved with the smallest material gesture. These children might regularly find a stone or flower in the garden and give you it as a gift, draw you a picture or just bring you things throughout the day. To nurture these children, find thoughtful ways to give them small items that they might like. A little drawing of a love heart, a flower from the garden, or a small toy that they would enjoy playing with are all examples of tiny gifts that would light them up and make them feel loved.
Acts of service
This is interpreted as practically doing things for another person. ‘Actions speak louder than words’ springs to mind! If this is a child’s main love language, they might want to always help you with jobs or to do things for you like make you a fake cup of tea using their toy tea set. They also might ask you to do things for them to meet their needs. Often, we link this to a child being lazy and wanting us to wait on them hand and foot. However, it can sometimes be linked to their love language. If a child is asking us to run around after them, it could be their way of extracting ‘love’ from us. With these children, they will really appreciate someone doing even the smallest task for them. Helping them to get dressed, getting them their coat, and fixing a toy they play with without being asked are all examples of how to nurture this language.
Quality time
If this is a child’s main love language, they will relish one-to-one time with you and love getting your undivided attention. They will often ask you to play with them and want you to be involved in any activity they do. Most children thrive with this. However, these children will need it as a means of feeling loved. Being very present with these children is important and dedicating some time each day to connecting with them (without distractions) will mean the world.
Being aware of these 5 love languages will certainly give you a different perspective on showing and receiving love. Each person, children and adults, has individual needs and view the world through a different lens. By understanding love languages, you can not only identify how others show their love to you at times when it might have gone unnoticed, but you can also express love to others in a way that is accessible to them. In life, communication is the key to success – especially when it comes to love.